Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

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Picture this:

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

A Multi-Cultural Blessing For 2012

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On New Year’s Day I’m reminded of the ways in which words can bless. To wish another a “Happy New Year” is to say, “May things go well with you this year.” That’s a blessing.

I live in the (much maligned) District of Columbia and I confess I love it. One reason is the abundant opportunity for cross-cultural friendships. Looking around at the guests in my home on Christmas day I was struck by the rich diversity of people I love. Present were friends from Europe, Mexico, El Salvador, Jamaica, and Ethiopia. There was also Sally, a former Maryknoll nun, who has lived around the world, and speaks four languages fluently and a smattering of others.

We started to talk about greetings and leave-takings in different cultures, and I was amazed to discover that in very many languages, the ways to say hello and goodbye are deeply spiritual. I learned that German for hello is “Grüß Gott” (greet God). The Ethiopian word for “Hi” is “Selam” (be at peace, be well) related to shalom, shalem, salaam and similar words from the Middle East. In India people greet one another with “Namaste,” meaning something like “The light in me greets the light in you.”

Then there are all the words that start with “good” as in good morning: bon giorno, buenos días, bon jour, all carry the blessing, “May you have a good day.” I learned that if someone says “good morning” in Amharic, the response means “Praise be to God.” And this is repeated around the clock: good afternoon … good evening….good night.

Leave takings are an opportunity to express blessing, affection, and hope to see the other again. “Goodbye” is a contraction for “God be with you.” A-dieu, A-dios are also ways to commit the other to God. Arrivaderci, hasta la vista, a bientot all carry the meaning, “May we see each other again soon.” In Ethiopia, when one departs for work the other says, “May your weariness be on me.” In Japan, “Sayonara” carries the pain of parting, “If it must be so.”

Here’s the point: It helps to remember, even in a “tough conversation,” we and the other long to be recognized as fellow humans struggling through life, who crave a blessing. The yearning for connectedness is ancient and deep. It’s built into the very fabric of our language – maybe our souls – wherever and whoever we are.

May each of you have a happy and blessed new year.

Carolyn

Lesson in an Irish Pub

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We’d arrived in Shannon on 9/11, just a couple of hours before the planes hit the towers in New York. Now it was 9/12 and, like everyone else on our tour, I was still in shock.

In the pub restroom the only other occupant was a teenager, red hair in spikes, lots of piercings and a few tattoos. I looked away, certain she wouldn’t want to speak to me. But she approached and asked, “Are you an American?”

When I nodded, she came over and put her arms around me, saying “I’m so sorry about what happened.” For the first time since I heard the news, I was able to weep.

That Irish girl’s care for me was both a gift and a surprise. I’d dismissed her, assuming we had nothing in common. But I was wrong. We shared our simple humanity. She was, in fact, an agent of love.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as a mediator is to stop making assumptions. To suspend judgment. To be open to surprise. A good mediator needs to feel and to demonstrate what Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard” – even if people are rude or loud or angry. But how can one ignore bad behavior?

Mediation author Kenneth Cloke says, “I try to imagine what would make me behave that way.” Over the past eight years, in hundreds of mediations, here’s what I’ve discovered: most bad behavior is a screen for fear. If I can help another feel safe and respected, anger will dissipate. Generous listening becomes possible. The best impulses of each of us can emerge. We can begin to drop the assumptions and begin to really understand.

Carolyn Parr

“SHIFTS HAPPEN”

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I smiled when I saw this on a button at a mediators’ conference, and I thought about when shifts have happened for me. For instance, as a Judge I had to know the right answers. Now, as a mediator, I’ve learned that asking the right questions and listening to other people’s stories is more important and a surer route to wisdom—and to the best answers in the situation.

When it became clear that Mom with Alzheimer’s and Dad with stage 4 prostate cancer could no longer live alone my husband Jerry and I decided to invite them to live with us. I had a lot of misgivings, especially about Mom, but given everybody’s circumstances it seemed like the best solution. I speak Spanish and have many Latino friends. Whenever I told Gringo friends what I was contemplating, they’d say, “Are you sure you want to do that?” Or “How generous of you!” Or “Have you thought of …. [Name your alternative]?” This pretty much reflected my own doubts.

But my Latino friends without exception said things like, “Oh, I envy you! I wish I could take care of my parents!” Or “I’m so happy for you!” or “That’s wonderful!” (Not as in, “How noble you are!” but as in “You won the lottery!”)

I was amazed. I started to realize there was more than one way to think about this, and I began to try to see this change in the family as a blessing.

I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna. Caring for parents in your home is not for everyone. Mom  eventually needed more intensive care than we could give. But Dad lived with us until he died at 92, and he knew he was wanted and loved.

Jerry once was cleaning a wound Dad had received from falling, and Dad said with tears in his eyes, “I hate to be a burden.” Jerry said, “Art, if it’s a burden, it’s a sweet burden.” And he meant it from the heart.

Carolyn