My last blog listed types of listeners. From the ‘pouncer’ to the ‘monopolizer.’ Now, on a more positive note, this post suggests ways to enhance conversation. The first (and for me) most challenging step calls on us to become empathic listeners. I came across this term in an article by Dr. Tammy Lenski* who attributed it to author Steven Covey. For Covey “empathic listening is listening from the other person’s frame of reference. Only empathic listening comes from a desire and commitment to listen without an agenda (emphasis added).”

Developing the “mental muscle” to listen empathically takes practice. Give it a shot the next time you’re engaged in dialogue. In addition, consider these techniques to enrich your exchanges:

1.  Think of conversation as juggling. Most jugglers have to concentrate on keeping several balls in the air. To keep a conversation going, focus on what you’re hearing from the speaker, not your interior dialogue.

2. What you’ve just heard may not require an immediate verbal response. In some exchanges, facial expressions of concern and interest can play as large a role as speaking.

3. Verbal responses should be deliberative. Off-hand replies risk diminishing the value of what the speaker said and being hurtful and dismissive.

4. Open questions enrich conversation. Queries beginning with “How” or “What” seek to engage the speaker in conversation. Closed questions that only elicit a “yes,” “no,” or another one-word reply stymie, if not devalue, dialogue.

5. Asking “Why?” risks distancing the listener from the speaker, especially if a ‘why question’ requires a speaker to justify what she’s said.

7. Own what you say. Ownership means leading with an “I statement” such as “I think,” “I believe,” or “I imagine.” Owning your words gives them meaning. Instead of saying, for example, “Caregiving is a challenging and at times overwhelming experience, lead off with “In my experience caregiving is…..” See the difference?

8. Be reflective. By mirroring back to the speaker what you’ve heard (using different words) lets a speaker know you are genuinely listening. This is also called “reframing.” For example, if a speaker sounds angry, you might say: “I sense that you are displeased with how things are going.” Or, if a speaker is critical of someone, you can reframe her remarks by stating: “I sense you have some issues with that person.” In other words, acknowledge what been said, but try to de-escalate the emotions behind it.

9. Finally, tailor your words to invite a reply. Stitch them together so that your conversation partner feels heard. Questions like “What else do you recall?” or “Tell me more about it.” add value to your exchange.

*”Five Bad Listening Habits and How to Break Them.” www.tammylenski.com, Oct. 2018.

One of the topics Carolyn and I discuss in our presentations about our new book Love’s Way involves Listening.  Most of us don’t listen well. And even when we think we are listening, we sometimes fall into one of the following categories:

The Pouncer: This non-listener is waiting for the other speaker to pause just long enough to inject his point into the conversation.   The speaker may be in the middle of conveying a thought, but hesitated to take a breath or sip some water. That’s the moment the pouncer has been waiting for: to take charge of the conversation.

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Q:  How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?

A:  You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

1.  What’s my contribution?

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Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.

A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.

In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth.  Here are other reasons:

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In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new.  Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.

Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.

Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?

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Talking with your doctor (provider) is not just about what ails you. It’s more.  Lot’s more. Let us count the ways:

First, a patient should know his or her health goals, or seek help in defining them, especially as she or he advances in years.  For example, if you became severely ill, even mortally ill, how much ‘heroic effort’ would you want your doctor to provide?  You should understand your medical options in case a health crisis occurs.  Bottom line: What quality of life would you want were you severely ill with questionable chances of recovery?  

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