Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

My Big “Reveal”

By 7 Comments

Revealing that I’m eighty-years-old makes this one of the toughest blogs I’ve written. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Just as one’s sexual identity or race or economic status shouldn’t evoke raised eyebrows or muffled comments, neither should one’s age.

For years I dreaded mentioning my age. If someone found out, I’d hear one of those inevitable comments: “I had no idea. I thought you were 65 or 70.” Or, “I hope I look like you when I’m your age.” Or, “You look REMARKABLE (hate that word) for your age.” So-called compliments may sound positive, but they’re negative because they betray an ageist stereotype in the speaker’s mind.

[Read more…]

Surmounting Tough Conversations After Incarceration

By Leave a Comment

For several years, our Tough Conversations blogs have mainly focused on families and aging. Sig’s current blog explores a different but equally challenging area of family interaction: namely, how families and returning citizens can prepare to reunite after the latter’s release from incarceration.

One of the toughest conversations I can think of is that of a returning citizen (ex-offender) with his or her family members prior to or after release from prison. After years of incarceration, how does an individual re-unite with his or her family?

Maintaining family contact while incarcerated is challenging. It’s said that when a person enters prison, the entire family (figuratively) accompanies him or her. Imagine a Dad not seeing his kids grow up for 15 years. Or a Mom, sentenced to 10 years behind bars and separated from her baby before its first birthday. This happens constantly.

[Read more…]

Transparency Revisited

By 1 Comment

Transparency… with Conditions

For years we have advocated greater transparency among family members when addressing issues, such as:
— the location of a parent’s will and other important documents;
— how a parent intends to bequeath her assets;
— whom the parent designates as executor of his will and his powers of attorney;
— the terms of their living will and who will make healthcare decisions for them should they lack capacity to voice their preferences; and where they would reside if they can no longer live independently.

We consistently urge parents to share this information with ALL their adult children. No exceptions. To exclude an adult child risks troubled relations among their children long after they’ve left this life for the next.

Worthy counsel indeed. But let’s remember that transparency is not an end in itself. The goal is family harmony, ensuring adult children understand their parents’ wishes, that they are willing to take the helm if a crisis affects their parents’ well-being, and honoring their wishes should they suffer a life threatening illness.

But what happens if these good intentions go awry? What if an adult child resents that another of his siblings is named financial power of attorney? Or a family member objects to an older adult’s aging in place rather than entering assisted living? Or a sibling takes issue with a parent who opts for hospice care rather than undergo high-risk medical treatment for a chronic illness?

[Read more…]

The Portland Paradox

By 1 Comment

In May 2017 my wife and I visited Portland, Oregon, for a week. We had a wonderful time. There’s plenty to do. The weather was awesome. Our hotel was top-notch. Everything clicked.

Our first evening there we saw a play. The theater is in a building that houses several art galleries. One is called “The Geezer Gallery.” After years of writing about ageism and the need for us older Americans to face life squarely and with self-respect, I was honestly appalled that an organization could call itself that. (My online dictionary defines geezer as an odd or eccentric man, usually an elderly person). [Read more…]

The Trouble with Bubbles

By 4 Comments

These days we hear a lot about people living in ‘bubbles.’ In mediation I often encounter parties whose positions are encased in a bubble, reinforced by an interior monologue that strengthens their conviction that they are right and the opposing party is wrong. In time it’s possible to pierce these bubbles and engage in conversations about mutual concerns and interests they share with the other party.

In politics bubbles have taken a more sinister significance. Living just 12 blocks from the U.S. Capitol, I’m sure many think I not only live in a bubble, but in ‘The Swamp’ as well.

If I live in a bubble, don’t an unemployed factory worker in Youngstown, Ohio, or a rancher in Oklahoma live in bubbles as well? One could argue we all live in bubbles.

Bubbles can be perilous places. While they may provide a protective ‘skin’ to keep out opposing, even ‘dangerous’ ideas, and exposure to the ‘other,’ they also prevent us from enlarging our understanding of the world beyond us.

 

[Read more…]

Is Lack of Transparency the Same as Lying?

By 2 Comments

What if we neglect to tell a family member something that we feel is unimportant or even trivial, but they think IS important and not trivial? Is that lying? Or behaving falsely?

For example……

What if a family member, a care-giving sibling (CGS), uses her parents’ money to purchase a first-alert device or a home security system so she knows whether the parent has been in an accident or has a medical emergency? The other siblings live a several hundred miles away. Why bother? They’re not involved, right?

[Read more…]

Tips for the Governing Party from a Mediator’s Playbook

By Leave a Comment

The recent debacle over repealing and replacing Obamacare might have been avoided had the President and Congress applied these six best practices in mediation:

1. Stop the Clock. Trying to get House approval of the American Health Care Act on the anniversary of the signing of the Affordable Care Act ignored a central premise of mediation: No clock-watching. Setting a deadline might work as a negotiating tactic. But mediation isn’t negotiation. Reaching consensus among opposing parties takes time and patience, especially when hammering out a measure that needs majority approval. Imposing a cut-off date for passing such complicated legislation guaranteed failure.

[Read more…]

Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

By 1 Comment

As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

Have Seniors Become Their Own Worst Enemy?

By 2 Comments

 
I used to like being told I look great for my age. It was a super ego-booster, made me feel special. But what did that remark really mean? It meant that the person making the remark has a stereotypical view of what older people SHOULD look like. And I didn’t fit their stereotype. It wasn’t really a compliment. It was a remark tainted with prejudice.

Seniors need to stop thinking and acting as if their age limits them.It wasn’t until I began reading This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite* that the scourge of ageism in America became crystal clear. Our society is awash in it. Not only is there a psychological bias against older adults, the scourge has even infected the minds of many older Americans. And who is proof of this? Me. Yes, me. [Read more…]

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation

By 2 Comments

 
I once heard an experienced mediator comment: “I care, but I don’t care that much.” I never quite grasped his meaning. Was he suggesting that a mediation session is entirely in the hands of the parties, and if they can’t reach an agreement within a specific period of time, tough luck? Or did he feel that, despite how close the parties got to an agreement, if an impasse arose, he’d be damned if he’d fall on his sword to help them reach the finish line?

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation by Sig CohenNot always, but in many mediations, I feel like I’m one of the Flying Wallendas, balanced on a high wire trying to accomplish two things:

  1. Help the parties reach the far end of the wire (settling the case); and
  2. Not fall off the tightrope (i.e. keeping a party from leaving the session).

[Read more…]