Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

What I Wish I’d Said

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Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.
What I Wish I'd Said

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

[Read more…]

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!

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Picture this:

Right and Righteous? Give It Up!An extended family is gathered for a Thanksgiving feast. A granddaughter announces she’s moving in with her boyfriend. A son has brought his same-sex partner to meet the family. You learn your favorite cousin had an abortion. The family vegetarian ostentatiously declines the turkey and anything it touched. Your Mom’s friend who helped make dinner is a guy 10 years younger than she and you suspect he’s more than a “friend.” A Marine in uniform and a peace activist complete the scene.

(I’m only partially making this up. I’ve seen each of these situations – but, I confess, never all at once!) [Read more…]

How to Say I’m Sorry Without Words

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How to Say I'm Sorry Without Words
I’ve written before about fake apologies that don’t cut it, such as “I’m sorry if anyone was offended…” when the perpetrator knows very well she did or said something offensive.

But there’s a flip side. Is it possible to apologize without saying, “I’m sorry?” I think it is. In fact, sometimes the most sincere apology comes without words but by making amends.

Say a neighbor backs into your car. She knocks on the door and says, “I just hit your car. I wasn’t paying attention. Of course I want to pay for the damage. I’m calling my insurance company right now.” That’s a perfectly good apology in my book. She’s taking responsibility and trying to make amends.

And the offense was unintentional.

When I was 6 years old my dad still smoked. One day he playfully swept me up into his arms, and my shoulder brushed the cigarette in his mouth. “Ouch!” I said. I’ll never forget the pain in Dad’s eyes as he kissed the burn to try to “make it well.” I had a true epiphany that I clearly remember. I thought, How strange. It hardly hurts at all when someone is sorry. Dad didn’t say he was sorry, but I knew he was in my deepest six-year-old self.
[Read more…]

Is An Imperfect Relationship Perfect For You?

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Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net, discusses ways to forgive and move on. Sometimes an imperfect relationship is good enough.

In Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, Dr. Pauline Boss describes an alternative to ending a relationship because it’s not everything we wish for. By that she means we can choose to retain the relationship and find peace by consciously deciding that a relationship is worth preserving, even though parts of it are painful.

This is not to pretend that nothing is wrong, or that bad behavior must be silently borne; victimhood leads to smoldering resentment. No, the attitude Dr. Boss describes is empowering because the acceptance is a conscious choice.

I’ve seen this lived out in inspiring ways. [Read more…]

From Persecution to Empowerment

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Author Richard Wiener’s childhood in Wittenberg, Germany could be described as ‘normal,’ family-centered, and even enjoyable…until 1933 when he and his family experienced the imposition of oppressive anti-Semitic measures instituted by the Nazis.

Most grievous for Richard were the ostracism and emotionally and physically cruel treatment by his former classmates and friends. While they joined Hitler Youth and wore swastika armbands, Richard was isolated and confused by the profound change in his playmates’ attitude.

Compared to Jews who were sent to Nazi death camps, Richard’s story is fortuitous. Yes, he witnessed Nazi thugs wrecking his aunt’s apartment, the destruction of every Jewish-owned store and residence in Wittenberg, expulsion from school, and his father’s arrest and deportation to Buchenwald in 1938.

But after 6 years under Nazi persecution, Richard was able to emigrate to England via the Kindertransport. In time the Nazis released his father from Buchenwald, and both parents were permitted to travel to the UK.  About 18 months later Richard and his family departed England for their new life in the U.S.

In 1988 Richard made contact with the one classmate who had not deserted him. Two years later after Wittenberg and the rest of East Germany were liberated from Soviet rule, Richard decided to put the past behind him and visit his hometown. He learned that most of his classmates had been drafted at 15. Many were killed or permanently injured during the war. Richard writes that he “began to realize how much suffering the Nazis inflicted not only on the Jews, but on the entire German population.”

Three years later Richard returned to Wittenberg to celebrate its 700th anniversary. During a third visit in 1997 he met former classmates one of whom asked for his forgiveness. This moment was a turning point in his life. During a fourth visit to Wittenberg Richard was made an honorary citizen in recognition of his work on reconciliation. More about his return visits to Wittenberg is recounted in his recently published autobiography, Survivor’s Odyssey.

Richard’s life mission is to be an advocate for reconciliation, not only between individuals, but also among nations. He writes that his “painful past also contained a gift, in that it sensitized [him] to the sufferings of others and the need for compassion for every human being.” In addition to his many speaking engagements, Richard conducts workshops called “The Power of Forgiveness” which enables attendees to address their own forgiveness and reconciliation issues.

Sig Cohen

OLD HURTS

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In spite of good intentions, families can get stuck in the past. This week we offer suggestions gleaned from others about moving forward through old hurts.

“We can continue to live together even if some grievances are unresolved. . . . [We can] love with no need to pre-empt grievance.” Poet Elizabeth Alexander
In other words, don’t wait for an apology that may never come. Let it go, even if that’s hard. “Everything I ever let go had claw marks on it.” Anne Lamott

“Where there is no love, put love and you will draw love out.” Dorothy Day, quoting St. John of the Cross.
In a family conference involving an elderly mother, for instance, brothers and sisters can acknowledge, “We do have some old, angry feelings with each other. But we all love Mom and want good for her. Our love for her is greater than our hurt with each other. We can work together on this.”

“I want not to just tell the story of the wreck, but to go through the wreck itself.” Adrienne Rich, “Driving Into the Wreck.”
“When a point I’m making becomes more important than the person I’m making it to . . . when I lose a sense of the sacredness of another human being, especially the human beings closest to me, the ones in my family,” it becomes crucial to look inward, to speak and act from a quiet center, says contemplative writer Ken Gire in Windows of the Soul.

Please share your own experiences with moving through old hurts by posting a Comment.

Carolyn

4 THINGS DYING PEOPLE (AND THE REST OF US?) WANT TO SAY – AND HEAR

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Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.

In his book, “The Four Things That Matter Most” hospice specialist Dr. Ira Byock writes that these are the words that dying people long to hear and say to those they love.

We might be able to say them to a dying person we love. But, as Dr. Byock says, they can also change our relationships with the living.

But sometimes they’re very hard to say. Why? Because we may appear weak or even vulnerable.

My dad found it hard to say, “I love you.” I think for him it didn’t feel “manly.” But in his 90’s he wrote in his journal, “I sure do love Carolyn and Jerry.” Then he handed it to us to read!

Vulnerability can be tough. Do we feel we’re putting ourselves in a “one down” or “one up” relationship? For instance, a parent may have trouble apologizing to a child. Or a boss to an employee. Will admitting we were wrong diminish us in the other’s eyes?

Will we lose face?

Are we afraid to be hurt or rejected if we reveal our feelings?

What if I apologize and the other person refuses to forgive me?

What if I express love and the other person remains silent?

What if I thank someone and he says, “It’s about time!”

What if I tell someone I forgive them and they say, “I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re too sensitive.”
(Note: It’s a wonderful idea to forgive, but not so good to say so unless/until the other person expresses a need to be forgiven!)

I invite readers to say which of these is easy and which is hard for you. And why. For myself, just for today I’m going to try to speak a little more courageously with my nearest and dearest!

Carolyn Parr

THE DANCE BETWEEN APOLOGY AND FORGIVENESS

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How many times have you thought, “I could forgive him if he would only apologize.” Or asked yourself, “How can I let it go when she has never shown any remorse?

Clearly, there’s a relationship between apology and forgiveness. A sincere apology makes it easier to forgive. (Don’t even try if you don’t mean it. That makes things worse.)

Conversely, a “demand” for apology makes it almost impossible for the offender to apologize, even when they want to. A close relative once told me, years after the event, “I wanted to apologize but I couldn’t, because you were so angry.” I was shocked to realize that my own anger had been the barrier to receiving what I most deeply wanted – a sincere acknowledgement of the hurt her behavior had caused me.

I was on the other end not long ago. I was 15 minutes late for a court appearance, and rehearsed all the way into the courtroom the mea culpa I would offer. But before I could open my mouth, the judge started to lecture me, with pointed finger, about how irresponsible I was. I stood there mute and took it, but I did not apologize. I felt humiliated, and clung to my last shred of dignity by my silence. I really was sorry, but I was not going to grovel.

What should I have done? I wish I could have remembered that a demand for an apology is really a disguised plea. The person is saying, “Please help me forgive you. Make it easier.” I should have just said, “I’m sorry I was late, Your Honor, and I’ll try not to do it again.”
But going back to the beginning. What if you’re on the other side of the dance? You’re wanting to forgive someone who shows no sign of remorse. Your anger is eating you up, and you know you need to move on. What then? 

I’ve found it easier if I can do my own “searching moral inventory” (as AA says) and ask myself how I may have contributed to the rupture. Very few breakdowns in relationships are all completely one-sided. If I can find anything for which to apologize, the conversation can move forward.

Examples: Did I make a negative assumption instead of asking a question? Was I too defensive? Did I misinterpret something the other said or did? Was I supersensitive? Did I fail to recognize and clear up a faulty assumption the other may have made about my words or behavior? Did I expect too much? Did I miss the other person’s fear or pain?

If you can even start with something as simple as, “I’m really sorry that our relationship seems to have hit a bumpy patch, and I’d like to make it right” this will carry you a long way in a positive direction.

The Bible offers this advice: “If your friend has anything against you, leave your sacrifice on the altar and go make it right with your friend.” And “If anyone has offended you, go to him/her privately and try to make it right.”  I take this to mean that, whether I’m in the right or in the wrong, I should be willing to take the lead in the dance toward reconciliation.

Carolyn

The Feather Story

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The Feather Story

            A wealthy Jewish man is nearing the end of his life.  He tells his rabbi that he wants to make amends to all those about whom he has spoken ill.  The Rabbi instructs him to take a bag of feathers and put one feather at the doorway to the homes of everyone he has slandered.

            Thinking this a pretty easy task, the elderly man gets a bag of feathers and places a feather at the entrance to everyone’s home of whom he has spoken ill.  Having completed the task, he asks the Rabbi what should he do next?  The rabbi tells him to return to each home and retrieve every feather that he placed at the entrances.

            But he can’t.  The feathers have floated off to the four winds.  In the much same way he cannot retrieve the ill words he has spoken about others.  The gist of this story is that there is no limit to where our negative talk about others can spread.

            I came across this version of the feather story in Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis’ book The Committed Life.  Importantly the teachings of all faiths share a profound abhorrence of slander and back biting.

— When the Prophet Mohammed was asked who is the best Muslim, he replied: “He is the one from whom Muslims are safe from the evil of his tongue and hands.”

— In Leviticus one reads: “When you speak things about others that you would be ashamed to say in their presence, you are not only disobeying God’s Word, and you are also destroying that person’s reputation in the mind of your listener.”

— According to John, “When you find yourself gossiping, repent at once so that God will forgive you of this terrible, destructive sin.  Gossip has its roots in jealousy, hate and self-pride.  As a result, you are murdering the person in your heart.”

            As well, central to these religions’ teachings is the power of healing and  forgiveness.  Though we can’t call back hurtful words, we can speak new words of apology.  It’s not easy, but broken relationships can often be restored…with a tough conversation.”

           Sig Cohen

Did You Cut the Toikey?

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It’s funny how a single incident or remark can change a relationship forever. The slightest word, look or act can radically and unexpectedly shift the ground beneath us. A graphic expression of this occurred in the 1991 film Avalon, which follows the fortunes of an extended immigrant Jewish family after World War II.

Over the years the family developed several traditions that bound its members together. One was Thanksgiving dinner. It happened that one brother and his wife habitually arrived late for the event. So one year the host decided not to wait for his brother to arrive and began carving the turkey.

When the brother and his wife finally arrived and saw that the meal had begun, he exploded and left the house screaming: “I can’t believe you cut the toikey!”

According to the story, that moment irreparably severed the bond between two brothers and their families.

The incident mirrors what often happens in real life: A will that favors one child over another; a dispute among siblings over whether to place an incapacitated parent in a nursing home; or unilaterally deciding that a family member should no longer drive now that she’s reached a certain age. All of these actions can forever alter a previously stable (and loving) relationship.

How can we know the repercussions of our actions or words? What does it take to anticipate the impact of a single remark, or action? Maybe the best we can do is think through the repercussions of our actions and put ourselves in the place of a potentially aggrieved party. Perhaps, there is nothing we can do to prevent hurting, offending, or angering someone who at the slightest remark will turn a relationship on its head and allow years of friendship to evaporate in an instance.

Who are we? The person who easily takes offense and is willing to sacrifice a relationship in the name of pride or status? Or, someone who mindlessly makes statements that cause irreversible harm? Or, one who weighs the potential outcome and relies on his or her inner resources to guide their actions?

Sig