Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

What Makes a Conversation “Tough”?

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It takes guts to start – and sometimes to stick with – a tough conversation. We’re afraid of triggering anger or hurt. Or being misunderstood. But some conversations are necessary.

Let’s say I’m wondering whether Mom and Dad have a will. And who’s the Executor? And who is getting what? Here’s the parade of horribles that might be going through my head:

My parents might think I want them to hurry up and die.

They might think I’m greedy.

They might think I’m trying to curry favor over my sister to get more than she does.

They might think I’m trying to trying to control what they do with their own money, as if it’s already mine.

They might think it’s none of my business. And say so!

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Surmounting Tough Conversations After Incarceration

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For several years, our Tough Conversations blogs have mainly focused on families and aging. Sig’s current blog explores a different but equally challenging area of family interaction: namely, how families and returning citizens can prepare to reunite after the latter’s release from incarceration.

One of the toughest conversations I can think of is that of a returning citizen (ex-offender) with his or her family members prior to or after release from prison. After years of incarceration, how does an individual re-unite with his or her family?

Maintaining family contact while incarcerated is challenging. It’s said that when a person enters prison, the entire family (figuratively) accompanies him or her. Imagine a Dad not seeing his kids grow up for 15 years. Or a Mom, sentenced to 10 years behind bars and separated from her baby before its first birthday. This happens constantly.

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Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

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As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

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Picture this:

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

Lost in the Silence

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As mediators we know there are two kinds of silence:
Lost in Silence

The first is tactical.  During a mediation, we may remain silent while one party to a dispute wrestles with how to respond to a proposal, or maybe comes up with an alternative offer.  This tactic can lead to a settlement.  I don’t use it often, but when employed at the right time, it can move the process forward and eventually yield agreement.

The second can be tragic.  This is the silence of unsaid words.  The silence that comes when someone cannot bring him or herself to say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m to blame.” Or express a long submerged emotion that could shatter the silence and steer relations on a more positive course.
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Separating the Music from the Noise

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Imagine sitting in a noisy restaurant, barely able to discern beautiful music filtering through the din. Or imagine a Separating the Music from the Noise by Sig Cohenstrainer with a large mesh basket filled with stuff blocking it so that only the tiniest bit of liquid is allowed to drain out.

That’s what it’s like in some mediations I conduct. A lot of noise – noise that’s important to the persons explaining their interests and what they’d like to see come out of the process. But it’s noise just the same. Accompanying their words are the drama, the pitch of the contending voices, the marshaling of facts and assumptions — all aimed at influencing a favorable outcome.

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What Do Mediation and Palliative Care Have in Common?

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What Do Mediation and Palliative Care Have in Common? by Sig CohenThe more I learn about palliative care, the more I’m persuaded it’s a lot like mediation.

  • Palliative care allows terminally ill patients to spend their last months (or less) without intensive and often intrusive medical interventions.
  • Mediation enables parties to settle their dispute without interminable and costly trials.

Neither the mediator nor the palliative care physician is a “fixer.”

  • Decision-making is left to the individual – be she a terminally or seriously ill patient (or family members) or parties to a case. A terminally ill patient who opts for palliative care implicitly agrees to take responsibility for how they wish to spend their remaining days.
  • When parties mediate, they become the decision-makers in the case and take some responsibility for moving toward resolution.

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Transparency

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“What you see is what you get,” your daughter warned. You liked the transparency. Her boyfriend’s Transparency by Carolyn Parrtattoos and nose ring? Not so much. At least you knew what you were getting – sort of.

What’s really tough is when you think you’re getting Harvard Law and you get a secret drug addiction.

Some secrets start with the best intentions. Mom puts on a happy face until her hair falls out from the chemo – and the kids learn about the cancer for the first time. The youngest has to move back in to nurse Mom.

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Don’t Pull That Trigger (Word)!

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It’s all in the conversation. Conversations made up of words. Of expressions. Of emotions.

And even of silence: Nothingness, when words should be exchanged. Emotions revealed. Feelings shared.

Don't Pull That Trigger (Word)! by Sig Cohen

Every word carries messages. Every nuance conveys meanings. Words spoken while on “autopilot” may signal indifference on behalf of the speaker. Every tap on a cell phone while pretending to listen likely communicates disrespect. Words charged with emotion – double charged with facial and body language – accentuate the intent for better or for worse.

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A Checklist for Long-Distance Caregivers

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A few years ago I found myself flying to Florida a lot – but not for fun. I was the long-distance caregiver for two parents in their late 80s. Every few months I had to drop everything to fly south when a new emergency struck.

The worst was when Dad fell carrying an armload of lumber and had to be carried off in an ambulance. Until a sympathetic neighbor saw what was happening and helped out, Mama, with dementia, was alone, wondering what was happening. [Read more…]