Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Trading Places

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Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.

Then, for several decades, the parent-child relationship becomes adult-adult. This period can be very pleasant. Like good friends, you help each other in a pinch, but live your own lives and make your own decisions.

Role reversal begins when the child assumes control of some aspect of a parent’s life. It may begin at the parent’s request and be relatively minor, such as taking care of Dad’s car maintenance, or driving Mom to medical appointments, doing income taxes or balancing checkbooks. This control shift is limited and non-intrusive. Inconvenience to the child is minimal and the parent is grateful. [Read more…]

Palliative Care: Pros and Cons

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When my father was 93, riddled with cancer, chronically nauseated, and living on opioids he suffered a major heart attack. In the hospital, doctors determined his death was imminent but didn’t tell him. Dad denied his condition was serious. He was furious to be given a room on the heart ward instead of the ICU.

Dad had signed a DNR (do not resuscitate) and disclaimed extraordinary measures. But he changed his mind when push came to shove. He raged for two days until, at my request, a female resident physician sat beside Dad’s bed and gently told him the truth. Then he agreed to accept palliative (comfort) care. He needed to hear his time was short and he could control how it was spent.

Palliative care (with or without Hospice) can be received in a hospital, a nursing home, or the patient’s own home. Medical interventions are out; comfort and pain relief are in. Surprisingly, comfort care often extends the patient’s life beyond expectations, perhaps because it allows him to set his own priorities as the end approaches. He might continue to attend church, meet a new grandchild, participate in a daughter’s wedding, or celebrate a family holiday. [Read more…]

The President’s Notes

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On February 21, President Donald Trump met with teenage survivors of the Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. The shooter with an assault rifle had murdered 17 students and teachers. The group included parents of victims of this and other school massacres.

Trump said he was there to listen.

The delegation had come to talk about the death of their children and schoolmates at the hands of a disturbed young man on the other end of an assault rifle. Trump is a strong supporter of the right to carry guns, so I imagine this could not have been easy for him. Compassion is not his comfort zone; neither is vulnerability. But he allowed the meeting to be filmed, not knowing what his visitors would say. He was willing – and prepared – to listen to some hard messages from people who were suffering.

[Read more…]

What Makes a Conversation “Tough”?

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It takes guts to start – and sometimes to stick with – a tough conversation. We’re afraid of triggering anger or hurt. Or being misunderstood. But some conversations are necessary.

Let’s say I’m wondering whether Mom and Dad have a will. And who’s the Executor? And who is getting what? Here’s the parade of horribles that might be going through my head:

My parents might think I want them to hurry up and die.

They might think I’m greedy.

They might think I’m trying to curry favor over my sister to get more than she does.

They might think I’m trying to trying to control what they do with their own money, as if it’s already mine.

They might think it’s none of my business. And say so!

[Read more…]

Grief and a Holiday Letter

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In October of 2015 the man who had been my husband for fifty-six years died. December found me still numb with grief. As my children and I struggled to navigate the season without a compass, we were feeling a lot of things. Joy wasn’t one of them. If it was there, it was buried under a thick layer of pain.

It was time to write the annual holiday letter Jerry and I had always written together, but I felt lost.

Should I just skip it and leave friends wondering whether they’d been abandoned? Should I spill tears all over the page? Should I put on a happy face to hide the pain?

None of those choices seemed right.

Then I reflected on what had followed Jerry’s death. I realized that this was a season when grief, like the Wise Men, came bearing gifts. [Read more…]

Winter Love – And Worry

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Dianne Rehm is the recently retired host of NPR’s “All Things Considered,” a talk show from Washington, DC. John Hagedorn is a retired Lutheran minister. The Washington Post dubbed their Washington Cathedral wedding on October 14, 2017 ”a sign of hope.”

The gorgeous, adoring couple exchanged traditional vows surrounded by friends. What drew attention was the ages of the bride and groom. She’s 81, he’s 78. The Rev. Canon Jerry Anderson said they are the oldest couple he has married in 49 years.

The news made me smile. In many respects, their story is my story. Last April I married an old friend, Jim Le Gette. A few months after the wedding, we both turned eighty.

Like Dianne and John, Jim and I knew each other for many years (thirty in their case, fifty in ours). Like them, we’d lost mates after long, happy marriages. Like theirs, our friends were delighted but surprised.

It’s not unusual for older people to get together, even to live together. But it is rare for them to marry. Why? One reason may be more about their children than themselves.

[Read more…]

Parenting: A Life-Long Calling

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We’d like to share an article written by Carolyn, and published in this month’s Redbud Post, which reflects on the life-long nature of parenting.

Parenting: A Life-Long Calling

When my girls were tiny Jerry and I cherished every new miracle. The first baby tooth! Eating finger food! Crawling, walking brought applause and cheers. I loved watching their little minds work as they began to talk and figure out new experiences. (At first sight of Georgia clay, two-year-old Dede sang out, “Look, Mommy! Sunburned dirt!”) We were starved for sleep but filled with awe, wonder, and gratitude.

Their school years flash across my vision in stop-time photography. Trish in her ballet tutu. Kim sprawled on the floor, pen in hand, fingers flying across the paper creating edgy cartoons. Dede shyly offering me her gift of a pair of gargoyles—mugs she designed and created from potter’s clay. They’re on my desk as I write and never fail to evoke a smile.

Read the entire article on the Redbud Post.

 

The Virtue of Vulnerability

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On September 29, 2016, I sat riveted as Judge Michael Aloi of West Virginia encouraged mediators to become more vulnerable.[1}

The message, the messenger, and the audience’s response were stunning.

The Virtue of Vulnerability by Carolyn ParrThe message was surprising because mediators are usually encouraged to be neutral. Judge Aloi reminded us that most of our clients are experiencing deep pain. Our visible empathy and deep listening can help them feel safer—show them they’ve been heard. Judge Aloi said our vulnerability shows we connect with them. It telegraphs, “You are important to me. You matter.” [Read more…]

Make Up 3 Stories

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Make Up 3 StoriesLike Paris, Washington, DC is a city of outdoor cafes. One of my favorite things to do while sipping a margarita at Guapo’s is to make up stories about the people passing by. It’s fun to do with a friend.

Recently, for instance, a clean-shaven, neatly dressed brown-skinned man with straight hair walked by. He wore a blue dress shirt, open at the neck, with his sleeves rolled up. He looked 30-ish, serious, focused as he entered Starbucks next door. [Read more…]

The Virtues of Small Talk

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Some people think small talk is a waste of time.

I disagree.

In fact, we need more of it.

Small talk can have a big payoff.Anybody can do it. At any time. It crosses boundaries of race and age and class. My late husband, Jerry, used to wait by the curb on Monday mornings just to talk Redskins with our trash collector.

You can do it anywhere. In a supermarket, restaurant or beauty shop. Across the fence with your neighbor.

And small talk offers big benefits for a very small investment.

  1. Small talk enhances the common pool of human kindness.

    When my friend, Jim, visits his cousin in a nursing home, he always stops to speak to the other residents as well. [Read more…]