When my husband Jim turned 82 recently (my age), one of our kids gave him a birthday card. It showed a back view of a naked white-haired guy running into the ocean. The word “Yippee!” in the shape of swim trunks was pasted across his buns. The card said, “Getting old is AWESOME!” 

But inside it read “ … said no one ever. Anyway, Happy Birthday!”

Not LOL. 

I for one do say old age is awesome! I’m not as spry as I used to be, but the freedom makes up for it. Here are some AWESOME things I couldn’t do when I was younger:

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Helicopter parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from every possible danger or scheduling every minute to insure a child succeeds
at whatever the parent holds dear, whether it’s sports or music or straight
A’s. Sometimes helicopter parents morph into “helicopter grownup children” as their own parents age. In their 50s or 60s, they may begin to parent their parents. What’s meant as caring can feel like control.

Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid

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A friend recently arranged to have his will prepared.  He told me he planned to bequeath his one piece of real property in three equal measures to his brother and his two sons.  In other words, three persons would become co-owners of one property. 

I asked whether he planned to discuss with them the terms (not the value) of his bequest.  He replied that they refused to discuss the matter. He said their unwillingness to discuss the bequest almost guaranteed a dispute over the distribution of the property after his death.  He acknowledged that from past experience he was powerless to avert this outcome. Discussions about death or money were out of the question. 

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Trust

Parents need to know their adult children will, to the best of their ability, ensure they receive appropriate care in a hospital, assisted living, or skilled nursing residence. They hope their kids will look out for their safety without diminishing their autonomy and independence, but enough to keep them safe.

Transparency

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A friend recently had spine surgery that took 5+ hours. After regaining consciousness, she found herself in the recovery unit…for the next 26 hours! Groggy from the anesthetic and not knowing whom to talk to, she languished there until a friend arrived and raised hell. She subsequently learned that private rooms were available throughout the 26 hours, but somehow the Recovery Unit staff wasn’t aware of any. When they finally wheeled her to a private room, she waited another hour for the room to be cleaned.

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Like many of you, I have an Advanced Care Directive comprising a Living Will and Health Care Proxy (or Power of Attorney) to make decisions for me if I lose my capacity to do so. I live in a jurisdiction (the District of Columbia) that permits physician-assisted death. My family and I have discussed my health care values and preferences. If I ever have a mind crippling illness and had earlier told my family and physician my preference not to continue living in that situation, my family and doctor know what to do. Right? Wrong!

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My last blog listed types of listeners. From the ‘pouncer’ to the ‘monopolizer.’ Now, on a more positive note, this post suggests ways to enhance conversation. The first (and for me) most challenging step calls on us to become empathic listeners. I came across this term in an article by Dr. Tammy Lenski* who attributed it to author Steven Covey. For Covey “empathic listening is listening from the other person’s frame of reference. Only empathic listening comes from a desire and commitment to listen without an agenda (emphasis added).”

Developing the “mental muscle” to listen empathically takes practice. Give it a shot the next time you’re engaged in dialogue. In addition, consider these techniques to enrich your exchanges:

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One of the topics Carolyn and I discuss in our presentations about our new book Love’s Way involves Listening.  Most of us don’t listen well. And even when we think we are listening, we sometimes fall into one of the following categories:

The Pouncer: This non-listener is waiting for the other speaker to pause just long enough to inject his point into the conversation.   The speaker may be in the middle of conveying a thought, but hesitated to take a breath or sip some water. That’s the moment the pouncer has been waiting for: to take charge of the conversation.

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Q:  How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?

A:  You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

1.  What’s my contribution?

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Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.

A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.

In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth.  Here are other reasons:

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