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Give Back, No. Give, Yes.

November 29, 2021 By Sig Cohen 5 Comments

I know I sound like a curmudgeon. At 84, I’m guess I’m entitled. But here’s my beef with what’s become an everyday expression for too many people. Put another way: Here’s something I fail to understand:

Why in heaven’s name do people say, “I want to give back?” Give back? For what? Is the act of “giving” really the other half of a deal, a bargain, an exchange, a barter, a quo for the quid?

NO! 

Giving in its true sense is an act in and of itself of sharing, donating, offering, providing without any strings. It’s a C O N T R I B U T I O N. 

How did we and our language get so entangled with this idea of “giving back?” How did we get locked into this crazy notion of a giving as reciprocity for something? Can’t we just give without strings?

Or is our usage on auto-pilot? Are we just programmed to say “give back” without even thinking of what that term means?

Generosity is, I believe, fundamental to our species. It is a natural act. Kids who haven’t been conditioned for selfishness are natural givers. For them, sharing is not a right, or an obligation.  It’s something intrinsic to their beings. Until, it isn’t. Until it’s seen as fulfilling one’s end of an exchange. 

The next time you’re about to intone “I want to give back,” try: “I want to contribute” instead. Feel how more meaningful these words are. How the words release you from feeling you owe someone or some group something.  How the word “contribute” frees you to act from your essence, from your core, and not because society expects this of you. Instead, it’s something you expect from yourself. Because it’s good.

-Guest blog

Filed Under: Blog

The Bell Curve of Sympathy

July 24, 2021 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

What happens when friends, acquaintances, just about anyone you know learns you’re sick? Or that a family member has died? Or another tragedy has struck?

If you’re like most recipients of others’ concern, phones ring, get well and/or sympathy cards arrive, and in some cases you’re deluged with an outpouring of heartfelt support, along with expressions of prayers and thoughts.

Offers of foods, transportation, whatever, can be overwhelming. In some cases there is a cascade of casseroles. 

What happens a few weeks later? “Thoughts and prayers” fade to radio silence. Written expressions of sympathy slow to a trickle and then to dry up.

Life returns to normal. The survivor of a loved one’s death or of a serious illness is expected to “be over it.”

In the media this is called “the news hole.” As soon as one momentous event is overshadowed by a newer one, the first drops out of sight into the “news hole.”

Same with sympathy. Its half-life is a few weeks at best. Then zap! It’s disappeared.  

But what if the survivor or the patient doesn’t recover? What if the loss is so great it has permanently scarred the survivor? Or a patient’s illness worsens, or is terminal? What then?

The sympathy curve has completed its cycle. Obligatory expressions of concern may crop up if we happen to physically encounter the survivor or the patient. Otherwise, nothing.

Maybe it behooves us to keep the survivor in our thoughts and prayers a little longer. Continue offers of support. Don’t take the survivor’s bravado at face value, but genuinely CHECK IN.

Some people don’t recover. Their illness persists. Or the loss of a loved one is a permanent wound, a crippling psychological handicap, or morphs into a chronic (even terminal) condition.

Let’s stop taking “she’ll-get-over-it-itus” for granted.  

Check in. Make that call. Send that text. Be present.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

My New ‘Avocation’

May 24, 2021 By Sig Cohen 31 Comments

It’s ironic that my last, yes last, blog for Tough Conversations should be about my becoming a caregiver. Writing about it, including ‘remote’ caregiving, is easy. It’s way different when you’re caregiving up close and personal.

Short story: In February my wife fell and broke her femur…in two places. Two days after a surgeon put it back together with a steel rod, she was about to begin physical therapy. Then she had a stroke.  Her third. After a week lying on her back in the stroke unit, the hospital (thankfully) moved her to its Acute Rehabilitation Unit where she received intensive therapy and learned how to walk again. Not too strongly, but enough to be discharged safely.  

What the hospital couldn’t treat was her 24/7 dizziness.  She had had dizziness from an earlier stroke, but this time it really whacked her.

She’s been home about two months and is receiving vestibular therapy which (we hope) will diminish, if not eliminate, her dizziness. For those of you who live with this condition, you know that it impacts everything you do. And it saps one’s energy.  

I have to admit that my wife’s condition is not half as serious as most persons who need family care giving.  She’s can manage her ADLs.* We go for walks and share some household chores. But like others who need support, she can’t be left alone…for now.

I am not complaining. I am thankful she’s getting stronger.  We have a network of willing friends, ready to help out, visit, and run errands.  We’re members of a Village (For those of you who don’t know about Villages check www.vtvnetwork.org.). But I want to share some of the lessons most other caregivers already know:

1. Attitude is all. It’s easy to understand why some caregivers become bitter.  There’s little time for oneself.  But maintaining a positive attitude can sweeten the sourest of moments.  

2. Know how and when to advocate. Google all those medical terms the professionals throw at you. Study up on your loved one’s medications, especially if they have adverse effects (most do). Go to doctor’s appointments armed every question you can conjure. 

3. Accept help. At first I thought I could do it all. A few days later that illusion disappeared. 

4. And ask for help. This is not the time for Stoic self-reliance. If you have sources of support, enlist them.

No doubt you out there who care give can think of oodles of others. This is just for starters.

I’ve enjoyed our correspondence over the past ten years. Thank you for reading our blogs and for sharing your thoughts.

Sig

*ADL = Activities of Daily Living

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Two Words

October 30, 2020 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

In my tough conversations about race with African-American friends, the two words that most powerfully describe the systemic racism they experience daily are Trauma and Exhaustion. Not momentary or situational trauma or temporary exhaustion. By no means. These conditions, I have learned, have been etched into the psychological DNA of many African- Americans whom I respect, and in some cases, revere. Many live with trauma and exhaustion throughout their day. Everyday.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to feel continually traumatized and exhausted. I might were I a Jew in Nazi German or for that matter, a Jew in much of Europe during the 1940’s. Or, in a concentration camp not knowing whether I would be among the next to be exterminated. Or, for that matter, what ISIS victims must feel if their village was overwhelmed by these zealot-killers.

Imagine getting up each morning and not knowing whether I will be stopped when driving because of a minor infraction and then knowing that I could be the next George Floyd or Philando Castile. Imagine waiting at a department store counter for a clerk to show you a piece of jewelry… for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES as what happened to a dear friend of mine. Or just for a moment wondering what it would feel like to be white for just one day. Or, knowing that the slightest move could touch off an incident. Or that a family member might not receive the same level of care as a white patient in a hospital or clinic. Or that the sentence I would receive for a crime is more severe than what a white person would receive. Or, knowing that my children’s education would be inferior to what a white child would receive. Or, or, or?

Knowing all this, how should I think when I come in contact with a Black person? Should I feel pity? I hope not. Sympathy? Not that either. Empathy? Getting warmer. Empathy suggests putting yourself in the shoes of the person whom you’re listening to and trying to imagine what they are feeling.

According to Isabel Wilkerson, author of the New York Times bestseller, Caste, we white folks should consider radical empathy. She defines radical empathy as “putting in the work to educate oneself to listen with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine how we would feel.” Radical empathy, she continues, is “not about us and what we think we would do in a situation we have never been in and perhaps never will.”

In other words, radical empathy is not just putting ourselves in others’ shoes and listening with a humble heart. It’s not just viewing their experience from their perspective. For me, it’s more: it’s putting in the work to educate ourselves about our country’s past and, for good measure, to evaluate our involvement in its future.

Filed Under: Blog

A Circle of Trust: One Mediator’s Approach to Improving Race Relations

June 25, 2020 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

For two years I have been a member of a group of five (originally six) African-Americans and six Jews who have met monthly to listen, learn, and lean together toward social justice. That the white people are Jewish does not preclude any white persons from initiating and engaging in this kind of gathering.

Our process of give and take is partly modeled on circle practices*, which in their essence call on circle members to first build mutual understanding, trust, and acceptance before embarking on efforts, for example, to improve conditions for less fortunate neighbors or other common goals. In other words, it’s personal before becoming transactional.

Each meeting has a different facilitator (or in circle parlance a “keeper”) and theme. Our group has retained the same 11 members since it began.  Once formed, the group’s membership doesn’t grow or change. It retains the same members. Twelve is an optimum size. Meetings begin with a check-in in which members reflect on the past month, what’s gone well and what hasn’t. In this way and through stories we share, we have built a community in which we have developed a genuine affection for each other.

During check-in we talk about our losses, e.g., a death in a family, and our gains.  We find ways to support each other whether in sadness or joy.  Throughout, we’ve been open to sharing our fears and our dreams. We can disagree (often), but still maintain our trust and affection for each other.

Mind you, it takes time and energy to build such a group. Finding individuals willing to be vulnerable, commit to meeting for two hours monthly, and stick with the group for an extended period is challenging.

We call our group “Cross River Dialogue.” The river is the Anacostia which flows through Washington, DC, and is more than a geographic reality. The east side is mostly African-American, poor, often overwhelmed with street violence, and other chronic urban ills, due largely to systemic and institutional racism. The west is the Washington tourists see when visiting here.

For me the learning can come as a jolt, like when one member exclaimed she’d like to be white for one day just to have that experience, or when another said he hadn’t planned for retirement because he never thought he’d live long enough to enjoy it.

I admit this is a micro step. But it has brought us close and united us in ways we never anticipated. You can find us attending each other’s events, testifying before the DC Council on behalf of each other’s causes, and volunteering in ways we never imagined.

We are truly a circle of trust. 

*The Little Book of Circle Practices, Kay Pranis. Simon and Schuster Digital Sales. 2015

Filed Under: Blog

Is Your Digital Legacy Up for Grabs?

April 29, 2020 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

Ten years ago, I’d never have thought about writing about digital legacy planning. But when I think about my digital assets (photos, documents, music, blogs, business records, etc.) and my digital accounts (emails, bank accounts, subscriptions, etc.), I know I’ll want to provide for someone to handle them (1) in case I lack capacity to manage them, or (2) after I die.

Think about it: the larger my “digital footprint,” the larger my “digital legacy.” While I am only on Facebook and LinkedIn, I imagine many readers are also on Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, as well as dating, job search, and affinity websites. What happens to these accounts after one dies?  

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

But What About the Solo Agers?

March 8, 2020 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

After presenting a webinar on our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Family As Your Parents Age, I realized that little of what I discussed about having “The Conversation,” or transparency, or naming a healthcare proxy applies to persons with no family connections.

What recourse has an older adult with no one to serve as her power of attorney or executor of his will or someone to call in case of illness or medical emergency?  Whom do these people (often referred to as “solo agers” or worse, “elder orphans”) rely on for these and countless other supports?

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

My Day at an End-of-Life Expo

February 1, 2020 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

I recently attended an End-of-Life Expo. Organized by Washington, DC-based IONA Senior Services, a highly respected nonprofit dedicated to improving the lives of aging persons, its notice about the expo tweaked my interest: “When you express how you want to die, you reveal how you want to live.”

The day-long expo offered 12 sessions from dementia planning and organ and body donations to writing your own obituary and DC’s Death With Dignity Act. (In 2016 the District of Columbia joined seven other jurisdictions* and enacted a Death with Dignity law that enables terminally ill DC residents to take their own lives with two doctors’ approvals and after meeting a host of other requirements.) More on this below.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Planning Deconstructed

January 7, 2020 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

When thinking about planning, I typically see a maze of legal twists and turns, forms to complete, conversations to conduct — an obstacle course with no finish line. But if I “de-construct” planning, it becomes more doable and less overwhelming. Here’s how I approach it:

Advance Care Planning

I start with my advance care directive comprising my living will and health care power of attorney (POA) or proxy.  These inform my loved ones and medical professionals how I wish to be treated if I have a life threatening illness or accident. The health care POA designates who should make health care decisions for me should I lack capacity to do so. Also included are a list of my doctors, prescription medicines, and other medical information.  

Of course, none of these documents are really operational without a conversation with those to whom I entrust my care. Advance care planning can extend to care-giving, whether provided by loved ones or hired aides. I also include a “dementia-directive”* which sets out my preferred levels of care should I lack capacity to make health care decisions for myself.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Medical Advocacy – Round Two

November 13, 2019 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

Earlier I discussed how important medical advocacy is when a loved one or friend is hospitalized. As someone’s medical advocate, you want to ensure the hospital staff is serving her as well as possible. Especially at discharge. No one should ever be discharged from a hospital without an advocate, or at least a friend or caregiver, present to hear a discharge nurse’s instructions and review the paperwork that most discharged patients rarely have the capacity to absorb.

Following her hospital discharge your loved one (who has Medicare) may require skilled nursing care (SNC). She qualifies for SNC if: 

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

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