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The Bell Curve of Sympathy

July 24, 2021 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

What happens when friends, acquaintances, just about anyone you know learns you’re sick? Or that a family member has died? Or another tragedy has struck?

If you’re like most recipients of others’ concern, phones ring, get well and/or sympathy cards arrive, and in some cases you’re deluged with an outpouring of heartfelt support, along with expressions of prayers and thoughts.

Offers of foods, transportation, whatever, can be overwhelming. In some cases there is a cascade of casseroles. 

What happens a few weeks later? “Thoughts and prayers” fade to radio silence. Written expressions of sympathy slow to a trickle and then to dry up.

Life returns to normal. The survivor of a loved one’s death or of a serious illness is expected to “be over it.”

In the media this is called “the news hole.” As soon as one momentous event is overshadowed by a newer one, the first drops out of sight into the “news hole.”

Same with sympathy. Its half-life is a few weeks at best. Then zap! It’s disappeared.  

But what if the survivor or the patient doesn’t recover? What if the loss is so great it has permanently scarred the survivor? Or a patient’s illness worsens, or is terminal? What then?

The sympathy curve has completed its cycle. Obligatory expressions of concern may crop up if we happen to physically encounter the survivor or the patient. Otherwise, nothing.

Maybe it behooves us to keep the survivor in our thoughts and prayers a little longer. Continue offers of support. Don’t take the survivor’s bravado at face value, but genuinely CHECK IN.

Some people don’t recover. Their illness persists. Or the loss of a loved one is a permanent wound, a crippling psychological handicap, or morphs into a chronic (even terminal) condition.

Let’s stop taking “she’ll-get-over-it-itus” for granted.  

Check in. Make that call. Send that text. Be present.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Late-Life Romance

July 19, 2021 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

When a new book, Love After 50, launched on July 13, 2021 it had my full attention. After all, I was in it. The author, Francine Russo, interviewed Jim and me after learning of our marriage just before we turned 80.

Photo by Brian Le Gette

This book is full of practical wisdom, born of the twice-widowed author’s two marriages and current long-term partnership, as well as true stories of many other couples she interviewed. 

Jim and I knew each other nearly fifty years when we married in 2017, so I hadn’t needed to explore online dating sites and protocol to find a trustworthy mate. Still, I found those chapters fun to read. But what really engaged me about the book were the communication tips throughout. 

As a journalist, Russo understands the impact of words. She identifies sensitive topics that may/will come up and offers clear model conversations.  What should you talk about (and avoid) on a first date?  (Hint: Don’t talk about your former spouse.) 

What if you meet for coffee, and you know right away you’re not interested? If he asks to see you again, Russo suggests saying, in a kindly manner, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you, but the chemistry doesn’t feel right for a romantic relationship.” If he insists he wants to be a “friend,” Russo advises, “That’s never worked for me, I’m afraid.” (p. 107)

Russo says to be clear, firm, and as kind as possible. In her opinion, “ghosting” (just disappearing and not returning calls with no explanation) isn’t fair.

If the date is going so badly that you don’t want to finish your coffee, she advises, just look at your watch and say, “Oh, I’m afraid I have to go now.”

Those are the easy conversations. Some are much more sensitive.

For instance, if you’ve begun to date, you really like each other, and it seems like sex is on the horizon – how do you suggest you both get tested for STDs? Even tougher, what if you know you have one? How and when do you reveal it? (You MUST reveal it before you have sex.) 

What if you’ve dated for several months, and now you’re sure it’s not right? She gives examples of four things you can say – without criticizing the partner. You know your partner will be hurt, so you have to summon courage. “Say kindly but firmly whatever your truth is.” She gives examples.

Russo also gives tips on how to accept rejection if you’re the one with unrequited love.

A chapter on senior sexuality is encouraging. That topic also requires sensitive talks, too. 

There will be necessary conversations about other topics: where you will live, how you’ll handle money, relationships with each other’s children. How do you tell your own children there’s a new person in your life, when they may still be grieving a lost parent? What are each other’s caregiving expectations? 

When Sig and I began Tough Conversations and wrote our book, Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Family As Your Parents Age, we focused on intergenerational talk between aging parents and their adult kids. Love After 50, on the other hand, describes conversations within the same generation – that of the older parents. 

The circumstances differ but the principles are the same: listen generously to understand the other, and share your own truth with clarity and kindness. 

For more takes on the book, see the following (very different) articles: 

Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart

Better Sex Through Cartoons

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Pivoting for Good: Three Who Made a Difference

June 25, 2021 By Carolyn Parr 12 Comments

On a single day, May 31, 2021, The Washington Post carried obituaries of three very different men. They probably never met, but their lives had something very important in common.

As adults, each had made a life-changing shift in the path he was taking. And that shift redounded to improving the world.

Robert L. Smith, Educator
Age 96

Robert L. Smith made decisions that changed the lives of countless thousands of young people, thousands in person, more from a distance. He died on May 24, 2021.

Robert’s family were Quakers, a faith he deeply embraced as a young person. He was attending Harvard College when World War II broke out. 

As a Quaker, Robert was expected to be a conscientious objector. It grieved him as a Quaker, but he was convinced that Hitler was so evil it was morally imperative to fight the Nazis. He fought in active combat, including the bloody Battle of the Bulge. 

Back home, in 1949 Robert graduated Berkeley and earned a Master’s degree in English at Columbia in 1952. He eventually became a dean at Columbia, but he never stopped being a Quaker. In 1965, after reaching the highest levels in academia, he pivoted to a downward path. For the next thirteen years, from 1965-1978 Robert served as headmaster of a Quaker school (Sidwell Friends) in Washington, DC. 

He influenced the children of Presidents Nixon, Clinton, and Obama. He increased the number of Black and Jewish students. He could personally call all 1000 students, from kindergarten to graduating seniors, by name. He led children to Quaker values of simplicity, humility, and peace making. Graduates of Sidwell have taken their places as leaders in every area of United States life.

After thirteen years at Sidwell, Robert pivoted again. He enlarged his quiet circle of service to become an adviser to Congress and the Executive Director of the Council for American Private Education which, according to The Washington Post, is a coalition of more than 33,000 elementary and secondary schools. He influenced the education of all the students who attended them.

After 61 years of marriage, Robert’s wife Eliza preceded him in death. When he passed on May 24, 2021, he left three children and eight grandchildren. But the number of children he influenced for good can only be counted by God.

Paul J. Hanly Jr., Litigator
Age 70

Paul J. Hanly, Jr. grew up exposed to seeing both sides of the law up close. He was born in Jersey City, New Jersey, where his father worked for a time as a prison warden before he became a hospital administrator. 

But obituary author Emily Langer writes, “his maternal grandfather, John V. Kenney, was mayor of Jersey City and a local political power broker who served time in prison after pleading guilty to federal charges of income tax evasion.”    

Paul studied philosophy at Cornell and Cambridge in England. His apparent attempt to understand his background then led him to Georgetown Law School, where he graduated in 1979. [Full disclosure: I graduated there in 1977 so we’d have been contemporaries, but I do not remember him.]

According to Langer, Paul began his legal career in 1979 defending corporations accused of harming the public. For instance, he represented one of the world’s largest asbestos companies. He was very successful, highly regarded, and I imagine well paid in this role for nearly 22 years. 

But on September 11, 2001 everything changed. The attack on our country, according to his son, inspired him to practice law as “a public service.” 

Hanley changed sides. Here’s how Langer described the pivot:

— He helped represent hundreds of victims and families in lawsuits related to the attacks.
— He helped win a $60 million settlement for victims of alleged sex abuse at a school in Haiti.
— He represented plaintiffs sickened by defective drugs and medical devices.

But Paul’s service to victims was just getting started. By the time he died Paul was best known for representing victims of opioid addiction throughout the country. These drugs, according to The Washington Post had already resulted in more than 500,000 deaths. Beginning in the early 2000’s and continuing to his death on May 22, 2021 from thyroid cancer, Paul Haney’s single-minded drive was to win justice for opioid addicts. 

Beginning in 2007 he and a law partner, Jane Conroy, won a settlement of $75 million from Purdue Pharma on behalf of 5000 clients addicted to OxyContin.

He kept going, building cases and winning settlements. In 2018 he and two others were appointed co-lead counsel in multidistrict litigation against opioid producers throughout the country. In 2019 they reached a $325 million settlement in two counties in Ohio. 

Paul Hanley’s work will continue. His team is on a crusade to eradicate opioid addiction. Multidistrict lawsuits are pending throughout the United States. According to Jane Conroy the work involves “thousands of cities, counties and tribes” seeking redress. 

Paul’s life path took several twists and turns. It began with a search for meaning through philosophy (perhaps inspired by trying to understand family members he loved), then to personal success, and finally, inspired by a terrorist attack, to a commitment to serving those who could not speak for themselves. One imagines that was where he found his truest self and deepest satisfaction.

B. J. Thomas, Singer-Songwriter
Age 78

I’m embarrassed to confess I didn’t recognize the name. I should have. I would certainly recognize “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head,” the song BJ Thomas made famous on the sound track of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.” He died on May 29, 2021 from lung cancer.

As a singer, BJ was hard to pin down. He grew up listening with his father to country favorites, Hank Williams and Ernest Tubb—music that seemed to make his father happy. BJ’s own music would also be influenced by “gospel, soul, pop, and early rock music by Mahalia Jackson, Jackie Wilson and Little Richard,” according to Washington Post writer Harrison Smith.

This Texas boy started performing in his early teens with a band called The Triumphs. At the age of 23 he struck it big when his single, a version of Hank Williams’ cover, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry,” rose to No. 8 on Billboard. He said he wrote the song for his father.

Unfortunately, Dad’s example had a dark side: he was an alcoholic. The boy too started drinking heavily and using drugs in his teens.  

In his twenties he married Gloria Richardson, whom he loved. But he had become addicted to Valium and was using $3000 worth of cocaine every week. He overdosed several times. He claimed he once was pronounced dead but was revived. His marriage failed.

In 1975 his life was in the toilet. He wanted his wife back, and turned around. He became a Christian and got sober. He and his wife reunited and  had three daughters together. He’d regained the self-respect lost in his childhood and was determined to pass it on to his family. 

Two years later BJ made his last Top 40 hit, “Don’t Worry Baby” and then began to devote himself entirely to gospel music. Out of seven Grammy nominations for best inspirational performance, he won four, with a fifth for best gospel performance. Although he still sprinkled in some old pop and country hits in concerts, gospel was the only music he recorded  from that time on.

BJ had found his purpose in life. He said, “I want my music to have a positive effect on people. When I perform live I hope the audience will leave with their heads lifted up.” 

By pivoting for good, this man found his deepest calling.

Filed Under: Blog

My New ‘Avocation’

May 24, 2021 By Sig Cohen 31 Comments

It’s ironic that my last, yes last, blog for Tough Conversations should be about my becoming a caregiver. Writing about it, including ‘remote’ caregiving, is easy. It’s way different when you’re caregiving up close and personal.

Short story: In February my wife fell and broke her femur…in two places. Two days after a surgeon put it back together with a steel rod, she was about to begin physical therapy. Then she had a stroke.  Her third. After a week lying on her back in the stroke unit, the hospital (thankfully) moved her to its Acute Rehabilitation Unit where she received intensive therapy and learned how to walk again. Not too strongly, but enough to be discharged safely.  

What the hospital couldn’t treat was her 24/7 dizziness.  She had had dizziness from an earlier stroke, but this time it really whacked her.

She’s been home about two months and is receiving vestibular therapy which (we hope) will diminish, if not eliminate, her dizziness. For those of you who live with this condition, you know that it impacts everything you do. And it saps one’s energy.  

I have to admit that my wife’s condition is not half as serious as most persons who need family care giving.  She’s can manage her ADLs.* We go for walks and share some household chores. But like others who need support, she can’t be left alone…for now.

I am not complaining. I am thankful she’s getting stronger.  We have a network of willing friends, ready to help out, visit, and run errands.  We’re members of a Village (For those of you who don’t know about Villages check www.vtvnetwork.org.). But I want to share some of the lessons most other caregivers already know:

1. Attitude is all. It’s easy to understand why some caregivers become bitter.  There’s little time for oneself.  But maintaining a positive attitude can sweeten the sourest of moments.  

2. Know how and when to advocate. Google all those medical terms the professionals throw at you. Study up on your loved one’s medications, especially if they have adverse effects (most do). Go to doctor’s appointments armed every question you can conjure. 

3. Accept help. At first I thought I could do it all. A few days later that illusion disappeared. 

4. And ask for help. This is not the time for Stoic self-reliance. If you have sources of support, enlist them.

No doubt you out there who care give can think of oodles of others. This is just for starters.

I’ve enjoyed our correspondence over the past ten years. Thank you for reading our blogs and for sharing your thoughts.

Sig

*ADL = Activities of Daily Living

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Two Words

October 30, 2020 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

In my tough conversations about race with African-American friends, the two words that most powerfully describe the systemic racism they experience daily are Trauma and Exhaustion. Not momentary or situational trauma or temporary exhaustion. By no means. These conditions, I have learned, have been etched into the psychological DNA of many African- Americans whom I respect, and in some cases, revere. Many live with trauma and exhaustion throughout their day. Everyday.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to feel continually traumatized and exhausted. I might were I a Jew in Nazi German or for that matter, a Jew in much of Europe during the 1940’s. Or, in a concentration camp not knowing whether I would be among the next to be exterminated. Or, for that matter, what ISIS victims must feel if their village was overwhelmed by these zealot-killers.

Imagine getting up each morning and not knowing whether I will be stopped when driving because of a minor infraction and then knowing that I could be the next George Floyd or Philando Castile. Imagine waiting at a department store counter for a clerk to show you a piece of jewelry… for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES as what happened to a dear friend of mine. Or just for a moment wondering what it would feel like to be white for just one day. Or, knowing that the slightest move could touch off an incident. Or that a family member might not receive the same level of care as a white patient in a hospital or clinic. Or that the sentence I would receive for a crime is more severe than what a white person would receive. Or, knowing that my children’s education would be inferior to what a white child would receive. Or, or, or?

Knowing all this, how should I think when I come in contact with a Black person? Should I feel pity? I hope not. Sympathy? Not that either. Empathy? Getting warmer. Empathy suggests putting yourself in the shoes of the person whom you’re listening to and trying to imagine what they are feeling.

According to Isabel Wilkerson, author of the New York Times bestseller, Caste, we white folks should consider radical empathy. She defines radical empathy as “putting in the work to educate oneself to listen with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine how we would feel.” Radical empathy, she continues, is “not about us and what we think we would do in a situation we have never been in and perhaps never will.”

In other words, radical empathy is not just putting ourselves in others’ shoes and listening with a humble heart. It’s not just viewing their experience from their perspective. For me, it’s more: it’s putting in the work to educate ourselves about our country’s past and, for good measure, to evaluate our involvement in its future.

Filed Under: Blog

How to Avoid a Political Food Fight

October 8, 2020 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

As the race for President heats up, I sometimes feel challenged by comments from friends who have political opinions averse to mine. I’m tempted to do one of three things:

1.  Try to persuade the other that their view is wrong and mine is right; or

2.  Say nothing and leave the impression I agree with the speaker; or  

3.  Say, “I don’t agree,” terminate the conversation, and walk away in disgust (or hang up or unfriend the former friend). 

The first choice won’t work and may start a political food fight. The second is dishonest and not very brave. The third may damage a relationship beyond repair.

So, what can I do instead? As a mediator I can mentally step back and ask myself, how would I treat this conversation if I were an onlooker, not a participant?

A mediator listens closely to try to discover the underlying interest (or need) of each person in a dispute. Often the real interest is hidden, even from the persons themselves. When it’s my dog in the fight, I tend to focus on a particular proposed outcome, without examining my underlying need. 

Back to politics. Underlying issues, for instance, may be public safety and equal treatment. Store owners want protection. Police officers want to be respected and allowed to keep order. Protesters want to be heard and respected. Black moms, like white moms, want their children to be safe. There’s a broad area for agreement here, if we’ll stop to listen to each other. We can find a win-win.

Or a disagreement may focus on medical care. One side says, “I want to choose my own doctor and insurance plan.” The other side says, “I have diabetes (or asthma or heart trouble) and my insurer won’t cover it.” Or “My boss doesn’t provide insurance and I can’t afford it.” So the issues are freedom of choice and affordability. Are both possible? Again, a wider range of potential agreement comes into view.

When my neighbor says something that pushes all my buttons, I hope I can (lovingly) ask, “Are you saying …” and reframe the feeling (probably fear or anxiety) I’m hearing. “Let me see if I understand what worries you.” 

Then I may truthfully say, “That worries me, too.” Listening for the underlying concern can open the door to a fruitful discussion – or at least to a potential for more conversation and continuing friendship. 

The poet Rumi said, “There is a field beyond right-doing and wrongdoing. I will meet you there.” Looking past the “solution” to the underlying fear or need can help us find a meeting place.

Filed Under: Blog

A Circle of Trust: One Mediator’s Approach to Improving Race Relations

June 25, 2020 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

For two years I have been a member of a group of five (originally six) African-Americans and six Jews who have met monthly to listen, learn, and lean together toward social justice. That the white people are Jewish does not preclude any white persons from initiating and engaging in this kind of gathering.

Our process of give and take is partly modeled on circle practices*, which in their essence call on circle members to first build mutual understanding, trust, and acceptance before embarking on efforts, for example, to improve conditions for less fortunate neighbors or other common goals. In other words, it’s personal before becoming transactional.

Each meeting has a different facilitator (or in circle parlance a “keeper”) and theme. Our group has retained the same 11 members since it began.  Once formed, the group’s membership doesn’t grow or change. It retains the same members. Twelve is an optimum size. Meetings begin with a check-in in which members reflect on the past month, what’s gone well and what hasn’t. In this way and through stories we share, we have built a community in which we have developed a genuine affection for each other.

During check-in we talk about our losses, e.g., a death in a family, and our gains.  We find ways to support each other whether in sadness or joy.  Throughout, we’ve been open to sharing our fears and our dreams. We can disagree (often), but still maintain our trust and affection for each other.

Mind you, it takes time and energy to build such a group. Finding individuals willing to be vulnerable, commit to meeting for two hours monthly, and stick with the group for an extended period is challenging.

We call our group “Cross River Dialogue.” The river is the Anacostia which flows through Washington, DC, and is more than a geographic reality. The east side is mostly African-American, poor, often overwhelmed with street violence, and other chronic urban ills, due largely to systemic and institutional racism. The west is the Washington tourists see when visiting here.

For me the learning can come as a jolt, like when one member exclaimed she’d like to be white for one day just to have that experience, or when another said he hadn’t planned for retirement because he never thought he’d live long enough to enjoy it.

I admit this is a micro step. But it has brought us close and united us in ways we never anticipated. You can find us attending each other’s events, testifying before the DC Council on behalf of each other’s causes, and volunteering in ways we never imagined.

We are truly a circle of trust. 

*The Little Book of Circle Practices, Kay Pranis. Simon and Schuster Digital Sales. 2015

Filed Under: Blog

Is Your Digital Legacy Up for Grabs?

April 29, 2020 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

Ten years ago, I’d never have thought about writing about digital legacy planning. But when I think about my digital assets (photos, documents, music, blogs, business records, etc.) and my digital accounts (emails, bank accounts, subscriptions, etc.), I know I’ll want to provide for someone to handle them (1) in case I lack capacity to manage them, or (2) after I die.

Think about it: the larger my “digital footprint,” the larger my “digital legacy.” While I am only on Facebook and LinkedIn, I imagine many readers are also on Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, as well as dating, job search, and affinity websites. What happens to these accounts after one dies?  

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

An 80-year-old’s Day in the Age of COVID-19

March 18, 2020 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, and this has been my day so far in The Age of Coronavirus.

7:00 A.M. Wake up, turn on CNN. Nothing but progress of COVID-19. Spreading exponentially. Testing now is actually occurring (after weeks of false reports). But not in Maryland where I live. We’ve received the testing kits and have a drive-thru site ready, but apparently there’s a snafu in the labs that read the tests. 

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

But What About the Solo Agers?

March 8, 2020 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

After presenting a webinar on our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Family As Your Parents Age, I realized that little of what I discussed about having “The Conversation,” or transparency, or naming a healthcare proxy applies to persons with no family connections.

What recourse has an older adult with no one to serve as her power of attorney or executor of his will or someone to call in case of illness or medical emergency?  Whom do these people (often referred to as “solo agers” or worse, “elder orphans”) rely on for these and countless other supports?

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

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