Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

The Trouble with Bubbles

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These days we hear a lot about people living in ‘bubbles.’ In mediation I often encounter parties whose positions are encased in a bubble, reinforced by an interior monologue that strengthens their conviction that they are right and the opposing party is wrong. In time it’s possible to pierce these bubbles and engage in conversations about mutual concerns and interests they share with the other party.

In politics bubbles have taken a more sinister significance. Living just 12 blocks from the U.S. Capitol, I’m sure many think I not only live in a bubble, but in ‘The Swamp’ as well.

If I live in a bubble, don’t an unemployed factory worker in Youngstown, Ohio, or a rancher in Oklahoma live in bubbles as well? One could argue we all live in bubbles.

Bubbles can be perilous places. While they may provide a protective ‘skin’ to keep out opposing, even ‘dangerous’ ideas, and exposure to the ‘other,’ they also prevent us from enlarging our understanding of the world beyond us.

 

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Is Lack of Transparency the Same as Lying?

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What if we neglect to tell a family member something that we feel is unimportant or even trivial, but they think IS important and not trivial? Is that lying? Or behaving falsely?

For example……

What if a family member, a care-giving sibling (CGS), uses her parents’ money to purchase a first-alert device or a home security system so she knows whether the parent has been in an accident or has a medical emergency? The other siblings live a several hundred miles away. Why bother? They’re not involved, right?

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Tips for the Governing Party from a Mediator’s Playbook

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The recent debacle over repealing and replacing Obamacare might have been avoided had the President and Congress applied these six best practices in mediation:

1. Stop the Clock. Trying to get House approval of the American Health Care Act on the anniversary of the signing of the Affordable Care Act ignored a central premise of mediation: No clock-watching. Setting a deadline might work as a negotiating tactic. But mediation isn’t negotiation. Reaching consensus among opposing parties takes time and patience, especially when hammering out a measure that needs majority approval. Imposing a cut-off date for passing such complicated legislation guaranteed failure.

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Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

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As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation

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I once heard an experienced mediator comment: “I care, but I don’t care that much.” I never quite grasped his meaning. Was he suggesting that a mediation session is entirely in the hands of the parties, and if they can’t reach an agreement within a specific period of time, tough luck? Or did he feel that, despite how close the parties got to an agreement, if an impasse arose, he’d be damned if he’d fall on his sword to help them reach the finish line?

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation by Sig CohenNot always, but in many mediations, I feel like I’m one of the Flying Wallendas, balanced on a high wire trying to accomplish two things:

  1. Help the parties reach the far end of the wire (settling the case); and
  2. Not fall off the tightrope (i.e. keeping a party from leaving the session).

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What I Wish I’d Said

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Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.
What I Wish I'd Said

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

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Washington’s Latest Controversy . . . Over a Treehouse

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Washington’s Latest Controversy . . . Over a Treehouse My wife and I live in Washington DC in a neighborhood called Capitol Hill.   As such, it would seem that our lives would be consumed with:

  • National concern;
  • Tough legislative issues;
  • Key judicial decisions;

upon which the fate of the country turns. Right? Wrong.

The major buzz in our neighborhood is about a house.   Not the House of Representatives nor the White House, but, believe it or not, a tree house.
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Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?

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As an elder (or adult family) mediator, I constantly wonder why more families with disagreements about caring for an older adult parent or handling vexing estate matters, don’t engage a mediator to help them resolve their disputes.

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?Mediation can settle differences without time-consuming and expensive litigation, let alone aggravating already frayed intra-family relations.

We’ve heard a lot about doing a better job of marketing ourselves.  More involvement with social media.  Better networking.  And so on. [Read more…]

Mediation as a “Disruptive Innovation”

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Based on Harvard Professor Clayton Christensen’s 1997 classic The Innovator’s Dilemma: When New Technologies Cause Great Firms to Fail, my recent article published in Mediate.comMediation as a Disruptive Innovation examines how mediation can replace litigation to become the standard practice for resolving disputes in the U.S.

While most consider mediation an ‘alternative’ to litigation, I argue it’s only a matter of time before mediation reaches ‘cornerstone status’ in our legal system. Among other things, the article focuses on how law firms and legal education may have to adapt to achieve this goal. However, the outcome can only result in a less expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining process.

To read Sig’s Mediate.com article in its entirety, please click here .

Sig Cohen

Sig Cohen
Beyond Dispute Associates
202-359-6141
www.toughconversations.net
sigcohen@toughconversations.net

 

Comments from Social Media

” We discussed this exact issue over dinner last night with Michael Levine. The gatekeepers (attorneys), their need to bill as many hours as possible, and that Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), including but not limited to mediation, results in an “Alarming Drop in Revenue.” Michael was telling us about a lawyer friend of his who was being pushed by his law firm to bill hours, even while he was in the hospital on a ventilator. Maybe people should stop using lawyers as gatekeepers when it comes to dispute resolution. “

–Mark S. Baer

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© Sig Cohen and Beyond Dispute Associates, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sig Cohen and Beyond Dispute Associates with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Hitting the Jackpot — In Mediation

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Sig Cohen, http://toughconversations.net, discusses mediation. Carolyn and I do a fair bit of mediation at the D.C. Superior Court. She mediates tax, probate and civil matters. I handle divorce, child protection (neglect and abuse cases), and probate as well. In our court, guardianship for the elderly falls under the Probate Court.

I get a little passionate about some of the cases that I mediate. Actually, mediate isn’t the best term. In the best of circumstances, it’s team building. For example, in child protection cases, helping the parties move — be they the parent or guardian, the Guardian ad Litem (the child’s attorney), social worker(s), or government attorney — to where they are working together to ensure the family is reunified (since most children in these cases have been removed from their homes) and strengthened in the process. [Read more…]