Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, and this has been my day so far in The Age of Coronavirus.
7:00 A.M. Wake up, turn on CNN. Nothing but progress of COVID-19. Spreading exponentially. Testing now is actually occurring (after weeks of false reports). But not in Maryland where I live. We’ve received the testing kits and have a drive-thru site ready, but apparently there’s a snafu in the labs that read the tests.
[Read more…]I’ve given up resolving to lose ten pounds (now it should be fifteen) and exercise more. I still hope to do those things, but know I can’t count on enough self-discipline to accomplish either.
So this year I kept it simple. Two discrete goals, time-limited. And a continuation of my jagged trajectory in the bigger sphere of spiritual growth.
A beloved baby grand piano takes up a quarter of my living room but sits unplayed. I love music. I want to play it. But something else always seems more urgent. One day Jim asked, “Could you just practice thirty minutes a day?” So I made a resolution to do that. I didn’t tell him, but I just sat down and played (badly) on New Year’s Day.
[Read more…]When my husband Jim turned 82 recently (my age), one of our kids gave him a birthday card. It showed a back view of a naked white-haired guy running into the ocean. The word “Yippee!” in the shape of swim trunks was pasted across his buns. The card said, “Getting old is AWESOME!”
But inside it read “ … said no one ever. Anyway, Happy Birthday!”
Not LOL.
I for one do say old age is awesome! I’m not as spry as I used to be, but the freedom makes up for it. Here are some AWESOME things I couldn’t do when I was younger:
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Helicopter parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from every possible danger or scheduling every minute to insure a child succeeds
at whatever the parent holds dear, whether it’s sports or music or straight
A’s. Sometimes helicopter parents morph into “helicopter grownup children” as their own parents age. In their 50s or 60s, they may begin to parent their parents. What’s meant as caring can feel like control.
Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid
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Q: How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?
A: You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:
1. What’s my contribution?
[Read more…]Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.
A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.
In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth. Here are other reasons:
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In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new. Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.
Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.
Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?
This post was originally published under the title “Grandma’s Secrets: 5 Questions for Thoughtful Conversation” on Iona Senior Services’ website on October 9, 2018. Learn more about Iona at www.iona.org.
People in the last third of life have dynamic inner lives that their grownup children or grandchildren might never imagine. Next time you have an hour, here are some questions to ask your elder loved one. You may be amazed at the response.
1. How old do you feel in your spirit?
An elder’s inner age does not comport with chronology. Inside, I’m permanently about 34 years old. It’s how I feel as I go about doing life. That’s about the age of the female characters in my dreams. When I was that age, my children were young and law school was still on the horizon, but coming into view. Today, I’m a great-grandmother and a retired judge. But I’m still shocked every time I look in the mirror.
A man I’ll call George hired my friend, a social worker, to visit his “Uncle Milt.” George hoped my friend would persuade Milt, 96, to move from the home he loved on the East Coast to a nursing home in Nebraska near George. Uncle Milt, however, was firmly planted and said so loud and clear.
The social worker found Milt alert and engaging. She gave him a “mini-mental” test that showed minor memory loss but no dementia. Milt’s two long-time health-care aides were present. They kept him clean and well-fed and took him on outings. A neighbor looked in on Milt every evening. Clearly they all shared a deep affection for Milt. He seemed happy.
My friend informed George that Milt could safely remain in his home and recommended he be allowed to do so.
Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.
Then, for several decades, the parent-child relationship becomes adult-adult. This period can be very pleasant. Like good friends, you help each other in a pinch, but live your own lives and make your own decisions.
Role reversal begins when the child assumes control of some aspect of a parent’s life. It may begin at the parent’s request and be relatively minor, such as taking care of Dad’s car maintenance, or driving Mom to medical appointments, doing income taxes or balancing checkbooks. This control shift is limited and non-intrusive. Inconvenience to the child is minimal and the parent is grateful. [Read more…]