Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

202-359-6141

  • Home
  • Resources
    • FAQ
    • Elder Mediation Defined
    • The Uses of Elder Mediation
    • News Articles of Interest
  • News & Events
  • Services
  • Blog
  • Love’s Way
  • About Us
  • Testimonials

Sibling Rivalry: A Coat of Many Colors

February 16, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net, discusses sibling rivalry. {3:45 minutes to read} “I’m a walking work of art!” Joseph sings as he twirls in his lovely coat, delighted with his gift from Jacob, his Dad.

Last weekend my husband and I took our granddaughter to see Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,” a lighthearted retelling of a serious Biblical story. Joseph is Jacob’s favorite son. Joseph’s bragging and sense of entitlement made his 11 brothers hate him. They sold him into slavery and claimed a wild animal devoured him.

I asked our granddaughter, Ellie, “Do you think the brothers are bad?”

“Yes,” she said. “But Joseph shouldn’t have bragged.” Then she added, “It’s the father’s fault.”

In our adult family mediations, we see plenty of sibling resentment:

“You forged Dad’s name on the title!”

“We know Mom had a will and you destroyed it.”

“You spent Mom’s money on yourself.”

“You turned Mom against me.”

Sometimes these accusations are true, often not. But almost always a parent’s favoritism is the root. Oddly, disfavored children seldom blame their parents. They want to believe their parents loved them. They can’t bear to wonder, Did I deserve this? So they blame the ‘favored’ one.

So the question is: When there’s a favorite, who’s to blame?

  • Jacob loved Joseph best because his mother was Rachel, Jacob’s favorite wife.  After years of infertility during which she and Jacob yearned for a child, she bore Joseph. She died giving birth to their second son, Benjamin. While Joseph’s birth was celebrated, Benjamin’s was grieved. Jacob apparently took his other sons for granted. This was not Joseph’s fault.
  • Two of Jacob’s older sons had murdered members of a local tribe in revenge for one man’s raping of their sister. All the older brothers shared the spoils, including wives and children taken captive. The remaining locals wanted blood, and Jacob and family had to flee (Gen. 45). Sometimes a child’s difficult behavior or unwise personal choices lies behind their parent’s disfavor.
  • We often see parents, for their own convenience, who give a younger child living nearby a power of attorney. The child may not seek it and may even consider it a burden.
  • Joseph was the next to youngest son. Older children are often viewed as able to take care of themselves while younger ones are babied, and bullied. Birth order was not Joseph’s fault.
  • At age 17, Joseph was too naïve to know how to neutralize his other brothers’ jealousy.

Our Ellie had it right: The brothers should have been accountable for their actions. Joseph should not have flaunted his favored status. Jacob should have realized his actions were hurting all his children.

The good news: Each player in the cycle – all alone – has the power to change it. It begins with awareness and apology. When one sees the dynamic and changes his/her own behavior, the cycle can end.

Carolyn April 2010 Carolyn Parr

Beyond Dispute Associates

202-359-6141

www.toughconversations.net

carolynparr@toughconversations.net

 

© Carolyn Parr and Beyond Dispute Associates, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to  Carolyn Parr and Beyond Dispute Associates with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Filed Under: Blog, Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: Carolyn Parr, communication, Family, Favoritism, Jealousy, sibling relations, tough conversations

Comments

  1. Marti Bailey says

    February 18, 2015 at 5:30 am

    You hit the nail on the head. Well said. Thank you for posting.

    Reply
    • Carolyn Parr says

      February 28, 2015 at 5:24 am

      Thanks, Marti. Good to hear from you.

      Reply
  2. Betsy e. says

    February 27, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    what could be done earlier in such relationships to derail such favoritism earlier?
    Just thinking. As a child, I would not have had the gumption or words to speak to my parents.
    Is there a way to learn effective skills earlier?
    I really started learning such in graduate school, useful for later, not earlier.
    thanks

    Reply
    • Carolyn Parr says

      February 28, 2015 at 5:27 am

      Hi Betsy,

      What a great question! Many schools, as early as kindergarten, are beginning to teach conflict resolution. But I haven’t really thought of focusing on talking to parents about one’s feelings as a young child. The power imbalance is so great! You’ve opened up a terrific line of thought.

      Reply

Leave a Comment Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to receive our Monthly Newsletter and receive a free copy of our 10 point Guide to Tough Conversations.


Sign Up

Read stories, tips, and facts
about some of life's tough
conversations »

Please call us for
more information:

202-359-6141

HOME | NEWS & EVENT | SERVICES | BLOG | ABOUT US | CONTACT US

©2011 Beyond Dispute Associates, Washington, D.C. Maryland, Virginia. All Rights Reserved.


Like us on
Facebook
Visit us on
Linkedin