We’d arrived in Shannon on 9/11, just a couple of hours before the planes hit the towers in New York. Now it was 9/12 and, like everyone else on our tour, I was still in shock.
In the pub restroom the only other occupant was a teenager, red hair in spikes, lots of piercings and a few tattoos. I looked away, certain she wouldn’t want to speak to me. But she approached and asked, “Are you an American?”
When I nodded, she came over and put her arms around me, saying “I’m so sorry about what happened.” For the first time since I heard the news, I was able to weep.
That Irish girl’s care for me was both a gift and a surprise. I’d dismissed her, assuming we had nothing in common. But I was wrong. We shared our simple humanity. She was, in fact, an agent of love.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as a mediator is to stop making assumptions. To suspend judgment. To be open to surprise. A good mediator needs to feel and to demonstrate what Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard” – even if people are rude or loud or angry. But how can one ignore bad behavior?
Mediation author Kenneth Cloke says, “I try to imagine what would make me behave that way.” Over the past eight years, in hundreds of mediations, here’s what I’ve discovered: most bad behavior is a screen for fear. If I can help another feel safe and respected, anger will dissipate. Generous listening becomes possible. The best impulses of each of us can emerge. We can begin to drop the assumptions and begin to really understand.
Carolyn Parr
Carolyn,
The beautiful story you recount of your own change of heart because of the kindness expressed by the very different looking young woman in Ireland makes me think of the very essence of the Charter for Compassion. It is to sense and enter into the pain of the other, and you do it through attentive and respectful listening and genuine caring. The Charter calls us all “to cultivate an informed empathy with the suffering of all human beings, even those regarded as enemies.” I think your insight that beneath the offensive “look” or behavior is always “a screen for fear” is the key to true empathy. Karen Armstrong, herself, just commented that when she and others were verbally attacked by someone, she could hear the pain in the person’s voice behind the harsh words. Thus, suspension of judgment, as you state, plus the capacity to “dethrone ourselves” and get our ego out of it is so necessary in order to have empathy and feel with the other. Thanks for this sensitive, insightful post.
Thanks Carolyn–an important reminder for all of us!
Arline
I am deeply thankful for this story and the hope it conveys. I am certain this new venture serves us all powerfully and will create peace where it didn’t exist before.
This is such a good illustration of an important point in human understandings and perceptions; this story should be shared in large gatherings.