Apology

Lost in the Silence

December 1, 2015 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

As mediators we know there are two kinds of silence:

The first is tactical. During a mediation, we may remain silent while one party to a dispute wrestles with how to respond to a proposal, or maybe comes up with an alternative offer. This tactic can lead to a settlement. I don’t use it often, but when employed at the right time, it can move the process forward and eventually yield agreement.

The second can be tragic. This is the silence of unsaid words. The silence that comes when someone cannot bring him or herself to say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m to blame.” Or express a long submerged emotion that could shatter the silence and steer relations on a more positive course.
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How to Say I’m Sorry Without Words

May 27, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

How to Say I'm Sorry Without Words
I’ve written before about fake apologies that don’t cut it, such as “I’m sorry if anyone was offended…” when the perpetrator knows very well she did or said something offensive.

But there’s a flip side. Is it possible to apologize without saying, “I’m sorry?” I think it is. In fact, sometimes the most sincere apology comes without words but by making amends.

Say a neighbor backs into your car. She knocks on the door and says, “I just hit your car. I wasn’t paying attention. Of course I want to pay for the damage. I’m calling my insurance company right now.” That’s a perfectly good apology in my book. She’s taking responsibility and trying to make amends.

And the offense was unintentional.

When I was 6 years old my dad still smoked. One day he playfully swept me up into his arms, and my shoulder brushed the cigarette in his mouth. “Ouch!” I said. I’ll never forget the pain in Dad’s eyes as he kissed the burn to try to “make it well.” I had a true epiphany that I clearly remember. I thought, How strange. It hardly hurts at all when someone is sorry. Dad didn’t say he was sorry, but I knew he was in my deepest six-year-old self.
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Note To Chris Christie: Why Your Apology Failed

February 19, 2014 By Carolyn Parr 10 Comments

On January 9, 2014, Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey publicly apologized for a massive traffic nightmare that several of his political allies allegedly caused four months earlier. Why the delay?

From emails disclosed in January, we learned that in September 2013, these individuals plotted to close two of three lanes leading from Fort Lee, N.J. to the George Washington Bridge. The reason? Apparently, to punish the Democratic mayor of Fort Lee. Once the incident began to garner news headlines, dubbed as the “Bridgegate Scandal,” Gov. Christie claimed he knew nothing of the traffic tie-up until he learned it from the media. [Read more…]

THE DANCE BETWEEN APOLOGY AND FORGIVENESS

October 3, 2011 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

How many times have you thought, “I could forgive him if he would only apologize.” Or asked yourself, “How can I let it go when she has never shown any remorse?

Clearly, there’s a relationship between apology and forgiveness. A sincere apology makes it easier to forgive. (Don’t even try if you don’t mean it. That makes things worse.)

Conversely, a “demand” for apology makes it almost impossible for the offender to apologize, even when they want to. A close relative once told me, years after the event, “I wanted to apologize but I couldn’t, because you were so angry.” I was shocked to realize that my own anger had been the barrier to receiving what I most deeply wanted – a sincere acknowledgement of the hurt her behavior had caused me.

I was on the other end not long ago. I was 15 minutes late for a court appearance, and rehearsed all the way into the courtroom the mea culpa I would offer. But before I could open my mouth, the judge started to lecture me, with pointed finger, about how irresponsible I was. I stood there mute and took it, but I did not apologize. I felt humiliated, and clung to my last shred of dignity by my silence. I really was sorry, but I was not going to grovel.

What should I have done? I wish I could have remembered that a demand for an apology is really a disguised plea. The person is saying, “Please help me forgive you. Make it easier.” I should have just said, “I’m sorry I was late, Your Honor, and I’ll try not to do it again.”
But going back to the beginning. What if you’re on the other side of the dance? You’re wanting to forgive someone who shows no sign of remorse. Your anger is eating you up, and you know you need to move on. What then?

I’ve found it easier if I can do my own “searching moral inventory” (as AA says) and ask myself how I may have contributed to the rupture. Very few breakdowns in relationships are all completely one-sided. If I can find anything for which to apologize, the conversation can move forward.

Examples: Did I make a negative assumption instead of asking a question? Was I too defensive? Did I misinterpret something the other said or did? Was I supersensitive? Did I fail to recognize and clear up a faulty assumption the other may have made about my words or behavior? Did I expect too much? Did I miss the other person’s fear or pain?

If you can even start with something as simple as, “I’m really sorry that our relationship seems to have hit a bumpy patch, and I’d like to make it right” this will carry you a long way in a positive direction.

The Bible offers this advice: “If your friend has anything against you, leave your sacrifice on the altar and go make it right with your friend.” And “If anyone has offended you, go to him/her privately and try to make it right.” I take this to mean that, whether I’m in the right or in the wrong, I should be willing to take the lead in the dance toward reconciliation.

Carolyn

THE POWER OF APOLOGY

December 9, 2010 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Two of the most powerful words in any language are, “I’m sorry.” Why are they so hard to say?
In our personal lives – especially within our families — we’ve all done things that wounded someone else. Afterward, we felt bad about it. Yet when confronted, our first reaction may have been denial (“I didn’t say/do that”), minimizing (“That’s nothing to get upset about”), blaming (“Well, you shouldn’t have told me if you wanted to keep it a secret”), or withdrawing physically or emotionally. Or we may simply try to pretend that nothing ever happened. All of these responses further strain a relationship.
Why can’t we just say, “I’m sorry”?
Maybe we’re embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid. Maybe pride says, “You have to be right.” We’re afraid of looking weak or vulnerable. An apology puts us in a “one down” position with the other, and that’s hard for some of us to take.
If pressed, we may do the pseudo-apology shuffle. (“If anyone misunderstood what I said and was offended, I’m sorry.”) This is a favorite of politicians and celebrities caught in compromising situations. I did nothing wrong, and you’re either oversensitive or stupid. A shorter version is, “I’m sorry you were upset.”
Here’s what a good, healing, sincere apology does: takes responsibility for specific behavior, acknowledges the harm it caused, expresses regret, and where possible offers to make amends. (“I’m really sorry I didn’t send money to help with Mom’s expenses like I’d promised. You were stuck with the whole bill for the home health aide, and that must have put you under a lot of pressure. I’ll pay you back, and it won’t happen again.”)
Next time you mess up, take a deep breath and try the magic of those two little words, “I’m sorry.”

Carolyn