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Can “The Next Time” Trump “The Blame Game”?

June 18, 2012 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

It seems we’re all programmed to do the blame game. Someone screws up, we heap on the blame. All it does is embitter a relationship. Whatever relief the blamer gets from this is matched by the bitterness and guilt the ‘blam-ee’ will feel.

Remember the last time you chewed out someone? Or you were on the receiving end? You must know the feeling. I do. We all do. What is it that drives us to want to make the other person feel bad? So they’ll suffer? To avenge our being wronged? To balance the score? I can’t answer that. But I have an alternative to the blame game.

There IS a way to communicate our disappointment without flinging arrows at the other person. Another way to register our upset without imposing pain.

I suggest that when you are about to lay into someone for whatever transgression he or she may have caused, try saying: “The next time this happens, let’s __________________.” If a colleague has messed up, frame your response in terms of “the next time you do something, consider this alternative instead.”

Sure, this may not work for major issues, where someone has willingly hurt another or committed a crime. But it can work magic in most cases where we feel wronged.

The other person may feel bad because of what she or he may have done, but not for what you’ve said. Your relationship will likely not deteriorate. The other person will probably breathe a sigh of relief, thank you (silently) for not chewing him or her out, and appreciate getting a second chance.

Sig Cohen

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: blame game, blaming, how to complain

Give ‘Em An EAR

September 12, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Last July I attended a meeting of family mediators in Minneapolis. The presentations were uniformly excellent. One that left a big impression on me dealt with ‘high conflict people’ (HCPs for short). You surely have come in contact with them. According to the presenter and author of several works on the topic, Bill Eddy, these are “highly defensive persons who are preoccupied with blaming others and desperate to receive validation for themselves.”

Almost every family has at least one.

Bill Eddy has written extensively about them. I just completed his High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, which is an excellent guide for my work as a mediator. (The book is written for anyone who has to cope with these personalities.) Out of Bill’s work as a social worker, attorney, and mediator, he has come up with several approaches to handling HCPs, whether in a negotiation, at the workplace, or when addressing family matters. He writes that it’s crucial to defuse their defensiveness in order to make progress.
One way to do this is to emphasize E.A.R.

Let’s break this down:
E stands for Empathy. When an HCP gets upset, instead of getting angry with them or criticizing their behavior, acknowledge that you know they’re upset. Tell him or her that you empathize with how difficult the situation is for them and that you understand their frustration.

A is for Attention. Here’s it’s important to let them know that you are paying attention to what they’re saying and their concerns about an issue.

And R is Respect. Make sure they understand that you respect their commitment to solving the problem.

Remember, applying E.A.R. doesn’t mean you agree with them, or believe what they’re saying, or have to listen to them forever.
It only means that you are prepared to hear them and work with them toward resolving the issue.

Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and author of “It’s all YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People who Blame Others for Everything.” You can learn more about HCP by visiting www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Sig Cohen

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: attention, Bill Eddy, blaming, conflict, defensiveness, E.A.R., empathetic listening, high conflict people, respect

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