Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

What I Wish I’d Said

By 10 Comments

Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.
What I Wish I'd Said

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

[Read more…]

Don’t Pull That Trigger (Word)!

By Leave a Comment

It’s all in the conversation. Conversations made up of words. Of expressions. Of emotions.

And even of silence: Nothingness, when words should be exchanged. Emotions revealed. Feelings shared.

Don't Pull That Trigger (Word)! by Sig Cohen

Every word carries messages. Every nuance conveys meanings. Words spoken while on “autopilot” may signal indifference on behalf of the speaker. Every tap on a cell phone while pretending to listen likely communicates disrespect. Words charged with emotion – double charged with facial and body language – accentuate the intent for better or for worse.

[Read more…]

How To Stop Blaming Others

By 3 Comments

Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net, shares tips for communicating.When a situation turns sour – at work, at home, or even in a faith community – we often look for somebody to blame. As voices rise and fingers point, we need to breathe deeply – and call a time out.

Why shouldn’t we pile on blame when somebody is obviously at fault? Can’t we shame the perpetrator into better behavior? Won’t we feel so much better when we “clear the air”?

Consider these 3 reasons why blaming is not the path to positive change: [Read more…]

HOW TO ESCAPE THE COILS OF YOUR SNAKE BRAIN

By Leave a Comment

My friend Lauren is learning to be a hypnotist. Not to do parlor tricks but to help people: manage pain, quit smoking, live with less stress and more peace.

She taught my mission group a simple and versatile exercise to use whenever we feel scared, dissed, or seriously angry. Your defensive reptilian brain is jerked into high gear, and you want to fight or run away (or hang up or slam the door).

Here’s what to do instead. Pause, take a deep breath. Breathe in whatever you most need at that moment: calm or peace or strength or patience. Or light. Or compassion.

Breathe out everything you can’t control. One breath at a time. Breathe out the other person’s anger, lies, prejudice, disrespect, ignorance … whatever has triggered your defenses. Name silently what you can’t control and let it go, one breath at a time.

As you let go of your need for ego safety, acceptance, or control you’ll feel yourself growing calmer. Your ability to think instantly improves. A flow of energy – and maybe insight – helps you take the next right step.

So . . . At the next family gathering, when your drunken brother-in-law proclaims your favorite politician (and his supporters, which includes you) to be a fraud, a traitor, a fool. . . pause, breathe in compassion for your sister, breathe out your brother-in-law’s craziness, and say with a sweet smile, “Please pass the pumpkin pie.”

Happy Gatherings!
Carolyn

Breaking the Anger Cycle

By 1 Comment

Ever been stuck in a churning loop of angry thought? A never-ending tape replays in your mind, reliving what the other person said, how it wounded you, what you wish you’d responded, how justified you were, how unfair/wrong/deceptive (you choose) the other is? Oh yeah… and maybe just a teeny bit of fantasizing about delicious revenge?

I have. And I don’t like what my anger does to me. It steals my sleep, distracts me when I need to concentrate, and generally makes me miserable. I feel stuck.

This is what Eckhart Tolle describes when he says, “Our problem is we think too much.”
He says the solution is training oneself to be “in the present moment.” But how?

Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained neurologist, was only 38 years old when she suffered a massive stroke that, for a while, obliterated the left globe of her brain. Even though she realized what was happening as she lost the power of speech and linear thought, she felt tranquil and embraced by love.

In My Stroke of Insight Jill describes how these cognitive loops from her left brain used to take her prisoner, and she discovered how to “step to the right” hemisphere, where inner peace, compassion, and a feeling of deep connection with all life (and mystical and religious experience) seem to reside. After her stroke, she learned she could consciously move from one hemisphere to the other.

Here are some of her practical tips to “step to the right”:

Breathe deeply. Watch your belly inflate. Hold the breath. Exhale. Do it again.

Move: Stretch, exercise, dance, do yoga or tai chi. Run up and down the stairs. (When we’re into our bodies we’re not stuck in our minds.)

Sing, play music, listen to music that soothes your spirit.

Get lost in the arts. Rilke’s poetry does it for me. Spend some time in an art gallery.

Walk in the rain, feel the breeze, climb a hill and throw your arms wide to the sky.

Pray, meditate, worship, say a mantra

Use your senses: take a hot bath, get a massage, taste something new and wonderful. Hug someone you love.

Jill also suggests we deliberately focus on appreciation and gratitude for life. I keep a “gratitude journal,” and every day I give thanks for what is and consciously affirm the “not yet” by envisioning what I long for and sending positive energy into the universe.

Please share your own tips for breaking the anger loop and moving toward compassion and peace.
Carolyn