Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Trading Places

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Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.

Then, for several decades, the parent-child relationship becomes adult-adult. This period can be very pleasant. Like good friends, you help each other in a pinch, but live your own lives and make your own decisions.

Role reversal begins when the child assumes control of some aspect of a parent’s life. It may begin at the parent’s request and be relatively minor, such as taking care of Dad’s car maintenance, or driving Mom to medical appointments, doing income taxes or balancing checkbooks. This control shift is limited and non-intrusive. Inconvenience to the child is minimal and the parent is grateful. [Read more…]

My Big “Reveal”

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Revealing that I’m eighty-years-old makes this one of the toughest blogs I’ve written. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Just as one’s sexual identity or race or economic status shouldn’t evoke raised eyebrows or muffled comments, neither should one’s age.

For years I dreaded mentioning my age. If someone found out, I’d hear one of those inevitable comments: “I had no idea. I thought you were 65 or 70.” Or, “I hope I look like you when I’m your age.” Or, “You look REMARKABLE (hate that word) for your age.” So-called compliments may sound positive, but they’re negative because they betray an ageist stereotype in the speaker’s mind.

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The Portland Paradox

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In May 2017 my wife and I visited Portland, Oregon, for a week. We had a wonderful time. There’s plenty to do. The weather was awesome. Our hotel was top-notch. Everything clicked.

Our first evening there we saw a play. The theater is in a building that houses several art galleries. One is called “The Geezer Gallery.” After years of writing about ageism and the need for us older Americans to face life squarely and with self-respect, I was honestly appalled that an organization could call itself that. (My online dictionary defines geezer as an odd or eccentric man, usually an elderly person). [Read more…]

Have Seniors Become Their Own Worst Enemy?

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I used to like being told I look great for my age. It was a super ego-booster, made me feel special. But what did that remark really mean? It meant that the person making the remark has a stereotypical view of what older people SHOULD look like. And I didn’t fit their stereotype. It wasn’t really a compliment. It was a remark tainted with prejudice.

Seniors need to stop thinking and acting as if their age limits them.It wasn’t until I began reading This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite* that the scourge of ageism in America became crystal clear. Our society is awash in it. Not only is there a psychological bias against older adults, the scourge has even infected the minds of many older Americans. And who is proof of this? Me. Yes, me. [Read more…]

Who’d Have Thought?

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As elder and adult family mediators, we keep learning about (not-so-new) legislation, court settlements, and resources that may pleasantly surprise Whp'd Have Thought by Sig Cohenmany elders and their family members. Here are three that may benefit you, a loved one, or someone you support.

  1. Medicaid is Not a Single Program

    2.  
    Many, including myself, thought that Medicaid covers only nursing home care for low- and no-income individuals who financially qualify for the benefit. Not so. [Read more…]

When Is It Time?

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Tough Conversations is pleased to feature an article by Guest Blogger Susy Murphy who is a respected Aging Life Care Manager and Owner of Debra Levy Eldercare Associates in Maryland.

Making The Difficult Decision to Move a Family Member to Assisted Living or Memory Care
(reprinted with permission)

When is it timeOne of the most difficult decisions that any family faces is making the decision about when, or if, moving a family member to assisted living is the right thing to do. As Aging Life Care™ Managers, this is often when we are called on, whether to schedule an office consult with concerned adult children to discuss options or to meet with a spouse in their home and assess whether or not their husband or wife can still be safely cared for there. It is nearly always an emotionally fraught decision. Sometimes adult children promised their parents that they would “never put them in a home,” whatever that may mean in today’s world where some skilled nursing facilities actually more closely resemble a Hilton Garden Inn with nurses, and long before being faced with the realities of a difficult diagnosis, such as Lewy Body Dementia. [Read more…]

Lessons from a Wedding

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We recently attended our son’s wedding. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect and our son and his new wife couldn’t have looked more radiant. What amazed me the most, however, was the amount of planning that went into preparing for the big day.

Lessons From a Wedding

Months before the ceremony our son’s fiancé (and he) began the process. Planning included the size and color of the calligraphy of the invitation, floral arrangements, seating at the wedding dinner, down to the ‘official’ color of the event.

[Read more…]

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?

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As an elder (or adult family) mediator, I constantly wonder why more families with disagreements about caring for an older adult parent or handling vexing estate matters, don’t engage a mediator to help them resolve their disputes.

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?Mediation can settle differences without time-consuming and expensive litigation, let alone aggravating already frayed intra-family relations.

We’ve heard a lot about doing a better job of marketing ourselves.  More involvement with social media.  Better networking.  And so on. [Read more…]

“Am I too old to…….[fill in the blank]?”

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“Am I too old to…….[fill in the blank]?”

Don’t tell me that this question hasn’t crept into your psyche. It has mine. Too often. And I lead an active and (I’d like to think) productive life. But this demon thought has a way of infecting my self-esteem and diminishing my self-worth.

If I see a flyer for a hiking trip, or a job announcement, or news about some vacation that I would have jumped at 20 years ago, the thought creeps up on me: “Aren’t you too old for that?”

Where does this thinking come from? I attribute it to two sources: one external, the other interior.

The external sources include attitudes many elders confront daily: One is Ageism, a form of discrimination — sometimes subtle in nature — against older people in the workplace, in sports, in the media, almost everywhere. The other is Elderspeak: the verbal expression of ageism where we’re treated condescendingly and sometime addressed as “dearie,” or “sweetie,” or some other irritatingly infantile-sounding term.

The interior source is our own situation: Aging does take a toll. Inevitably an array of limitations – from cataracts to cancer – are going to impact our physical and mental well-being.

But aging has its benefits: while I may not be able to run a four or even eight-minute mile, I see a change in my emotional strength; improved people skills, more willing to compromise on my likes and dislikes, and greater openness to listen to both sides of an issue.

Conclusion: I may have become too old for some things. But if I take a longer view, I conclude that elder-ing (not aging) has advantages that I need to recognize and relish.

Sig Cohen

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ‘OLD’?

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The management at a dear friend’s assisted care facility just informed her that she would have to move from her ground floor apartment to one on another floor. Why? Because her floor was to become a ‘memory care community.’

“What on earth is a memory care community?” I asked. In short, a floor (or wing, or facility) dedicated to treating (or warehousing?) people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. I suppose it’s no longer proper to refer to such places as an Alzheimer’s wing or the section for patients with dementia.

So it goes in the land of politically correct euphemisms. As Susan Jacoby points out in her new book ‘Never Say Die,’ we dare not say the word ‘old.’ Old is out. Senior is in. Erectile Dysfunction is in. Impotence is out.

At the risk of sounding tedious, try these: infant is OK. So is toddler. Pre-teen works. As do teen-ager, youthful, and twenty-somethings. But as age creeps upward, the language shifts: Don’t utter middle-aged. Proper usage calls for ‘mid-life.’

Even the marketing gurus at ‘Elder Hostel’ have re-branded their venerable organization ‘Road Scholar.’

When it comes to our ‘twilight years’ (sorry), be careful. Something in our psyche flashes yellow and says: “Warning! Watch your language.”

Think about it: Why do we feel compelled to tiptoe around words associated with aging? Sooner or later all of us are going to be old. So, what’s wrong with using the most direct word to describe that stage of life?

Let’s hear from you: Why do you think we shun words about being old when we have no compulsion to re-name other stages of life?
Sig