It’s ironic that my last, yes last, blog for Tough Conversations should be about my becoming a caregiver. Writing about it, including ‘remote’ caregiving, is easy. It’s way different when you’re caregiving up close and personal.
Short story: In February my wife fell and broke her femur…in two places. Two days after a surgeon put it back together with a steel rod, she was about to begin physical therapy. Then she had a stroke. Her third. After a week lying on her back in the stroke unit, the hospital (thankfully) moved her to its Acute Rehabilitation Unit where she received intensive therapy and learned how to walk again. Not too strongly, but enough to be discharged safely.
What the hospital couldn’t treat was her 24/7 dizziness. She had had dizziness from an earlier stroke, but this time it really whacked her.
She’s been home about two months and is receiving vestibular therapy which (we hope) will diminish, if not eliminate, her dizziness. For those of you who live with this condition, you know that it impacts everything you do. And it saps one’s energy.
I have to admit that my wife’s condition is not half as serious as most persons who need family care giving. She’s can manage her ADLs.* We go for walks and share some household chores. But like others who need support, she can’t be left alone…for now.
I am not complaining. I am thankful she’s getting stronger. We have a network of willing friends, ready to help out, visit, and run errands. We’re members of a Village (For those of you who don’t know about Villages check www.vtvnetwork.org.). But I want to share some of the lessons most other caregivers already know:
1. Attitude is all. It’s easy to understand why some caregivers become bitter. There’s little time for oneself. But maintaining a positive attitude can sweeten the sourest of moments.
2. Know how and when to advocate. Google all those medical terms the professionals throw at you. Study up on your loved one’s medications, especially if they have adverse effects (most do). Go to doctor’s appointments armed every question you can conjure.
3. Accept help. At first I thought I could do it all. A few days later that illusion disappeared.
4. And ask for help. This is not the time for Stoic self-reliance. If you have sources of support, enlist them.
No doubt you out there who care give can think of oodles of others. This is just for starters.
I’ve enjoyed our correspondence over the past ten years. Thank you for reading our blogs and for sharing your thoughts.
Sig
*ADL = Activities of Daily Living
Sig–I have valued so highly our time mediating together, and your caring and intelligent taking of responsibility above and beyond that required. I will miss you and wish you all the best. Your wife is so fortunate to have you on her side.
I am sorry for your problems and I hope your wife keeps progressing
Thanks, Lois. I appreciate your thoughtful comment.
Sig
Wow!! Thoughts, payers, love and affection are heading to both of you and your loved ones. You have always provided a superb service and I have learned so much from you. Glad to see that the blog continues, if I can help, do let me know. Love the positive attitudes. Best to you both. Jane
Sig, you are awesome! I’ve known that since we first met at Friendship Place. Your wife is very fortunate. I don’t know where you are but would like to help out with anything you need. I’m in Chevy Chase, near Brookville Market. Member of Chevy Chase @ Home, our village. 301.657.3222. At the very lease, a respite visit so you can do whatever it is you want to do. Don’t hesitate to call.
Carolyn, you and Jerry had dinner at our house with Bill and Paula Burke. It has been years but I’ve loved keeping tabs on your doings through this newsletter. I wish you continued joy and success and would love to be kept on the list. Thanks bunches.
Dear Mary,
How great to hear from you. Yes, I, too, remember our days at Friendship Place. We live on Capitol Hill. I appreciate your thoughtful offer. Visits are welcome.
With appreciation,\
Sig
In my thoughts and prayers, Sig!
Thank you, Steve.
Grateful for both of you – your care and experience and wisdom. Terry Flood
Thanks, Terry!
Sad & Happy.
Sad to hear of Sig’s life problems and cares.
Happy that Carolyn is keeping the blog going.
It has been helpful from time to time.
Wife Lynn is a retired Social Worker and business analyst and daughter,Kasey, teaches SpecialEducation and both have used your articles and comments in their work.
I have used it in my day to day living.
Carolyn, hope you are doing well and when you eat at Carols Creek think of us as we have eaten their several times over the years.
With Love,
“ Cousin Roy”
334-207-4146
Auburn,Al.
Thanks, Cuz. Hope to see you all in Annapolis. We can walk to Carols Creek!
Dear Sig & Carolyn-
Thank you for all your advice & writings. You bring a special compassion to all of us.
Take good care-
Your fan,
Karen Allyn
Karen,
Great to hear from you and much appreciation for your thoughtful comment.
Sig
This message is for Sig…I can relate somewhat as I had my 2nd stroke last August 12th and fortunately I got to the hospital in under 2 hours and got what they called a “clot buster” I V that minimizes the efffects of the stroke…..rehab facility for 2 weeks, then home therapies, I consider myself lucky and have had minimum problems ..
I hope you and your wife can enjoy your time together inspire of the issues.. Eddy Rose
Hello Sig, Thank you for sharing your care giving thoughts and helps. Husband Jim has had me as his caregiver and a few days a week we have a caregiver from 8am-!pm. A year of learning is only a beginning! The months of covid has made the effort on all fronts a lesson of their own and surely I am grateful to have us here in our own home. When a group of 1955ers got together to plan a reunion in 2020 I became a telephone friend of Doris Hamilton. Her husband Bob Hamilton left WHHS at the end of our Junior year because his Dad was transferred. Bob died in a nursing home….sadly at home was not an option. Doris could write a book about her experience….keep on keeping on Sig and find some in house help. Summer is a good time to look around your neighborhood for another pair of eyes and hands. ahl
Dear Alice,
So good to hear from you. Sorry to learn of Jim’s situation. Thanks for updating us on all that’s happened to WHHS ’55 classmates.
With much appreciation.
Sig
Hi Sig, I was just reading your post and had no idea of all Susan and you have been through. Susan is a wonderful woman and you you are so wonderful as well. I have always admired your loving relationship. I would be happy to offer to help if there, but have moved to Florida. So I am sending loving thoughts to you both, and wish you both all the best for Susan’s recovery and your future together. Love to you both, Sandy
Sandy,
What a great surprise hearing from you. When did you move to FL? Hope you’re doing well.
Susan joins me in sending fond regards,
Sig
Hi Sig, you are still an inspiration to me. Here’s hoping that your wife makes steady progress through rehab and your personal encouragement, so that you both can resume “normal” living, whatever “normal” is these days post-Covid and mid-80s life.
I thought of you in August 2019 when my husband Mike and I made our last trip to Edinburgh. You inspired our love of that city.
Good luck as a caregiver; your wife is lucky to have you still by her side.
Dear Louisa,
Wonderful to hear from you. Still remember our times at WHHS.
Susan is progressing, thankfully.
Fond regards,
Sigq
Dear Carolyn & Sig:
Sig, I am sorry for your wife’s condition and absolutely like this blog’s lessons. Very valuable. Let’s think positive and wish for the best.
Carolyn, I so enjoy reading your material and I am glad you are going to keep up your good work. You have produced valuable articles that I have circulated to loved ones, clients and friends. Though you will be flying solo, I am so glad that you will continue.
My best to you both
Thank you, Adrian.
Adrian, thank you very much. I appeciate your friendship and comments.
Sig – I have so benefitted from your blog posts. There is a depth of wisdom that comes with experience, and it can be difficult to stop doing the work you love when faced with the demands and challenges of aging or of caring for family members. I know! My husband and I are facing some of these challenges!
Take good care of yourself and your wife. And thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us over the years.
Camille
Thanks so much, Camille, for your thoughts.
Salute, Sig & Carolyn, for having provided so much cool (instead of fuel) to so many would-be flames over so many years with so much grace!
Thanks, Bryan.
Hi, Sig
I’m sure with you combination of far-reaching book learning on aging and care-giving and the experience of you and Susan with care-receiving and care-giving you will have even more to teach the rest of us. My best wishes to you and Susan in coping with these challenges.
Mary
Dear Mary,
Thanks for your kind words. Susan is gaining strength and will (I hope) be fully active again.
With much appreciation.
Sig
Dear Sig—
Please add me and Charlie as grateful visitors, helpers where we can, e.g. dinners, errands (no ironing—laugh, please). Susan changed my life with her healing words, hands, and wisdom. I miss her dearly and want to be with her again..
On December 30, 2020, we lost our beloved travel companion, Charlie’s stepfather, at 91. Norman discovered France and England with us and Charlie’s mother. After her death, we introduced him to Spain and Italy. He rewarded us and so many others with watercolors he created of our adventures. They fill our walls and hearts.
After a joyful July 4th with him at his Front Royal home, Norman was found July 18, in his car, dehydrated and delusional, by a dear neighbor walking her dog late that night. Carol saved his life. But his final six months were rough—delusional and intermittently lucid, awake most nights, he just wanted to go to his volunteer job in the local hospital he cherished but the pandemic prevented.
We cared for him, with Charlie’s sister, in his home until his death in Winchester at a hospice providing ‘respite care’ for caregivers. The book you and Carolyn wrote, “Love’s Way”—I cannot imagine a more beautiful title—we recommend to our friends.
Our love to you and Susan and a special thanks to you, Sid, for bringing us your news and wisdom in your writings over these years.
Louise
Louise Walsh 202-547-0003; (cell) 202-549-0701