Most of the time when I am confronted by another person’s emotions, I mirror back their behavior. If someone’s angry with me, I tend to respond in kind. If someone’s pleasant, I’ll react similarly. If we find ourselves in a frightening situation, we often become scared. And so on. This is called ‘complementary behavior.’ Another name is ‘feedback loop.’
But what if we ‘flip the script?’ What happens when we confront anger with empathy or kindness? A 2016 NPR episode of Invisibilia recounted how a group of friends who were dining together were suddenly confronted by someone threatening to rob them at gunpoint. One of the group invited the would-be thief to join them with a glass of wine. In time the thief put away his gun, asked for a group hug, apologized, and departed without incident.
Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.
When my father was 93, riddled with cancer, chronically nauseated, and living on opioids he suffered a major heart attack. In the hospital, doctors determined his death was imminent but didn’t tell him. Dad denied his condition was serious. He was furious to be given a room on the heart ward instead of the ICU.
