Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

HOW TO ESCAPE THE COILS OF YOUR SNAKE BRAIN

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My friend Lauren is learning to be a hypnotist. Not to do parlor tricks but to help people: manage pain, quit smoking, live with less stress and more peace.

She taught my mission group a simple and versatile exercise to use whenever we feel scared, dissed, or seriously angry. Your defensive reptilian brain is jerked into high gear, and you want to fight or run away (or hang up or slam the door).

Here’s what to do instead. Pause, take a deep breath. Breathe in whatever you most need at that moment: calm or peace or strength or patience. Or light. Or compassion.

Breathe out everything you can’t control. One breath at a time. Breathe out the other person’s anger, lies, prejudice, disrespect, ignorance … whatever has triggered your defenses. Name silently what you can’t control and let it go, one breath at a time.

As you let go of your need for ego safety, acceptance, or control you’ll feel yourself growing calmer. Your ability to think instantly improves. A flow of energy – and maybe insight – helps you take the next right step.

So . . . At the next family gathering, when your drunken brother-in-law proclaims your favorite politician (and his supporters, which includes you) to be a fraud, a traitor, a fool. . . pause, breathe in compassion for your sister, breathe out your brother-in-law’s craziness, and say with a sweet smile, “Please pass the pumpkin pie.”

Happy Gatherings!
Carolyn

Give ‘Em An EAR

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Last July I attended a meeting of family mediators in Minneapolis. The presentations were uniformly excellent. One that left a big impression on me dealt with ‘high conflict people’ (HCPs for short). You surely have come in contact with them. According to the presenter and author of several works on the topic, Bill Eddy, these are “highly defensive persons who are preoccupied with blaming others and desperate to receive validation for themselves.”

Almost every family has at least one.

Bill Eddy has written extensively about them. I just completed his High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, which is an excellent guide for my work as a mediator. (The book is written for anyone who has to cope with these personalities.) Out of Bill’s work as a social worker, attorney, and mediator, he has come up with several approaches to handling HCPs, whether in a negotiation, at the workplace, or when addressing family matters. He writes that it’s crucial to defuse their defensiveness in order to make progress.
One way to do this is to emphasize E.A.R.

Let’s break this down:
E stands for Empathy. When an HCP gets upset, instead of getting angry with them or criticizing their behavior, acknowledge that you know they’re upset. Tell him or her that you empathize with how difficult the situation is for them and that you understand their frustration.

A is for Attention. Here’s it’s important to let them know that you are paying attention to what they’re saying and their concerns about an issue.

And R is Respect. Make sure they understand that you respect their commitment to solving the problem.

Remember, applying E.A.R. doesn’t mean you agree with them, or believe what they’re saying, or have to listen to them forever.
It only means that you are prepared to hear them and work with them toward resolving the issue.

Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and author of “It’s all YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People who Blame Others for Everything.” You can learn more about HCP by visiting www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Sig Cohen