tough conversations

Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

February 27, 2017 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

December 14, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Picture this:

An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

Lost in the Silence

December 1, 2015 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

As mediators we know there are two kinds of silence:

The first is tactical. During a mediation, we may remain silent while one party to a dispute wrestles with how to respond to a proposal, or maybe comes up with an alternative offer. This tactic can lead to a settlement. I don’t use it often, but when employed at the right time, it can move the process forward and eventually yield agreement.

The second can be tragic. This is the silence of unsaid words. The silence that comes when someone cannot bring him or herself to say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m to blame.” Or express a long submerged emotion that could shatter the silence and steer relations on a more positive course.
[Read more…]

Separating the Music from the Noise

August 13, 2015 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

Imagine sitting in a noisy restaurant, barely able to discern beautiful music filtering through the din. Or imagine a strainer with a large mesh basket filled with stuff blocking it so that only the tiniest bit of liquid is allowed to drain out.

That’s what it’s like in some mediations I conduct. A lot of noise – noise that’s important to the persons explaining their interests and what they’d like to see come out of the process. But it’s noise just the same. Accompanying their words are the drama, the pitch of the contending voices, the marshaling of facts and assumptions — all aimed at influencing a favorable outcome.

[Read more…]

What Do Mediation and Palliative Care Have in Common?

July 9, 2015 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

What Do Mediation and Palliative Care Have in Common? by Sig Cohen The more I learn about palliative care, the more I’m persuaded it’s a lot like mediation.

Palliative care allows terminally ill patients to spend their last months (or less) without intensive and often intrusive medical interventions.
Mediation enables parties to settle their dispute without interminable and costly trials.

Neither the mediator nor the palliative care physician is a “fixer.”

Decision-making is left to the individual – be she a terminally or seriously ill patient (or family members) or parties to a case. A terminally ill patient who opts for palliative care implicitly agrees to take responsibility for how they wish to spend their remaining days.
When parties mediate, they become the decision-makers in the case and take some responsibility for moving toward resolution.

[Read more…]

Transparency

June 24, 2015 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

“What you see is what you get,” your daughter warned. You liked the transparency. Her boyfriend’s tattoos and nose ring? Not so much. At least you knew what you were getting – sort of.

What’s really tough is when you think you’re getting Harvard Law and you get a secret drug addiction.

Some secrets start with the best intentions. Mom puts on a happy face until her hair falls out from the chemo – and the kids learn about the cancer for the first time. The youngest has to move back in to nurse Mom.

[Read more…]

Don’t Pull That Trigger (Word)!

June 9, 2015 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

It’s all in the conversation. Conversations made up of words. Of expressions. Of emotions.

And even of silence: Nothingness, when words should be exchanged. Emotions revealed. Feelings shared.

Every word carries messages. Every nuance conveys meanings. Words spoken while on “autopilot” may signal indifference on behalf of the speaker. Every tap on a cell phone while pretending to listen likely communicates disrespect. Words charged with emotion – double charged with facial and body language – accentuate the intent for better or for worse.

[Read more…]

A Checklist for Long-Distance Caregivers

April 21, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

A few years ago I found myself flying to Florida a lot – but not for fun. I was the long-distance caregiver for two parents in their late 80s. Every few months I had to drop everything to fly south when a new emergency struck.

The worst was when Dad fell carrying an armload of lumber and had to be carried off in an ambulance. Until a sympathetic neighbor saw what was happening and helped out, Mama, with dementia, was alone, wondering what was happening. [Read more…]

To open your eyes, change your shoes

February 28, 2015 By Sig Cohen 3 Comments

Many of the world’s top ‘movers and shakers’ gathered last January in Davos, Switzerland, at the annual World Economic Forum to renew connections, exchange ideas, and expand their understanding on critical global issues.

Conferees could also experience a mock version of poverty at the local level. The Crossroads Foundation of Hong Kong hosted for a second year “Struggle for Survival,” a live simulation that offered Davos participants an opportunity “to take a few steps in the shoes of those living on $2 per day, which is nearly one-half the world’s population.” [Read more…]