Helicopter parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from every possible danger or scheduling every minute to insure a child succeeds
at whatever the parent holds dear, whether it’s sports or music or straight
A’s. Sometimes helicopter parents morph into “helicopter grownup children” as their own parents age. In their 50s or 60s, they may begin to parent their parents. What’s meant as caring can feel like control.

Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid

1. Just walking into your parents house triggers your inner decorator. I know a woman who offered to house sit while her parents took a cruise. They returned to find the sunny yellow kitchen they left was now pale green, with curtains and a tablecloth to match. Daughter had reorganized everything in the cabinets. Surprise! It took weeks to find the wine opener. Mom was not grateful. If you feel tempted to suggest re-hanging a picture or reupholstering a piece of furniture in your parents’ home, stifle that impulse.
2. You offer to manage your parents’ finances, even though they’re under no obvious financial strain and have not asked your advice. You can barely resist the urge to peek at their checkbook. You ask how much they paid in taxes. How much are they giving to charity? Do they have a financial advisor? You know a good one you can recommend.
3. You give your parents unrequested health care advice. You suggest they change doctors or stop taking whatever the doctor prescribed, or become vegans. You may actually be right. This may be reasonable, depending on circumstances. It crosses into helicoptering when you enroll them in a gym, send daily internet advice, or insist on accompanying them to their doctor, uninvited. Unless Mom or Dad has an obvious, unaddressed medical problem, please don’t create one.
4. You itch to reorganize Dad’s files. He asks you to fix a glitch in his
   computer. You do, but you also notice he’s not using a logical system for keeping documents. Don’t scratch that itch. And PLEASE don’t change any passwords!
5. When you’re around your parents you forget everything you know about boundaries. An 82 year old friend of mine is 6’4″. He and his second wife were both widowed when they married two years ago. They sleep in a queen size bed, and it’s driving his kids nuts. They know he’s tall and he needs a king size bed! He told the kids, smiling, “I don’t want her to get away from me.” They didn’t get it – or can’t believe it. They mean well. But a parent’s bed is not helicopter turf. They should buzz off.

HOW TO LAND THAT HELICOPTER

1. Understand that old people are still adults, whose autonomy must be
   respected. Even in early stages of dementia, they will be capable of knowing what they want and need.
2. Children need to know parents are safe. Pay attention, and if you notice something awry, like a stack of unpaid bills, lack of cleanliness, or an empty refrigerator, ask about it. But don’t assume your parents need help just because they’re old.
3. Parents, confide in your children. Share information they need to know. And do ask for advice when you need it. As parents age they’ll eventually need more help. Role reversal can be sweet and intimate, gradual and natural. That’s not helicoptering, that’s love.

A friend recently arranged to have his will prepared.  He told me he planned to bequeath his one piece of real property in three equal measures to his brother and his two sons.  In other words, three persons would become co-owners of one property. 

I asked whether he planned to discuss with them the terms (not the value) of his bequest.  He replied that they refused to discuss the matter. He said their unwillingness to discuss the bequest almost guaranteed a dispute over the distribution of the property after his death.  He acknowledged that from past experience he was powerless to avert this outcome. Discussions about death or money were out of the question. 

I recalled how a grandparent I knew bequeathed unequal amounts of her estate to her three adult children.  Again, no discussion of the terms of the bequest before her death, leaving her children to assume she favored one child over the others. The outcome? Rancor and distrust among the siblings for the rest of their lives. Instead of blaming their parent who failed to have “The Conversation,” they grew further apart.

In my friend’s case, I could only imagine what might happen if one heir wanted to sell the property, another preferred to lease it on a long-term basis, and another wanted to use for his son who was moving to Washington, DC. 

Aside from strapping down the heirs and forcing them to discuss the bequest before his death, what other options are there?

1. My friend could name a third party executor to dispose of the property upon his death and distribute the proceeds in equal amounts, minus the executor’s fee.  That way, the heirs could heap blame on the executor and avoid an internecine battle among themselves. 
2. He could bequeath all or a portion of the property to a charity thus avoiding any fights among the heirs and take the heat post mortem.
3. Finally, he could write his future heirs and state that he wanted them to sell the property upon his death. He could further explain that not discussing the terms of his bequest now risked a long-term dispute after his death, something he hoped they would avoid.

Other solutions may exist.  What struck me about our original conversation was his conviction that no matter what he attempted, a fight among his heirs was inevitable.  In a world where strife and bitterness seem ubiquitous, this is one fight that could be avoided.

Trust

Parents need to know their adult children will, to the best of their ability, ensure they receive appropriate care in a hospital, assisted living, or skilled nursing residence. They hope their kids will look out for their safety without diminishing their autonomy and independence, but enough to keep them safe.

Transparency

Adult children cannot advocate effectively without knowing, their parents’ health care goals and values and are aware of their parents state of health. They should have copies of their parents’ general power of attorney (POA), advance directive, and are named as ‘attorneys-in-fact’ (or proxies) for health-related decision making. This means parents and their adult children have had “The Conversation” about these matters. They grasp that “The Conversation” is a process in which adult children understand and agree to carry out their parent’s wishes, especially their end-of-life expectations. And Mom and Dad are confident that they will do so.

Reliability

Parents need assurance that if they call their children from a hospital emergency room at 2 AM informing them that Dad had a stroke or Mom broke her hip, they will engage with hospital’s medical staff and inform them of their POA status and that they want to be kept informed every step of the way. If they live out of town, they may have to travel to be at their parents’ side to make sure their parents receive the best possible care, both in the hospital and after discharge.

Knowledge

Adult children, for example, know the difference between being admitted into a hospital and entered for observation.  They know who their parents’  doctors are and how to contact them. They know the results of their parents’ annual physicals and their medication regimen. They are aware of senior resources in their parents’ community and whether their parents know about them and utilize them.

Attitude

Parents hope their adult children WILLINGLY accept their advocacy roles. That they aren’t being dragged “kicking and screaming” into their roles. That they will communicate with their parents and with their siblings not just when it hits the fan, but on a regular, predictable basis, be it weekly or even daily. 

A friend recently had spine surgery that took 5+ hours. After regaining consciousness, she found herself in the recovery unit…for the next 26 hours! Groggy from the anesthetic and not knowing whom to talk to, she languished there until a friend arrived and raised hell. She subsequently learned that private rooms were available throughout the 26 hours, but somehow the Recovery Unit staff wasn’t aware of any. When they finally wheeled her to a private room, she waited another hour for the room to be cleaned.

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Like many of you, I have an Advanced Care Directive comprising a Living Will and Health Care Proxy (or Power of Attorney) to make decisions for me if I lose my capacity to do so. I live in a jurisdiction (the District of Columbia) that permits physician-assisted death. My family and I have discussed my health care values and preferences. If I ever have a mind crippling illness and had earlier told my family and physician my preference not to continue living in that situation, my family and doctor know what to do. Right? Wrong!

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My last blog listed types of listeners. From the ‘pouncer’ to the ‘monopolizer.’ Now, on a more positive note, this post suggests ways to enhance conversation. The first (and for me) most challenging step calls on us to become empathic listeners. I came across this term in an article by Dr. Tammy Lenski* who attributed it to author Steven Covey. For Covey “empathic listening is listening from the other person’s frame of reference. Only empathic listening comes from a desire and commitment to listen without an agenda (emphasis added).”

Developing the “mental muscle” to listen empathically takes practice. Give it a shot the next time you’re engaged in dialogue. In addition, consider these techniques to enrich your exchanges:

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One of the topics Carolyn and I discuss in our presentations about our new book Love’s Way involves Listening.  Most of us don’t listen well. And even when we think we are listening, we sometimes fall into one of the following categories:

The Pouncer: This non-listener is waiting for the other speaker to pause just long enough to inject his point into the conversation.   The speaker may be in the middle of conveying a thought, but hesitated to take a breath or sip some water. That’s the moment the pouncer has been waiting for: to take charge of the conversation.

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Q:  How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?

A:  You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

1.  What’s my contribution?

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Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.

A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.

In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth.  Here are other reasons:

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In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new.  Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.

Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.

Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?

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