Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Resistant? Reluctant? or Ready?

By Leave a Comment

Carolyn and I are constantly looking for ways to help people prepare and engage in Tough Conversations. Recently I learned from an AARP publication [see below] that people’s responses to the need for a tough conversation usually fall into one of three categories: resistance, reluctance, or readiness. This applies to both older adults and adult children. Older adults often complain about their adult children’s refusal to discuss their health care proxy, plans to move to a senior’s community, or what they wish to bequeath their children. A member of either group may prefer to sail down De Nile.

If you are stonewalled on the first or second try, don’t be discouraged. Look for opportunities to re-engage, however difficult.  Be patient and tread carefully, understanding that it may take several tries before your conversation yields results.

Obviously being ready signals their willingness to resolve outstanding issues.

Some years ago Home Instead Senior Care surveyed 1,000 American adult children in a caretaking role to learn what barriers inhibited their engaging in a tough conversation with their parents. The most challenging hurdles to communication were:
• their being stuck in the old parent-child roles (31 per cent);
• their parents’ refusal to engage (16 per cent);
• lack of preparation on their part (10 per cent);
• distance (8 per cent); and
• fear (5 per cent).

Do you fall into one of these categories? If so, what has been your experience in attempting to overcome the barrier? How have you handled possible role-reversal situations? Has other hidden emotional baggage surfaced that inhibited dialogue?

Most importantly make the effort. Try not to let issues languish. Think about the consequences if you never tried and the issue remained forever unresolved.

Sig Cohen

Note: The AARP study is contained in Caring for Your Parents: The Complete Family Guide by Hugh Delehanty and Elinor Ginzler. (New York: Sterling, 2008). The study was cited in probably the best book I have yet read on aging: A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents – And Ourselves by Jane Gross. (New York: Alfred A Knopf, 2011). I cannot recommend her book highly enough.

How Do We Want to be Remembered?

By Leave a Comment

Last week my friend Sam and I discussed what we want to bequeath our children when we pass on.

Sam told me his wife has a beautiful antique jewelry collection that she plans to sell instead of leaving it to their children. Why do that, I asked. He replied that his wife doesn’t think their children have any interest in her jewelry. Anticipating that they would either sell the jewelry or give it away, she wants to cash it in and leave their kids the money, which is something she knows they can use.

I suggested she look at the issue differently: Instead of thinking of her jewelry in monetary terms, view it as something by which their children will remember her. Why not let each of them select one or two of her favorite pieces as a remembrance of her? How better to remember a loved one than by possessing something that that individual truly valued?

It boils down to this: how do we want to be remembered? In his book How to Say it to Seniors, author David Solie talks about three kinds of legacy.

The first is the “default legacy.” This occurs when a survivor sorts through a deceased person’s personal effects and finds letters, photographs, diaries, or notes that may reveal secrets that the survivor never knew. Do we really want to be remembered ‘by default’? This process risks leaving an inaccurate portrait of our lives.

A second is the “political legacy,” which Solie describes as doing the right thing, or doing what is expected. Dad leaves his car to his son, and Mom her household effects to her daughter. This can be a mechanical process which doesn’t do justice to the relationships, challenges, and accomplishments of a recently deceased loved one.

Finally, Solie discusses the “organic legacy” – a bequest that “comes from the heart” and may challenge us to undertake an in depth review of our life. It could be an item with significant intrinsic worth or an act of courage, a decision to repair a damaged relationship, or an expression of loyalty and faith. Ultimately, it results in our being remembered for what we value most.

Sig

The Good Lord Will Provide

By 2 Comments

When I mentioned to my friend Phyllis that my partner and I work with families who experience intergenerational issues around end of life, legacy and change of residence, she looked despairingly at me and said: “I don’t think you can help my family.”

She went on to tell me about her grandmother who at 86 lives alone on a small farm in South Carolina. Her grandmother refuses help of any kind from any of her family members. This ruggedly independent matriarch has lived alone for years. Despite a recent illness she won’t grant any of her adult children a health care or a financial power of attorney. Her will, if indeed she has one, remains a deep secret.

When I asked why, she replied that her grandmother believes that ”The Good Lord will provide.”
As admirable as her faith may be, it has become a source of frustration for other family members who fear what could happen if grandmother becomes helpless with no power of attorney, or dies with no will nor any other legal safeguards that can ensure that family members understand in advance her grandmother’s wishes. There’s also a need to reduce the chance of any misunderstandings among the siblings about who inherits what.

Phyllis said that her grandmother’s sister shared this philosophy. When she died, disputes arose among her children because there was no understanding of who was to receive what. Sadly the dispute became a court battle resulting in thousands of dollars in court costs and lawyers fees. Apparently Phyllis’ grandmother has chosen to ignore the painful and expensive outcome of relying only on the Good Lord.

Phyllis concluded her tale of woe by stating that nothing can change her grandmother’s attitude.
Have you experienced this with any of your family members? If you have and were able to encourage that family member to change his or her mind, write us. We can always learn from others’ experience.

Sig Cohen