Carolyn Parr

The Virtue of Vulnerability

October 18, 2016 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

On September 29, 2016, I sat riveted as Judge Michael Aloi of West Virginia encouraged mediators to become more vulnerable.^[1}

The message, the messenger, and the audience’s response were stunning.

The message was surprising because mediators are usually encouraged to be neutral. Judge Aloi reminded us that most of our clients are experiencing deep pain. Our visible empathy and deep listening can help them feel safer—show them they’ve been heard. Judge Aloi said our vulnerability shows we connect with them. It telegraphs, “You are important to me. You matter.” [Read more…]

Make Up 3 Stories

September 15, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 6 Comments

Like Paris, Washington, DC is a city of outdoor cafes. One of my favorite things to do while sipping a margarita at Guapo’s is to make up stories about the people passing by. It’s fun to do with a friend.

Recently, for instance, a clean-shaven, neatly dressed brown-skinned man with straight hair walked by. He wore a blue dress shirt, open at the neck, with his sleeves rolled up. He looked 30-ish, serious, focused as he entered Starbucks next door. [Read more…]

The Virtues of Small Talk

August 8, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 5 Comments

Some people think small talk is a waste of time.

I disagree.

In fact, we need more of it.

Anybody can do it. At any time. It crosses boundaries of race and age and class. My late husband, Jerry, used to wait by the curb on Monday mornings just to talk Redskins with our trash collector.

You can do it anywhere. In a supermarket, restaurant or beauty shop. Across the fence with your neighbor.

And small talk offers big benefits for a very small investment.

Small talk enhances the common pool of human kindness.
When my friend, Jim, visits his cousin in a nursing home, he always stops to speak to the other residents as well. [Read more…]

Forget Bra Burning; Women’s Lib Gave Me My Calling

June 28, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 7 Comments

I sometimes find it hard to explain to women under 40 why I am proud to call myself a feminist. Many think of us as angry, strident, and unnecessary. It makes me afraid that the history we forget, we may be in danger of repeating.

As a ninth grader in Miami, I had to take a series of vocational aptitude tests. Mine consistently showed I would be a good journalist, minister, or lawyer. Big problem: I was a girl. This was the 1950’s, and The Feminine Mystique was just beginning to germinate in Betty Friedan’s heart and mind. Nobody had ever heard of women’s liberation.

Help Wanted columns were divided by Male and Female, and there were no ads for journalists, ministers, or lawyers in the Female pages of the paper. All the “girl” jobs were in offices, hospitals, schools, or restaurants. Never courts. [Read more…]

What I Wish I’d Said

April 29, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 10 Comments

Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

[Read more…]

Relinquishment: Letting Go

March 23, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 10 Comments

There’s no sugarcoating it: losses hurt. Whether it’s “aging out” of favorite activities, loss of meaningful work, or even the death of a person you loved, slogging through the pain and grief and anger of loss is hard!

But there’s another way.

Acceptance may come slowly and feel forced. We greet it with tight lips and a closed fist. We resonate with Ann Lamott’s, “Everything I ever let go of had claw marks on it.” Our fist is being pried open. We feel like victims.

Relinquishment is acceptance-plus. It’s an active, intentional attitude of letting go. We open our fist and freely offer whatever is being taken away. We may not be able to avoid our loss but we can control our response to it. We meet it with an open hand, an open heart, and a free spirit. [Read more…]

Redeeming the Pain (A Book Review)

February 15, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Some books are better the second time around. Even better the third, after life has delivered its lessons. Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns is such a book.

Its subject is grief over life’s losses, big and small. A painful divorce propelled the author, a clinical psychologist, chaplain, and professor, to write it. She had two purposes: to help others and to heal herself.

In a video on her website, and in the Preface to her revised version, Dr. Stearns says resilience comes when we learn from our pain. When we find meaning in it. We redeem our own suffering by using it to help someone else. And that makes us stronger. [Read more…]

Mediation a la Downton Abbey

January 13, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

Downton Abbey launched its Final season January 3, 2016, 7.6 Million people were watching. If you were one of them (as I was) you saw a superb example of the miracle of mediation.

As Season Five ended, Mr. Carson, the butler, had finally proposed to head housekeeper Mrs. Hughes, and she’d said yes. But Season Six finds her having second thoughts. She’s not ready to set the date, and can’t bring herself to tell him why. [Read more…]

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

December 14, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Picture this:

An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

Talking to Grief – Part 2

November 10, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 5 Comments

“What can we do to help?” friends asked me as my husband lay dying and soon after he passed. At first I didn’t know how to answer.

I was still feeling my way through early-stage grief, from the inside out. At first I didn’t know what I needed, but others sometimes recognized a need and offered specific help. Or just showed up with it. Sometimes my head was clear enough to ask. Sometimes not.

I previously wrote about helpful things to say to a person going through a loss (Talking to Grief). But it’s not all about words. Support comes in words and actions.

[Read more…]