Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Grandma’s Declaration of Freedom

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Grandma’s behavior may be her declaration of freedom. Listen up!  (Don’t know who said this – it just showed up in my email without attribution. But too good not to share.)

“As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).”

YOU GO, GRANDMA!

Carolyn

Book Review: Life Gets Better: The Unexpected Pleasures of Growing Older*

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Occasionally a book appears that I believe you, dear reader, will benefit from, and even enjoy. Such is Life Gets Better by Wendy Lustbader, a social worker and educator. Ms. Lustbader showers us with countless stories of persons whose lives improved with age. I was astonished by her wealth of anecdotes, each calibrated to illustrate a chapter heading, be it loss, decision-making, or attitude.

Her narratives inspired me to take a more positive view of becoming older. Her admonition, “The shock of realizing we have gotten older often turns someday into now” is indeed sobering. I also found Life Gets Better liberating. Maybe it’s time to get off of committees, stop being beholden to timetables, and explore what really matters to me. Indeed, her cup-half-full (and immensely affirming) insights evoked in me an appreciation of aging as a process, not a finale.

While I felt energized by Life Gets Better, some of Lustbader’s aphorisms came up short for me. For example: “By the time we are elders we have the benefit of every crossroad we have already passed.” Perhaps. But what if those benefits don’t accrue for persons whose lives are filled with boredom and resignation rather than vitality and purpose. What if your spouse, friends, and contemporaries have all died, and your life is one of isolation. What if your assisted living residence or nursing home provides no intellectual stimulation, and you’re dependent on others for transportation, medication management, and other necessities.
I kept wishing the author had spelled out what we can do when life gets worse. When serenity, confidence, and wisdom are replaced by fear, loneliness, and loss of control over our lives. Maybe, that is another book.

Still, Wendy Lustbader revealed some valuable insights for me. She awoke in me (and probably in thousands of others) an appreciation of the gifts of elder-hood. I can better recognize when it’s time to shift gears and to value the opportunities that come with age as well as the costs. After each anecdote about someone re-claiming his or her life, I listened to my inner voice proclaim: “Go for it!”

Sig

*Published by Jeremy Tarcher/Penguin 2011