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Six Questions for Older Adults (And Answers Their Kids Need to Know)

June 5, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

Sig and I recently led a communications workshop for 40 families on the topic “Necessary Conversations at Midlife and Beyond.” We divided the group into people with living parents and those whose parents had passed on. Each group was assigned questions to discuss among themselves, in order to prepare for a conversation with their own families. Here are the questions we gave the older adults, and in parenthesis the sometimes surprising answers that emerged:

1. What is your greatest concern about aging?
[The majority said dependency, helplessness, and consequential loss of freedom. This is why it’s so hard to give up driving. The second most common answer was fear of abandonment.]

2. What information do you want your children to know, but you’re afraid to mention?
[Most denied there was any such topic – I now think the word “afraid” was too strong. But some secrets came to light. For instance, one parent added a child to all his financial accounts but has not told the other children. Note: Please talk to your lawyer about the possible legal effects of this before you do it. There are better ways to allow a child to take care of your bills.

Other “secrets”: A parent wants to leave more money to a child with greater needs, but hasn’t mentioned it to the other kids. Or parents worry about leaving money to a child whose spouse they don’t trust. One secret might be a parent’s desire to marry again.]

3. How do you feel about discussing your finances with your children?
[Again, some answered “No problem” or “They already know.” But see above. Some don’t want to reveal how little they have, for fear the children will feel burdened. Wealthier parents don’t want to reveal how much, because they may want to give a large amount to charity and don’t want the kids to feel entitled. If you’re uncomfortable sharing specifics, we recommend you at least put a list of all the information your kids will need – life insurance policies, safe deposit box number and key, bank account numbers, stock broker info, etc., in an easily found place.]

4. How much do you want your children involved in making your health care decisions?
[I suspect this was the toughest question for folks to think about, because it does imply helplessness. All three small groups put it off to last and never got to it. About half did have health care powers of attorneys and/or living wills. See Five Questions. ]

5. Where would you expect to be living later in your life?
[We were surprised that nobody said “With my child.” Most said they want to stay where they are. Some are in their own homes, others had moved to a senior community like Leisure World, still others are in independent living in a continuing care facility, which they like. Perhaps unrealistically, no one expects to be in a nursing home.]

6. What’s your deepest hope for the future?
[Most common answer: “That I keep my mind intact.” One woman touched us when she said, “If I become helpless, I hope I can accept that with grace. I hope I can find meaning in it.”]

Can you think of other questions? Write a comment and let us know.
A coming blog will share the questions and answered of the adults with living parents.

Carolyn Parr

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: caretaking, End of Life Planning, finances, health care POAs, intergenerational conversations

“WHAT IF I TRY AND FAIL?”

March 6, 2011 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

We often avoid starting a tough conversation because we’re afraid “it won’t work.” Here’s one way to overcome that concern.

Re-think “success.” Success doesn’t have to mean the other person accepts your proposed solution. It may mean something as simple as learning what the other person really needs (listening to understand) and expressing your own needs in a compassionate way. It may mean learning to reframe the issue.

Say your goal is Mom’s agreeing to move into an attractive assisted living community. She may be set on staying in her home, where she’s close to friends, doctors, and her church. If you both look at her needs: (safety, transportation to doctors, daily reminders to take her medicine, and companionship), and what you need: (peace of mind, freedom from always being “it” when it comes to taking mom places, etc.), you can re-frame the issue: How can Mom stay in her home (or at least her neighborhood) safely and give you peace of mind and a clear conscience?

If you and Mom agree on the issue, why not continue your conversation at another time? Meantime, you and Mom can do some research. What services are available in Mom’s neighborhood? How much do they cost? How will they be paid for? Are Mom’s friends, church, or other relatives willing to chip in services or money? What about public programs? Devices to call for help in an emergency?
Mom asks her friends the same questions. The next time you talk, brainstorm all the possible solutions to meet your needs and Mom’s. Then you and Mom (and other family members) can decide together on the best path for your particular family.

When we do this exercise in our workshops, participants are astonished. A dozen or more possible solutions may emerge.

Though your first conversation didn’t resolve the issue, it was clearly a success. You agreed on a path to resolve this and other issues that might arise (and they will). You listened to each other deeply, and treated each other with respect. Each of you felt heard. You took each other’s needs and wishes seriously and showed you care about one another. Because of all this, you feel closer than ever, and you’re on a path.

Have you ever had a “failed” encounter turn out to be a success? Let us hear from you!

Carolyn

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: fear of conflict, fear of failure, intergenerational conversations, redefine success, tough conversations

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