grief

Grief and a Holiday Letter

December 14, 2017 By Carolyn Parr 9 Comments

In October of 2015 the man who had been my husband for fifty-six years died. December found me still numb with grief. As my children and I struggled to navigate the season without a compass, we were feeling a lot of things. Joy wasn’t one of them. If it was there, it was buried under a thick layer of pain.

It was time to write the annual holiday letter Jerry and I had always written together, but I felt lost.

Should I just skip it and leave friends wondering whether they’d been abandoned? Should I spill tears all over the page? Should I put on a happy face to hide the pain?

None of those choices seemed right.

Then I reflected on what had followed Jerry’s death. I realized that this was a season when grief, like the Wise Men, came bearing gifts. [Read more…]

Relinquishment: Letting Go

March 23, 2016 By Carolyn Parr 10 Comments

There’s no sugarcoating it: losses hurt. Whether it’s “aging out” of favorite activities, loss of meaningful work, or even the death of a person you loved, slogging through the pain and grief and anger of loss is hard!

But there’s another way.

Acceptance may come slowly and feel forced. We greet it with tight lips and a closed fist. We resonate with Ann Lamott’s, “Everything I ever let go of had claw marks on it.” Our fist is being pried open. We feel like victims.

Relinquishment is acceptance-plus. It’s an active, intentional attitude of letting go. We open our fist and freely offer whatever is being taken away. We may not be able to avoid our loss but we can control our response to it. We meet it with an open hand, an open heart, and a free spirit. [Read more…]

How To Stop Blaming Others

September 23, 2014 By Carolyn Parr 3 Comments

When a situation turns sour – at work, at home, or even in a faith community – we often look for somebody to blame. As voices rise and fingers point, we need to breathe deeply – and call a time out.

Why shouldn’t we pile on blame when somebody is obviously at fault? Can’t we shame the perpetrator into better behavior? Won’t we feel so much better when we “clear the air”?

Consider these 3 reasons why blaming is not the path to positive change: [Read more…]

Conversations That Bless

July 4, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

In a wonderful book, My Grandfather’s Blessings, Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen tells of childhood conversations she shared with her grandfather, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi. Every afternoon when she came home from school, they shared tea and he told her stories. His stories guided Naomi’s entire life.

When she was 4 years old, he told her a story of creation. A great ball of darkness broke up into countless sparks of light which were scattered throughout the universe. There is a god-spark in everyone and everything. To listen and to notice the light in others is to heal the world. He told her we are born to bless and serve life. He himself had a blessing for everything, and he taught many of them to Naomi.

When Naomi was 7, she and her grandfather had a very difficult conversation. He was very sick and he told her he was dying. He said he would be going somewhere else, closer to God. He said she wouldn’t be able to visit him there. “But,” he said, I will watch over you and I will bless those who bless you.”

Now in her 70’s, Dr. Remen says her life has been blessed by a great many people, and each of them has been her grandfather’s blessing. She has passed it on. After years as a pediatrician, she began to lead support groups for doctors who were treating cancer patients and carrying enormous grief they couldn’t express. Then she expanded to treat cancer patients themselves and others suffering from incurable diseases. Herself a victim of Crohn’s disease since age 15, she now helps people find meaning in their own suffering. And she teaches them to bless life, to bless others.

These blessings are spread through conversations, some of them tough: stories, listening, sharing compassion.

Dr. Remen says, “The power of our blessing is not diminished by illness or age.” It’s something we can do until we die. Our struggles and memories give hope to others.

Carolyn Parr