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How to Avoid a Political Food Fight

October 8, 2020 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

As the race for President heats up, I sometimes feel challenged by comments from friends who have political opinions averse to mine. I’m tempted to do one of three things:

1.  Try to persuade the other that their view is wrong and mine is right; or

2.  Say nothing and leave the impression I agree with the speaker; or  

3.  Say, “I don’t agree,” terminate the conversation, and walk away in disgust (or hang up or unfriend the former friend). 

The first choice won’t work and may start a political food fight. The second is dishonest and not very brave. The third may damage a relationship beyond repair.

So, what can I do instead? As a mediator I can mentally step back and ask myself, how would I treat this conversation if I were an onlooker, not a participant?

A mediator listens closely to try to discover the underlying interest (or need) of each person in a dispute. Often the real interest is hidden, even from the persons themselves. When it’s my dog in the fight, I tend to focus on a particular proposed outcome, without examining my underlying need. 

Back to politics. Underlying issues, for instance, may be public safety and equal treatment. Store owners want protection. Police officers want to be respected and allowed to keep order. Protesters want to be heard and respected. Black moms, like white moms, want their children to be safe. There’s a broad area for agreement here, if we’ll stop to listen to each other. We can find a win-win.

Or a disagreement may focus on medical care. One side says, “I want to choose my own doctor and insurance plan.” The other side says, “I have diabetes (or asthma or heart trouble) and my insurer won’t cover it.” Or “My boss doesn’t provide insurance and I can’t afford it.” So the issues are freedom of choice and affordability. Are both possible? Again, a wider range of potential agreement comes into view.

When my neighbor says something that pushes all my buttons, I hope I can (lovingly) ask, “Are you saying …” and reframe the feeling (probably fear or anxiety) I’m hearing. “Let me see if I understand what worries you.” 

Then I may truthfully say, “That worries me, too.” Listening for the underlying concern can open the door to a fruitful discussion – or at least to a potential for more conversation and continuing friendship. 

The poet Rumi said, “There is a field beyond right-doing and wrongdoing. I will meet you there.” Looking past the “solution” to the underlying fear or need can help us find a meeting place.

Filed Under: Blog

An 80-year-old’s Day in the Age of COVID-19

March 18, 2020 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, and this has been my day so far in The Age of Coronavirus.

7:00 A.M. Wake up, turn on CNN. Nothing but progress of COVID-19. Spreading exponentially. Testing now is actually occurring (after weeks of false reports). But not in Maryland where I live. We’ve received the testing kits and have a drive-thru site ready, but apparently there’s a snafu in the labs that read the tests. 

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

New Year Resolutions Reconsidered

January 13, 2020 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

I’ve given up resolving to lose ten pounds (now it should be fifteen) and exercise more. I still hope to do those things, but know I can’t count on enough self-discipline to accomplish either.

So this year I kept it simple. Two discrete goals, time-limited. And a continuation of my jagged trajectory in the bigger sphere of spiritual growth. 

A beloved baby grand piano takes up a quarter of my living room but sits unplayed. I love music. I want to play it. But something else always seems more urgent. One day Jim asked, “Could you just practice thirty minutes a day?” So I made a resolution to do that. I didn’t tell him, but I just sat down and played (badly) on New Year’s Day.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Getting Old IS Awesome!

October 2, 2019 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

When my husband Jim turned 82 recently (my age), one of our kids gave him a birthday card. It showed a back view of a naked white-haired guy running into the ocean. The word “Yippee!” in the shape of swim trunks was pasted across his buns. The card said, “Getting old is AWESOME!” 

Carolyn Miller Parr and her husband, Jim.

But inside it read “ … said no one ever. Anyway, Happy Birthday!”

Not LOL. 

I for one do say old age is awesome! I’m not as spry as I used to be, but the freedom makes up for it. Here are some AWESOME things I couldn’t do when I was younger:

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Five Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid – And How to Stop Hovering

August 23, 2019 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

Helicopter parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from every possible danger or scheduling every minute to insure a child succeeds
at whatever the parent holds dear, whether it’s sports or music or straight
A’s. Sometimes helicopter parents morph into “helicopter grownup children” as their own parents age. In their 50s or 60s, they may begin to parent their parents. What’s meant as caring can feel like control.

Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

March 8, 2019 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Q:  How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?

A:  You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

1.  What’s my contribution?

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Why Don’t You Have A Will? Part II

February 15, 2019 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.

A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.

In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth.  Here are other reasons:

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Why Don’t You Have A Will? Part I

February 8, 2019 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new.  Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.

Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.

Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog

Holiday Conversations Between Generations

November 9, 2018 By Carolyn Parr 7 Comments

This post was originally published under the title “Grandma’s Secrets: 5 Questions for Thoughtful Conversation” on Iona Senior Services’ website on October 9, 2018. Learn more about Iona at www.iona.org.

People in the last third of life have dynamic inner lives that their grownup children or grandchildren might never imagine. Next time you have an hour, here are some questions to ask your elder loved one. You may be amazed at the response.

1. How old do you feel in your spirit?

An elder’s inner age does not comport with chronology. Inside, I’m permanently about 34 years old. It’s how I feel as I go about doing life. That’s about the age of the female characters in my dreams. When I was that age, my children were young and law school was still on the horizon, but coming into view. Today, I’m a great-grandmother and a retired judge. But I’m still shocked every time I look in the mirror.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: communication, Family

Your Power of Attorney: Sword or Shield?

August 7, 2018 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

A man I’ll call George hired my friend, a social worker, to visit his “Uncle Milt.” George hoped my friend would persuade Milt, 96, to move from the home he loved on the East Coast to a nursing home in Nebraska near George. Uncle Milt, however, was firmly planted and said so loud and clear.

The social worker found Milt alert and engaging. She gave him a “mini-mental” test that showed minor memory loss but no dementia. Milt’s two long-time health-care aides were present. They kept him clean and well-fed and took him on outings. A neighbor looked in on Milt every evening. Clearly they all shared a deep affection for Milt. He seemed happy.

My friend informed George that Milt could safely remain in his home and recommended he be allowed to do so.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: elder care, finances, Powers of Attorney

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