Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

202-359-6141

  • Home
  • Resources
    • FAQ
    • Elder Mediation Defined
    • The Uses of Elder Mediation
    • News Articles of Interest
  • News & Events
  • Services
  • Blog
  • Love’s Way
  • About Us
  • Testimonials

How Do We Want to be Remembered?

December 26, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Last week my friend Sam and I discussed what we want to bequeath our children when we pass on.

Sam told me his wife has a beautiful antique jewelry collection that she plans to sell instead of leaving it to their children. Why do that, I asked. He replied that his wife doesn’t think their children have any interest in her jewelry. Anticipating that they would either sell the jewelry or give it away, she wants to cash it in and leave their kids the money, which is something she knows they can use.

I suggested she look at the issue differently: Instead of thinking of her jewelry in monetary terms, view it as something by which their children will remember her. Why not let each of them select one or two of her favorite pieces as a remembrance of her? How better to remember a loved one than by possessing something that that individual truly valued?

It boils down to this: how do we want to be remembered? In his book How to Say it to Seniors, author David Solie talks about three kinds of legacy.

The first is the “default legacy.” This occurs when a survivor sorts through a deceased person’s personal effects and finds letters, photographs, diaries, or notes that may reveal secrets that the survivor never knew. Do we really want to be remembered ‘by default’? This process risks leaving an inaccurate portrait of our lives.

A second is the “political legacy,” which Solie describes as doing the right thing, or doing what is expected. Dad leaves his car to his son, and Mom her household effects to her daughter. This can be a mechanical process which doesn’t do justice to the relationships, challenges, and accomplishments of a recently deceased loved one.

Finally, Solie discusses the “organic legacy” – a bequest that “comes from the heart” and may challenge us to undertake an in depth review of our life. It could be an item with significant intrinsic worth or an act of courage, a decision to repair a damaged relationship, or an expression of loyalty and faith. Ultimately, it results in our being remembered for what we value most.

Sig

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: being remembered, bequests, David Solie, legacies, what to do with your stuff, wills

The Good Lord Will Provide

May 30, 2011 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

When I mentioned to my friend Phyllis that my partner and I work with families who experience intergenerational issues around end of life, legacy and change of residence, she looked despairingly at me and said: “I don’t think you can help my family.”

She went on to tell me about her grandmother who at 86 lives alone on a small farm in South Carolina. Her grandmother refuses help of any kind from any of her family members. This ruggedly independent matriarch has lived alone for years. Despite a recent illness she won’t grant any of her adult children a health care or a financial power of attorney. Her will, if indeed she has one, remains a deep secret.

When I asked why, she replied that her grandmother believes that ”The Good Lord will provide.”
As admirable as her faith may be, it has become a source of frustration for other family members who fear what could happen if grandmother becomes helpless with no power of attorney, or dies with no will nor any other legal safeguards that can ensure that family members understand in advance her grandmother’s wishes. There’s also a need to reduce the chance of any misunderstandings among the siblings about who inherits what.

Phyllis said that her grandmother’s sister shared this philosophy. When she died, disputes arose among her children because there was no understanding of who was to receive what. Sadly the dispute became a court battle resulting in thousands of dollars in court costs and lawyers fees. Apparently Phyllis’ grandmother has chosen to ignore the painful and expensive outcome of relying only on the Good Lord.

Phyllis concluded her tale of woe by stating that nothing can change her grandmother’s attitude.
Have you experienced this with any of your family members? If you have and were able to encourage that family member to change his or her mind, write us. We can always learn from others’ experience.

Sig Cohen

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: End of Life Planning, inheritance, intestacy, legacies, Powers of Attorney, wills

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to receive our Monthly Newsletter and receive a free copy of our 10 point Guide to Tough Conversations.


Sign Up

Read stories, tips, and facts
about some of life's tough
conversations »

Please call us for
more information:

202-359-6141

HOME | NEWS & EVENT | SERVICES | BLOG | ABOUT US | CONTACT US

©2011 Beyond Dispute Associates, Washington, D.C. Maryland, Virginia. All Rights Reserved.


Like us on
Facebook
Visit us on
Linkedin