Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.
In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new. Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.
Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.
Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?
Talking with your doctor (provider) is not just about what ails you. It’s more. Lot’s more. Let us count the ways:
First, a patient should know his or her health goals, or seek help in defining them, especially as she or he advances in years. For example, if you became severely ill, even mortally ill, how much ‘heroic effort’ would you want your doctor to provide? You should understand your medical options in case a health crisis occurs. Bottom line: What quality of life would you want were you severely ill with questionable chances of recovery?
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We are excited about the imminent release of our book, Love’s Way: Living Peacefully with Your Family As Your Parents Age, and hope our readers find what we wrote valuable. Like other writers we are often asked to sum up what our book is about. Love’s Way covers so much ground it’s hard to sum up our theme in a few words.
For example, a sympathetic reporter from a local paper asked me: “What is the crux of your book?” Her question stopped me cold in my tracks. The crux of our book? I never thought of our book having a “crux,” but rather a continuum: Starting with the scourge of ageism, we highlight such topics as sibling relations, assumptions, forgiveness, legal concerns, care giving, and end with death and dying. A kind of arc of issues that frame how aging has and will continue to impact families.
But the crux? In as few words as possible I’d venture to write: “Our book addresses the impact that a parent’s aging can have on families, and how they can respond with love, understanding, and empathy.” We hope our book will bring families closer together as they accompany one another through life.
Bring Flowers, Not AssumptionsWhat’s easier than holding preconceived notions about others? They can parade through our minds as if on auto-pilot. Try to erase your set notions about those who will join you for the festivity. Instead, attend the event with a clean slate… and a bouquet of flowers for the host.
This post was originally published under the title “Grandma’s Secrets: 5 Questions for Thoughtful Conversation” on Iona Senior Services’ website on October 9, 2018. Learn more about Iona at www.iona.org.
People in the last third of life have dynamic inner lives that their grownup children or grandchildren might never imagine. Next time you have an hour, here are some questions to ask your elder loved one. You may be amazed at the response.
1. How old do you feel in your spirit?
An elder’s inner age does not comport with chronology. Inside, I’m permanently about 34 years old. It’s how I feel as I go about doing life. That’s about the age of the female characters in my dreams. When I was that age, my children were young and law school was still on the horizon, but coming into view. Today, I’m a great-grandmother and a retired judge. But I’m still shocked every time I look in the mirror.
Usually I toss my copy of the annual Medicare and You Handbook into my ‘read file.’ But with our book coming out in January (see below), I carefully reviewed this year’s issue. Its 122 pages are chock-full of information on coverage like chronic care management services (p.34) and yearly wellness visits (p.49). But the following three items, I believe, merit special attention.
When my friend Bill’s mother’s primary care physician informed her that she would need round-the-clock support (because of one unexplained blackout), it was a shocker to her and her family.
What to do? Bill and his brother lived far enough away that they couldn’t provide their mom the required level of personal care. And their Mom was determined to remain in her hometown.
So, they checked out a few assisted living residences, and in an all-too-brief period decided on one. It had a good enough reputation and wasn’t far from her apartment. So, she moved in… and was pretty miserable for her remaining years. Given her temperament, she might have been unhappy no matter where she lived. But I can’t help wondering whether the residence where Bill’s mom moved was the main cause of her upset.
A man I’ll call George hired my friend, a social worker, to visit his “Uncle Milt.” George hoped my friend would persuade Milt, 96, to move from the home he loved on the East Coast to a nursing home in Nebraska near George. Uncle Milt, however, was firmly planted and said so loud and clear.
The social worker found Milt alert and engaging. She gave him a “mini-mental” test that showed minor memory loss but no dementia. Milt’s two long-time health-care aides were present. They kept him clean and well-fed and took him on outings. A neighbor looked in on Milt every evening. Clearly they all shared a deep affection for Milt. He seemed happy.
My friend informed George that Milt could safely remain in his home and recommended he be allowed to do so.
Most of the time when I am confronted by another person’s emotions, I mirror back their behavior. If someone’s angry with me, I tend to respond in kind. If someone’s pleasant, I’ll react similarly. If we find ourselves in a frightening situation, we often become scared. And so on. This is called ‘complementary behavior.’ Another name is ‘feedback loop.’
But what if we ‘flip the script?’ What happens when we confront anger with empathy or kindness? A 2016 NPR episode of Invisibilia recounted how a group of friends who were dining together were suddenly confronted by someone threatening to rob them at gunpoint. One of the group invited the would-be thief to join them with a glass of wine. In time the thief put away his gun, asked for a group hug, apologized, and departed without incident.
Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.
Then, for several decades, the parent-child relationship becomes adult-adult. This period can be very pleasant. Like good friends, you help each other in a pinch, but live your own lives and make your own decisions.
Role reversal begins when the child assumes control of some aspect of a parent’s life. It may begin at the parent’s request and be relatively minor, such as taking care of Dad’s car maintenance, or driving Mom to medical appointments, doing income taxes or balancing checkbooks. This control shift is limited and non-intrusive. Inconvenience to the child is minimal and the parent is grateful. [Read more…]