Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

The Virtues of Small Talk

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Some people think small talk is a waste of time.

I disagree.

In fact, we need more of it.

Small talk can have a big payoff.Anybody can do it. At any time. It crosses boundaries of race and age and class. My late husband, Jerry, used to wait by the curb on Monday mornings just to talk Redskins with our trash collector.

You can do it anywhere. In a supermarket, restaurant or beauty shop. Across the fence with your neighbor.

And small talk offers big benefits for a very small investment.

  1. Small talk enhances the common pool of human kindness.

    When my friend, Jim, visits his cousin in a nursing home, he always stops to speak to the other residents as well. [Read more…]

An Alternative to Guardianship Made for Mediation

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An Alternative to Guardianship Made for MediationWell, if you die before she does, then she’ll need a guardian,” an attorney recently told a friend of mine. He was referring to my friend’s sister who relies largely on him to handle her financial, healthcare, and other concerns. The attorney’s remark was like the snap of a wet towel across his thigh. [Read more…]

Forget Bra Burning; Women’s Lib Gave Me My Calling

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I sometimes find it hard to explain to women under 40 why I am proud to call myself a feminist. Many think of us as angry, strident, and unnecessary. It makes me afraid that the history we forget, we may be in danger of repeating.

Forget Bra Burning: Women's Lib Gave Me a CallingAs a ninth grader in Miami, I had to take a series of vocational aptitude tests. Mine consistently showed I would be a good journalist, minister, or lawyer. Big problem: I was a girl. This was the 1950’s, and The Feminine Mystique was just beginning to germinate in Betty Friedan’s heart and mind. Nobody had ever heard of women’s liberation.

Help Wanted columns were divided by Male and Female, and there were no ads for journalists, ministers, or lawyers in the Female pages of the paper. All the “girl” jobs were in offices, hospitals, schools, or restaurants. Never courts. [Read more…]

When Is It Time?

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Tough Conversations is pleased to feature an article by Guest Blogger Susy Murphy who is a respected Aging Life Care Manager and Owner of Debra Levy Eldercare Associates in Maryland.

Making The Difficult Decision to Move a Family Member to Assisted Living or Memory Care
(reprinted with permission)

When is it timeOne of the most difficult decisions that any family faces is making the decision about when, or if, moving a family member to assisted living is the right thing to do. As Aging Life Care™ Managers, this is often when we are called on, whether to schedule an office consult with concerned adult children to discuss options or to meet with a spouse in their home and assess whether or not their husband or wife can still be safely cared for there. It is nearly always an emotionally fraught decision. Sometimes adult children promised their parents that they would “never put them in a home,” whatever that may mean in today’s world where some skilled nursing facilities actually more closely resemble a Hilton Garden Inn with nurses, and long before being faced with the realities of a difficult diagnosis, such as Lewy Body Dementia. [Read more…]

Lessons from a Wedding

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We recently attended our son’s wedding. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect and our son and his new wife couldn’t have looked more radiant. What amazed me the most, however, was the amount of planning that went into preparing for the big day.

Lessons From a Wedding

Months before the ceremony our son’s fiancé (and he) began the process. Planning included the size and color of the calligraphy of the invitation, floral arrangements, seating at the wedding dinner, down to the ‘official’ color of the event.

[Read more…]

What I Wish I’d Said

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Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.
What I Wish I'd Said

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

[Read more…]

Planning 10.0: Your Ethical Will

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Besides our will, powers of attorney, trust documents, and other legal, financial, and end-of-life instructions that we should share with family members, we need to prepare one other item: our ethical will.Planning 10.0: Your Ethical Will

Ethical wills (or legacy letters) are designed to transmit values from one generation to the next.  They set out our beliefs, principles, and hopes for those who succeed us.  An ethical will often include what we’re grateful for and our expectations for the future.  They are best written over an extended period.  Their purpose is to express what we hope our children will continue to follow and abide by.

Ethical wills are nothing new.  Their origins are rooted in Biblical soil.  Think of Moses speaking his parting words to the children of Israel as they were about to enter the Holy Land. Or, Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in which he told his disciples that, among other Beatitudes: “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth.” [Read more…]

Relinquishment: Letting Go

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There’s no sugarcoating it: losses hurt. Whether it’s “aging out” of favorite activities, loss of meaningful work, or even the death of a person you loved, slogging through the pain and grief and anger of loss is hard!

But there’s another way.Relinquishment: Letting Go

Acceptance may come slowly and feel forced. We greet it with tight lips and a closed fist. We resonate with Ann Lamott’s, “Everything I ever let go of had claw marks on it.” Our fist is being pried open. We feel like victims.

Relinquishment is acceptance-plus. It’s an active, intentional attitude of letting go. We open our fist and freely offer whatever is being taken away. We may not be able to avoid our loss but we can control our response to it. We meet it with an open hand, an open heart, and a free spirit. [Read more…]

My Least Favorite Words

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Everyone has words they dislike.  I have three:My Least Favorite Words

The first is “facility.”  Especially when grouped with ‘assisted living’ or ‘continuing care,’ or ‘memory care.’

I’d always thought a facility is a place where things are made, or shipped from, or warehoused. Facilities are places for getting things done. Why do we apply the term ‘facility’ to describe places where older people reside?

Residences or homes are where people live.  Like long-term care residences, or skilled-nursing homes.  Coupling the word facility with places where many seniors reside contributes to the objectification of older people, that is, treating them as an object or thing.

[Read more…]

Death Terms and Euphemisms

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From time to time, Tough Conversations will present articles by guest bloggers on topics of interest to our readers. M. Jane Markley, an expert on advance care planning, wonders why it’s so hard to talk about death:
Death Terms and Euphemisms

Have you ever noticed just how difficult it is for people to say the word “death” or “died”? You mostly hear the terms when something horrific has happened like an earthquake or a bombing but in day to day life it is rare. This is part of our culture of death avoidance. Just take a look at the obituaries. If we don’t say it, perhaps it won’t or didn’t happen. If you listen carefully you will hear many other phrases or words used but rarely “death”. [Read more…]