Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

The Legacy Effect

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When I got my first job, my training officer told me that the only thing that mattered for me personally was my name. How could that be? I thought I was something special with my college degrees and other qualifications. But he was right. What primarily mattered as far as assignments and advancement were concerned was my name, that is, how I was perceived.

The sight or sound of our name inevitably evokes a memory or a host of memories about us. And those memories in most people’s minds constitute our legacy. Wherever our feet have trod, our voices heard, and our actions felt, we have left behind a fragment of our legacy.

It seems the older I get, the more conscious I become about my legacy, i.e., how I will be remembered. Not just after I die, but now as well.

Another thought that occupies my mind is why did I wait until recently to become conscious of how I am and how I will be remembered? Shouldn’t I have considered this earlier in my life?

Finally, I wonder what the world would be like if all of us held that one thought – How will I be remembered? – in our consciousness day in and day out? What if we became “legacy- conscious”? What difference would it make in our behavior, in how we relate to others, in our decisions, and the actions we take?

As a family mediator this is especially important when it comes to family quarrels and disputes. When differences arise, when people are hurt, when a rupture occurs, what will be the legacy effect on our children, or our parents, or other family members?

Indeed, how will our lives be different if we factor in the legacy effect the next time we have a disagreement, or an opportunity to make a constructive difference? Is merely the awareness of our power to affect how we’ll be remembered enough to make us act differently and more positively toward each other?

Your thoughts?

Sig Cohen

Again, I want to acknowledge the author David Solie for his commentary on legacy in “How to Say It To Seniors”, especially Chapter Ten “Discovering Organic Legacy.”

How Do We Want to be Remembered?

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Last week my friend Sam and I discussed what we want to bequeath our children when we pass on.

Sam told me his wife has a beautiful antique jewelry collection that she plans to sell instead of leaving it to their children. Why do that, I asked. He replied that his wife doesn’t think their children have any interest in her jewelry. Anticipating that they would either sell the jewelry or give it away, she wants to cash it in and leave their kids the money, which is something she knows they can use.

I suggested she look at the issue differently: Instead of thinking of her jewelry in monetary terms, view it as something by which their children will remember her. Why not let each of them select one or two of her favorite pieces as a remembrance of her? How better to remember a loved one than by possessing something that that individual truly valued?

It boils down to this: how do we want to be remembered? In his book How to Say it to Seniors, author David Solie talks about three kinds of legacy.

The first is the “default legacy.” This occurs when a survivor sorts through a deceased person’s personal effects and finds letters, photographs, diaries, or notes that may reveal secrets that the survivor never knew. Do we really want to be remembered ‘by default’? This process risks leaving an inaccurate portrait of our lives.

A second is the “political legacy,” which Solie describes as doing the right thing, or doing what is expected. Dad leaves his car to his son, and Mom her household effects to her daughter. This can be a mechanical process which doesn’t do justice to the relationships, challenges, and accomplishments of a recently deceased loved one.

Finally, Solie discusses the “organic legacy” – a bequest that “comes from the heart” and may challenge us to undertake an in depth review of our life. It could be an item with significant intrinsic worth or an act of courage, a decision to repair a damaged relationship, or an expression of loyalty and faith. Ultimately, it results in our being remembered for what we value most.

Sig

Money Talks

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TALKING ABOUT MONEY

Money.   We agonize over how to stretch it, invest it, spend it, or give it away.  And the older we get, the more we hate to talk about it.  Especially with our adult kids.

Seniors with little money don’t want to burden their children.  Members of the WWII generation — who value their self-sufficiency and independence — may especially resist these conversations.  In these “traditional” families dad was the breadwinner, and mom raised the children.  Once they were their children’s safety net.  This role reversal hurts.  They may feel ashamed and disappointed to ask for help.

Middle-class elders – good pensions, some investments, and long-term care insurance – may fret about how to bequeath their money.  The questions for them: “What do our kids expect?” and “What’s fair?”  These decisions can be equally tough. 

Take a couple with three adult children: One is a successful engineer happily married to a lawyer with a big firm, two kids, and plenty of money.  Another is a struggling actor.  (The parents are paying his rent while he tries to get the ‘big break.’)  The third is a divorced daughter with two children, a decent job, but living on the edge.  They just paid her car repair bill so she could get to work. 

What’s fair?  Should parents give by need or in equal amounts?  If by need, will the child who receives less feel less loved and valued?  Is a will the place to reward a child who has been especially attentive to an aging parent?  Or to express disapproval of one who made choices the parent didn’t like? 

Wealthy families may have other issues: If they make generous gifts to their university or other charities, will the children be shocked?  Resentful?  Who should be named as Executor?  Or as trustee of a trust?  How strict or lenient should be the provisions of a trust? These questions become more crucial if the children are not friendly to each other.  A will challenge can swallow the assets so fast that there’s nothing left  but a residue of bitterness.

David Solie’s advice (How to Say it to Seniors):  It’s easier to find good answers if we stop thinking of money as a “thing” to be accumulated and divided, and start seeing it as a means to express our values and the meaning of our lives. 

The important thing for parents is to swallow your fear or pride and tell your kids (individually or all together) what you’re thinking.  Answer their questions.  Ask what they think is fair, and seriously consider their answers.  Let them know you love them. 

We welcome your views on this very sensitive topic!

Carolyn