Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

You went to…a “Death Cafe”?

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Yep. Talking about death and dying can be a tough conversation. I recently visited a “Death Cafe” where a discussion about death and dying was frank and open.

But “fascinating” best describes the candor and compassion of the two-hour conversation.

The idea of a death café has intrigued me since learning about it a year ago. As an elder mediator helping families resolve disputes concerning an older parent or relative, I wanted to see how willing people are to talk about this often closeted topic. I was pleasantly surprised. The nine of us talked about dying and death, both personally and objectively.

Begun in England several years ago, death cafes are informal gatherings of individuals who talk about death and dying from all vantages. A hospice worker organized the first U.S. death café. Surprised by how willing people were to discuss death when they heard about her profession, she decided to organize one. “People,” she explained, “have a need to talk about death.”

The facilitators stressed that people’s remarks should remain confidential, and that the café is a safe space to talk openly and candidly.

We first explained why we were attending and then asked to complete the sentence: “Death is ___________.” The one-word replies included “transition,” “ painful,” “ peaceful,” “ necessary,” and so on. Next, we focused on “contradictions in our thoughts about death.” While I couldn’t think of any, someone suggested that suicide has its contradictions. While a person committing suicide may think he or she is ending their physical or emotional pain, they rarely consider the pain their suicide will inflict on others.

Another topic explored what we want to do before our death. Answers broke into two categories: one on travel; the other on accomplishing something, whether it is gaining inner peace, fulfilling a life mission, or seeing one’s children succeed.

Throughout I observed a sense of “permission giving.” Once one person shared her feelings about, say, the death of a loved one, others felt free to jump in. Conversations ranged from the intimate to the humorous, from the loss of a child to contending with different ways of planning a funeral.

The café ended with a feeling of commonality: we saw that we could share with strangers some of our deepest concerns about death and dying; and we garnered new perspectives on a topic that most of us had seldom or even refused to discuss.

Sig

Ever Heard of “Death Cafes”?

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Recently the Associated Press carried a news item about “Death Cafes.” They involve meeting up with a group of people you have never encountered before and talking about death. Not an easy conversation, to be sure.

Still, advances in medicine, the aging of our population, and increased longevity are conspiring to force us to be more realistic about the choices we make as we get closer to death’s door.

Take a look at the following article and then let us know your reactions.

http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_289563/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=PHH2FGnR.

Many thanks.

Carolyn and Sig

Let’s De-Mystify the ‘D’ word

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The ways to talk about death and dying are manifold. One recent example was a public comment by Japan’s Finance Minister urging older Japanese citizens “to hurry up and die.” Concerned about escalating medical costs for Japan’s burgeoning senior population, he issued this less than appropriate remark last month.

We recently learned of another way to engage in a discussion around the topic of death: start a “death cafe.” Conceived by a Swiss sociologist, the idea has spread to the U.K., France, and most recently Columbus, Ohio. A death café, we are assured, provides a respectful and confidential setting for persons to share their thoughts about the kind of death they envision for themselves.

While Carolyn and I practically gagged when we first read the term ‘death cafe,’ we feel the concept is worth examining. For too long the topic of death has been among the ‘forbidden fruit’ of polite conversation. The idea of a formal setting in which to discuss death (whether it’s called a death café or something less blunt) brings the subject of death out of the closet.

Think about it:
Why not ask a loved one who may be dying what kind of funeral he or she would like to have?

Why not ask ourselves the same question?

Do we want to die in a hospital or at home or somewhere else?

In sum, wouldn’t we be better off if we could openly discuss the kind of death we envision for ourselves?

I suggest we all try it if only once. Consider discussing with a relative or friend the kind of funeral they or you would like. Share with them how you hope to spend your final days.

It’s time we unearthed the tough conversation around death and what we’d like to happen when our ‘time’ rolls around.

Sig