Community

Have Seniors Become Their Own Worst Enemy?

November 18, 2016 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

I used to like being told I look great for my age. It was a super ego-booster, made me feel special. But what did that remark really mean? It meant that the person making the remark has a stereotypical view of what older people SHOULD look like. And I didn’t fit their stereotype. It wasn’t really a compliment. It was a remark tainted with prejudice.

It wasn’t until I began reading This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite* that the scourge of ageism in America became crystal clear. Our society is awash in it. Not only is there a psychological bias against older adults, the scourge has even infected the minds of many older Americans. And who is proof of this? Me. Yes, me. [Read more…]

The Virtues of Small Talk

August 8, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 5 Comments

Some people think small talk is a waste of time.

I disagree.

In fact, we need more of it.

Anybody can do it. At any time. It crosses boundaries of race and age and class. My late husband, Jerry, used to wait by the curb on Monday mornings just to talk Redskins with our trash collector.

You can do it anywhere. In a supermarket, restaurant or beauty shop. Across the fence with your neighbor.

And small talk offers big benefits for a very small investment.

Small talk enhances the common pool of human kindness.
When my friend, Jim, visits his cousin in a nursing home, he always stops to speak to the other residents as well. [Read more…]

Forget Bra Burning; Women’s Lib Gave Me My Calling

June 28, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 7 Comments

I sometimes find it hard to explain to women under 40 why I am proud to call myself a feminist. Many think of us as angry, strident, and unnecessary. It makes me afraid that the history we forget, we may be in danger of repeating.

As a ninth grader in Miami, I had to take a series of vocational aptitude tests. Mine consistently showed I would be a good journalist, minister, or lawyer. Big problem: I was a girl. This was the 1950’s, and The Feminine Mystique was just beginning to germinate in Betty Friedan’s heart and mind. Nobody had ever heard of women’s liberation.

Help Wanted columns were divided by Male and Female, and there were no ads for journalists, ministers, or lawyers in the Female pages of the paper. All the “girl” jobs were in offices, hospitals, schools, or restaurants. Never courts. [Read more…]

Redeeming the Pain (A Book Review)

February 15, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Some books are better the second time around. Even better the third, after life has delivered its lessons. Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns is such a book.

Its subject is grief over life’s losses, big and small. A painful divorce propelled the author, a clinical psychologist, chaplain, and professor, to write it. She had two purposes: to help others and to heal herself.

In a video on her website, and in the Preface to her revised version, Dr. Stearns says resilience comes when we learn from our pain. When we find meaning in it. We redeem our own suffering by using it to help someone else. And that makes us stronger. [Read more…]

Washington’s Latest Controversy . . . Over a Treehouse

January 30, 2016 By Sig Cohen 3 Comments

My wife and I live in Washington DC in a neighborhood called Capitol Hill. As such, it would seem that our lives would be consumed with:

National concern;
Tough legislative issues;
Key judicial decisions;

upon which the fate of the country turns. Right? Wrong.

The major buzz in our neighborhood is about a house. Not the House of Representatives nor the White House, but, believe it or not, a tree house.
[Read more…]

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

December 14, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Picture this:

An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

Talking to Grief – Part 2

November 10, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 5 Comments

“What can we do to help?” friends asked me as my husband lay dying and soon after he passed. At first I didn’t know how to answer.

I was still feeling my way through early-stage grief, from the inside out. At first I didn’t know what I needed, but others sometimes recognized a need and offered specific help. Or just showed up with it. Sometimes my head was clear enough to ask. Sometimes not.

I previously wrote about helpful things to say to a person going through a loss (Talking to Grief). But it’s not all about words. Support comes in words and actions.

[Read more…]

How To Stop Blaming Others

September 23, 2014 By Carolyn Parr 3 Comments

When a situation turns sour – at work, at home, or even in a faith community – we often look for somebody to blame. As voices rise and fingers point, we need to breathe deeply – and call a time out.

Why shouldn’t we pile on blame when somebody is obviously at fault? Can’t we shame the perpetrator into better behavior? Won’t we feel so much better when we “clear the air”?

Consider these 3 reasons why blaming is not the path to positive change: [Read more…]

Pope Francis: Mediator Extraordinaire

May 28, 2014 By Carolyn Parr 3 Comments

Pope Francis’ recent three-day trip to the Holy Land left me breathless. Out-of-the-box reframing, powerful symbols, and total attention that feels like love. The Pope wants to make peace between Roman Catholics and Eastern Orthodox Christians. As many know, they’ve been at odds since 1054 when a formal split occurred. Orthodox Christians control the site of the Holy Sepulcher (where Jesus was allegedly buried). An ecumenical worship service? Impossible. The Orthodox would never allow a Roman Catholic mass to be celebrated there. [Read more…]

Accountability

September 30, 2013 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

One of the things I both love and dread about my small faith community is that we agree to be held accountable for doing what we say we will do.

For instance, if we promise to pray for someone – or visit a sick person or repay a loan — we will do it. And to strengthen our resolve, we give others in the group permission to ask if we kept our promise.

Classic examples of accountability are child/parent, student/teacher, or employee/boss. You are given a task, and you report when it has been done. You may be evaluated on the results.

But these are relationships where one has power over the other. How can accountability work in more egalitarian relationships: married couples, business partners, adult siblings? Volunteer organizations?

It’s not easy to be held accountable, especially if you’ve dropped the ball. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or defensive. Or all three. It can be equally uncomfortable on the other end: how do you hold someone accountable without sounding judgmental? Without damaging your relationship? It may be especially tough for adult siblings and adult parent-child interactions.

Some random suggestions:

1. Focus on what the person herself promised to do – not a task someone imposed on her. Your attitude is one of support – not criticism.

2. State the promise, then ask a question. “Mom, you were going to make an appointment with a dermatologist. Maybe I can give you a ride. When is your appointment?”

3. If the promise affects you personally, you might say something like, “John, you promised to start paying me back last Friday. I didn’t get anything. I was counting on that money. Is something wrong?”

4. If the promise affects the larger family, you might say something like, “Mary, you were going to check out three assisted living possibilities. Have you been able to do it yet?” If she says no, you might follow up. “When do you think you’ll have time?” Or “It sounds like you might not have time. Is there another task that might work better for you?”

Remember, the purpose of accountability between peers is to support the promise-maker’s own good intention and strengthen his or her capacity to achieve the goal.
Please help us by sharing your thoughts and experiences with accountability.

Carolyn