As the race for President heats up, I sometimes feel challenged by comments from friends who have political opinions averse to mine. I’m tempted to do one of three things:

1.  Try to persuade the other that their view is wrong and mine is right; or

2.  Say nothing and leave the impression I agree with the speaker; or  

3.  Say, “I don’t agree,” terminate the conversation, and walk away in disgust (or hang up or unfriend the former friend). 

• 

The first choice won’t work and may start a political food fight. The second is dishonest and not very brave. The third may damage a relationship beyond repair.

So, what can I do instead? As a mediator I can mentally step back and ask myself, how would I treat this conversation if I were an onlooker, not a participant?

A mediator listens closely to try to discover the underlying interest (or need) of each person in a dispute. Often the real interest is hidden, even from the persons themselves. When it’s my dog in the fight, I tend to focus on a particular proposed outcome, without examining my underlying need. 

Back to politics. Underlying issues, for instance, may be public safety and equal treatment. Store owners want protection. Police officers want to be respected and allowed to keep order. Protesters want to be heard and respected. Black moms, like white moms, want their children to be safe. There’s a broad area for agreement here, if we’ll stop to listen to each other. We can find a win-win.

Or a disagreement may focus on medical care. One side says, “I want to choose my own doctor and insurance plan.” The other side says, “I have diabetes (or asthma or heart trouble) and my insurer won’t cover it.” Or “My boss doesn’t provide insurance and I can’t afford it.” So the issues are freedom of choice and affordability. Are both possible? Again, a wider range of potential agreement comes into view.

When my neighbor says something that pushes all my buttons, I hope I can (lovingly) ask, “Are you saying …” and reframe the feeling (probably fear or anxiety) I’m hearing. “Let me see if I understand what worries you.” 

Then I may truthfully say, “That worries me, too.” Listening for the underlying concern can open the door to a fruitful discussion – or at least to a potential for more conversation and continuing friendship. 

The poet Rumi said, “There is a field beyond right-doing and wrongdoing. I will meet you there.” Looking past the “solution” to the underlying fear or need can help us find a meeting place.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, and this has been my day so far in The Age of Coronavirus.

7:00 A.M. Wake up, turn on CNN. Nothing but progress of COVID-19. Spreading exponentially. Testing now is actually occurring (after weeks of false reports). But not in Maryland where I live. We’ve received the testing kits and have a drive-thru site ready, but apparently there’s a snafu in the labs that read the tests. 

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I’ve given up resolving to lose ten pounds (now it should be fifteen) and exercise more. I still hope to do those things, but know I can’t count on enough self-discipline to accomplish either.

So this year I kept it simple. Two discrete goals, time-limited. And a continuation of my jagged trajectory in the bigger sphere of spiritual growth. 

A beloved baby grand piano takes up a quarter of my living room but sits unplayed. I love music. I want to play it. But something else always seems more urgent. One day Jim asked, “Could you just practice thirty minutes a day?” So I made a resolution to do that. I didn’t tell him, but I just sat down and played (badly) on New Year’s Day.

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When my husband Jim turned 82 recently (my age), one of our kids gave him a birthday card. It showed a back view of a naked white-haired guy running into the ocean. The word “Yippee!” in the shape of swim trunks was pasted across his buns. The card said, “Getting old is AWESOME!” 

But inside it read “ … said no one ever. Anyway, Happy Birthday!”

Not LOL. 

I for one do say old age is awesome! I’m not as spry as I used to be, but the freedom makes up for it. Here are some AWESOME things I couldn’t do when I was younger:

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Helicopter parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from every possible danger or scheduling every minute to insure a child succeeds
at whatever the parent holds dear, whether it’s sports or music or straight
A’s. Sometimes helicopter parents morph into “helicopter grownup children” as their own parents age. In their 50s or 60s, they may begin to parent their parents. What’s meant as caring can feel like control.

Signs You’re a Helicopter Kid

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Q:  How do you convince a family member or friend to change when your relationship seems to be headed for a cliff?

A:  You can’t change someone else. But you may be able to change your relationship. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

1.  What’s my contribution?

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Everyone needs a will, but less than half of American adults have one. The young think they’ll live forever. Or they don’t have any wealth to worry about. But if you have a child or own a home, you need a will.

A May 18, 2016 Gallup poll found 44% of all adults had wills. But likelihood depended on age, education, and economic status. The percentage rose to 75% of upper-income (above $75,000 per year) college educated Americans 55 and older. That’s good news.

In Part I we named two reasons older adults might not have a will: (a) we can’t bear to contemplate our own death; and (b) we can’t decide how to distribute our wealth.  Here are other reasons:

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In our book Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Parents As Your Parents Age we urge readers to have a will. This is nothing new.  Everyone above the age of thirty knows they need one.

Nevertheless, many people, from show-biz stars like Prince and Aretha Franklin, to legal giants like a Supreme Court Justice whose name I can’t reveal, have died intestate.

Might this be you? Of course, you, like they, know better. Then why haven’t you made a will?

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