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Holiday Conversations Between Generations

November 9, 2018 By Carolyn Parr 7 Comments

This post was originally published under the title “Grandma’s Secrets: 5 Questions for Thoughtful Conversation” on Iona Senior Services’ website on October 9, 2018. Learn more about Iona at www.iona.org.

People in the last third of life have dynamic inner lives that their grownup children or grandchildren might never imagine. Next time you have an hour, here are some questions to ask your elder loved one. You may be amazed at the response.

1. How old do you feel in your spirit?

An elder’s inner age does not comport with chronology. Inside, I’m permanently about 34 years old. It’s how I feel as I go about doing life. That’s about the age of the female characters in my dreams. When I was that age, my children were young and law school was still on the horizon, but coming into view. Today, I’m a great-grandmother and a retired judge. But I’m still shocked every time I look in the mirror.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: communication, Family

Trading Places

July 14, 2018 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Changing roles is an inescapable byproduct of time. From your baby’s first step, to his first day at school — from the day she gets her driver’s license until her college dorm is in your rear view mirror — your role is changing. And your relationship evolves from all-knowing protector and teacher to “out to lunch” parent of a teen, to bankroller with a good idea once in a while, surprising your nearly grown college freshman.

Then, for several decades, the parent-child relationship becomes adult-adult. This period can be very pleasant. Like good friends, you help each other in a pinch, but live your own lives and make your own decisions.

Role reversal begins when the child assumes control of some aspect of a parent’s life. It may begin at the parent’s request and be relatively minor, such as taking care of Dad’s car maintenance, or driving Mom to medical appointments, doing income taxes or balancing checkbooks. This control shift is limited and non-intrusive. Inconvenience to the child is minimal and the parent is grateful. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: aging, Caregiving, communication, Dementia, Family, intergenerational communication, speaking to elders

What Makes a Conversation “Tough”?

February 15, 2018 By Carolyn Parr 2 Comments

It takes guts to start – and sometimes to stick with – a tough conversation. We’re afraid of triggering anger or hurt. Or being misunderstood. But some conversations are necessary.

Let’s say I’m wondering whether Mom and Dad have a will. And who’s the Executor? And who is getting what? Here’s the parade of horribles that might be going through my head:

My parents might think I want them to hurry up and die.

They might think I’m greedy.

They might think I’m trying to curry favor over my sister to get more than she does.

They might think I’m trying to trying to control what they do with their own money, as if it’s already mine.

They might think it’s none of my business. And say so!

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: communication, Family, family communication, talking about death, tough conversations

Who’d Have Thought?

August 23, 2016 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

 
As elder and adult family mediators, we keep learning about (not-so-new) legislation, court settlements, and resources that may pleasantly surprise Whp'd Have Thought by Sig Cohenmany elders and their family members. Here are three that may benefit you, a loved one, or someone you support.

  1. Medicaid is Not a Single Program
  2.  
    Many, including myself, thought that Medicaid covers only nursing home care for low- and no-income individuals who financially qualify for the benefit. Not so. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Communication, Facilitation, Family Matters Tagged With: aging, Alternative Care, Caregiving, elder care, Family, finances, Medicaid, Medicare, Sig Cohen

An Alternative to Guardianship Made for Mediation

July 14, 2016 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

 

An Alternative to Guardianship Made for MediationWell, if you die before she does, then she’ll need a guardian,” an attorney recently told a friend of mine. He was referring to my friend’s sister who relies largely on him to handle her financial, healthcare, and other concerns. The attorney’s remark was like the snap of a wet towel across his thigh. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Family Matters Tagged With: Caregiving, elder care, Family, Siblings, Sig Cohen

Planning 10.0: Your Ethical Will

April 13, 2016 By Sig Cohen 3 Comments

 
Besides our will, powers of attorney, trust documents, and other legal, financial, and end-of-life instructions that we should share with family members, we need to prepare one other item: our ethical will.Planning 10.0: Your Ethical Will

Ethical wills (or legacy letters) are designed to transmit values from one generation to the next.  They set out our beliefs, principles, and hopes for those who succeed us.  An ethical will often include what we’re grateful for and our expectations for the future.  They are best written over an extended period.  Their purpose is to express what we hope our children will continue to follow and abide by.

Ethical wills are nothing new.  Their origins are rooted in Biblical soil.  Think of Moses speaking his parting words to the children of Israel as they were about to enter the Holy Land. Or, Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in which he told his disciples that, among other Beatitudes: “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Family Matters, Uncategorized Tagged With: communication, End of Life Planning, Ethical Will, Family, family communication, Sig Cohen

My Least Favorite Words

March 9, 2016 By Sig Cohen Leave a Comment

Everyone has words they dislike.  I have three:My Least Favorite Words

The first is “facility.”  Especially when grouped with ‘assisted living’ or ‘continuing care,’ or ‘memory care.’

I’d always thought a facility is a place where things are made, or shipped from, or warehoused. Facilities are places for getting things done. Why do we apply the term ‘facility’ to describe places where older people reside?

Residences or homes are where people live.  Like long-term care residences, or skilled-nursing homes.  Coupling the word facility with places where many seniors reside contributes to the objectification of older people, that is, treating them as an object or thing.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: communication, Family, family communication, intergenerational communication, Mediation, Sig Cohen

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?

December 30, 2015 By Sig Cohen 2 Comments

 

As an elder (or adult family) mediator, I constantly wonder why more families with disagreements about caring for an older adult parent or handling vexing estate matters, don’t engage a mediator to help them resolve their disputes.

Is Mediation Too Risky for Some?Mediation can settle differences without time-consuming and expensive litigation, let alone aggravating already frayed intra-family relations.

We’ve heard a lot about doing a better job of marketing ourselves.  More involvement with social media.  Better networking.  And so on. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Family Matters Tagged With: aging, communication, Conflict Resolution, elder care, Elder Mediation, Family, family communication, Mediation, Sig Cohen

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

December 14, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

Picture this:

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

Filed Under: Communication, Community, Family Matters Tagged With: Carolyn Parr, communication, cross-cultural, difficult conversations, Family, family communication, Family gatherings, finding common ground, forgiveness, tough conversations

Talking to Grief – Part 2

November 10, 2015 By Carolyn Parr 5 Comments

 
“What can we do to help?” friends asked me as my husband lay dying and soon after he passed. At first I didn’t know how to answer.Talking to Grief - Part 2

I was still feeling my way through early-stage grief, from the inside out. At first I didn’t know what I needed, but others sometimes recognized a need and offered specific help. Or just showed up with it. Sometimes my head was clear enough to ask. Sometimes not.

I previously wrote about helpful things to say to a person going through a loss (Talking to Grief). But it’s not all about words. Support comes in words and actions.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Blog, Communication, Community, Family Matters Tagged With: Caregiving, Carolyn Parr, communication, death, death and dying, Family, talking about death

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