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Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

February 27, 2017 By Sig Cohen 1 Comment

As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Conflict Resolution, elder care, Elder Mediation, family communication, Mediation, Siblings, tough conversations

The Virtue of Vulnerability

October 18, 2016 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

 
On September 29, 2016, I sat riveted as Judge Michael Aloi of West Virginia encouraged mediators to become more vulnerable.[1}

The message, the messenger, and the audience’s response were stunning.

The Virtue of Vulnerability by Carolyn ParrThe message was surprising because mediators are usually encouraged to be neutral. Judge Aloi reminded us that most of our clients are experiencing deep pain. Our visible empathy and deep listening can help them feel safer—show them they’ve been heard. Judge Aloi said our vulnerability shows we connect with them. It telegraphs, “You are important to me. You matter.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Communication Tagged With: Carolyn Parr, communication, Elder Mediation, Empathy, Mediation, Point of View

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation

October 3, 2016 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

 
I once heard an experienced mediator comment: “I care, but I don’t care that much.” I never quite grasped his meaning. Was he suggesting that a mediation session is entirely in the hands of the parties, and if they can’t reach an agreement within a specific period of time, tough luck? Or did he feel that, despite how close the parties got to an agreement, if an impasse arose, he’d be damned if he’d fall on his sword to help them reach the finish line?

The High-Wire Act Called Mediation by Sig CohenNot always, but in many mediations, I feel like I’m one of the Flying Wallendas, balanced on a high wire trying to accomplish two things:

  1. Help the parties reach the far end of the wire (settling the case); and
  2. Not fall off the tightrope (i.e. keeping a party from leaving the session).

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Communication Tagged With: communication, Conflict Resolution, difficult conversations, Elder Mediation, Mediation, Sig Cohen

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?

December 30, 2015 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

 

As an elder (or adult family) mediator, I constantly wonder why more families with disagreements about caring for an older adult parent or handling vexing estate matters, don’t engage a mediator to help them resolve their disputes.

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?Mediation can settle differences without time-consuming and expensive litigation, let alone aggravating already frayed intra-family relations.

We’ve heard a lot about doing a better job of marketing ourselves.  More involvement with social media.  Better networking.  And so on. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: aging, communication, Conflict Resolution, elder care, Elder Mediation, Family, family communication, Mediation, Sig Cohen

Caregiving in the Littoral Zone

July 24, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

Nearly every day, even when she has to wear snowshoes, my friend Ann walks the beach near her home in Maine, where she shares her life with the man she loves. He has early Alzheimer’s.

“My favorite place to walk is the littoral zone,” she says.  “It reminds me of my life.”Caregiving in the Littoral Zone by Carolyn Parr

The littoral* zone, she tells me, is the area of the shore where the tide comes in and out. The upper part is dry and solid at low tide; at high tide, it’s all either underwater or soft and squishy from the lapping waves.

In the littoral zone you have one foot on solid ground, the other on sinking sand. You’re always off balance.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: care giving, Caregiver, Carolyn Parr, communication, difficult conversations, elder abuse, elder care, Elder Mediation, Family, family communication

WALKING THE LABYRINTH

May 20, 2013 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

Walking the labyrinth is a favorite contemplative activity at Dayspring Retreat Center. As I walked it last weekend I thought of the differing paths on which family members may find themselves, faced with an emergency or crisis.

Say, for instance, Mom falls and breaks her hip. She and her adult children, Jim and Jeanette, agree she can’t live alone for now. In the short run she’ll need skilled nursing care and physical therapy. But what about long-term?

Mom feels as if she’s walking along the edge of a precipice, clinging to every promising root or limb as she inches her way along the narrow path. She’s losing control of her own life. She feels unsafe and terrified that a wrong step will end her independence forever.

Jim is lost in a maze full of dead ends. Each path seems untrustworthy. He doesn’t know where to start or where to turn. There must be a way out, but he can’t yet see it. What does Mom need? What does Jeanette expect of him? Should he take Mom in? How would that change his life? How would his wife feel?

Jeanette is walking a labyrinth. Like a maze it turns and twists, but there are no dead ends. If you stay on the path, you arrive – sometimes with unexpected suddenness – at the center where wisdom dwells. Then you turn around and walk back the way you came. After many bends you emerge into the open. Jeanette seeks a path to follow, one step at a time.

A skilled mediator can recognize and name where each family member is and respond to that need. Building trust is key. She/he will guide the family in deep listening and gentle speaking. Mom needs reassurance that her children love her and will make no long-term decision without her consent. Jim needs to hear that, unlike a maze, there are many exits (possibilities) for Mom. Jeanette needs to see a process that will lead to a wise decision.

Once trust is deepened and fear reduced, the mediator will lead participants to create a plan. They may divide the tasks for gathering information, resources, and expenses: Say Jim researches the costs of in-home care and making the home wheelchair accessible. Jeanette will check out assisted living residences and fees. Mom will clarify her financial capacity. The mediator may bring in a social worker, a financial planner, or a lawyer, depending on the need.

Now they have a process. They’ll meet next week to share information. Though they haven’t yet arrived at the end, they’re on a path that will lead, one step at a time, to a decision everyone can embrace.

Carolyn

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: breaking a hip, creating a solution, Elder Mediation, nursing homes

Five Wishes®

February 7, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

At Tough Conversations we’re constantly looking for resources to inform us about end-of-life decision-making and support. A great resource is Five Wishes®, the “first living will that talks about your personal, emotional, and spiritual needs as well as your medical needs.” Like any document that deals with serious illness and end-of-life concerns, you should ideally discuss with family members before deciding whether to complete it.
Five Wishes® meets the legal requirements in 42 states and the District of Columbia and has helped millions of people plan for and receive the kind of care they want. Five Wishes® is unique among all other advance directives and living wills because it is user-friendly and easy to complete. It is available in 26 languages and in Braille.
Five Wishes® began when Jim Towey, Mother Teresa’s legal advisor, was working and living in her Washington, DC-based hospice. Mother Teresa’s life and work became the inspirational basis for the document, which has been called “the first living will with a heart and soul.”
Copies of Five Wishes® are available for $5 each (only $1 each in quantities of 25 or more) from Aging with Dignity, P.O. Box 1661, Tallahassee FL, visiting the website: www.agingwithdignity.org, or calling 888-5-WISHES. A national non-profit organization, Aging with Dignity’s mission is to affirm and safeguard the dignity of individuals as they age and to promote better care for those near the end of life.
We believe that the 12-page document has value for all of us. It contains a wealth of information regarding end of life treatment and support. Here is an abbreviated version of the document:
Wish 1: The Person I Want to Make Health Care Decisions for Me When I Can’t Make Them for Myself
Wish 2: My Wish for the Kind of Medical Treatment I Want or Don’t Want
Wish 3. My Wish for How Comfortable I Want to Be
Wish 4: My Wish For How I Want People to Treat Me
Wish 5: My Wish for What I Want My Loved Ones to Know
We hope you’ll look into Five Wishes® and consider whether and how it can assist you and your family members decide on how to best plan for end-of-life decision-making.

Sig Cohen

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Elder Mediation, End of Life Planning, Health Care Planning, Powers of Attorney

Our Reason for Being

September 18, 2010 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

Today we’re re-posting our first blog, to remind our readers –and ourselves — why we exist.

“Tough Conversations” was born from the stories of our mediation clients and our own experiences caring for elderly parents.  Even with years of training and experience, we had to learn through trial and error.  We hope readers will profit from our experience.

Intergenerational discussions of family problems can be painful and hard.  If unresolved differences end up in court, all hope for healthy future relationships may die.  We aim to help clients find solutions that meet the needs of everyone, that everyone owns, and that strengthen family bonds.  We think communication is the key.

This blog is dedicated to pastors, social workers, probate lawyers and others who serve families of older adults and their “sandwich generation” children, and to the families themselves.

Our goals are to help families and others

– Solve problems through compassionate communication

– Preserve and improve relationships

– Foresee and prevent situations before they become conflicts

We welcome your own stories and other feedback!

Carolyn Parr and Sig Cohen

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Elder Mediation, family communication, intergenerational, pastors, probate lawyers, sandwich generation, strengthen family bonds

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