Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.
The deepest pain many elderly parents feel cannot be fixed by doctors or lawyers. It’s created by their own children.
The most common causes are:
In the 1970’s a pop-psych book called Games People Play by Eric Berne, was in. One of the games described was “Yes, But.” This game is often played in families, under the guise of looking for advice. You know you’re in a game when you keep getting sucked into giving advice that is ignored. When a conversation – usually about “fixing” somebody else or some situation – keeps getting recycled, somebody’s not getting real. Maybe neither one of you.
For instance, an adult daughter often complains that her live-in boyfriend is not paying his share of expenses. He is chronically unemployed and not looking for work. She says she’s tired of paying his bills. But she keeps paying them.
“Well,” you might sensibly suggest, “You could give him an ultimatum: get a job or get his own place.” To which she responds, “Yes, but he’s an artist! It would kill him to work for someone else!” You think his art stinks and he needs to join the real world. She needs to wake up. But if you actually say this, the game will change to “Uproar.”
But because you read our blog you look for a way to keep the conversation going. One way to stop the game and have a real conversation is to switch from “yes, but” to “yes, and.”
“Sounds like you want to encourage his artistic spirit [that’s the “yes”]. And you’re feeling weighed down by taking responsibility for all the bills. “Is that right?” [Pause for her response, if any. You are showing you’ve heard and understood. You are NOT telling her what to do or judging her in any way. So you are keeping the conversation safe and thus open.]
Then you ask an open question: “How would you like it to be?” or “Have you thought of anything you might do to change the situation?”
You don’t have the “right” answer. (You really don’t, even if you think you do.) You may be surprised by her answer. This is not manipulation. But it will end the “game” and get her thinking more creatively – even if her answer is to honestly acknowledge that she isn’t ready to do what she already knows she needs to do. That’s the start of a real conversation.
Carolyn
I smiled when I saw this on a button at a mediators’ conference, and I thought about when shifts have happened for me. For instance, as a Judge I had to know the right answers. Now, as a mediator, I’ve learned that asking the right questions and listening to other people’s stories is more important and a surer route to wisdom—and to the best answers in the situation.
When it became clear that Mom with Alzheimer’s and Dad with stage 4 prostate cancer could no longer live alone my husband Jerry and I decided to invite them to live with us. I had a lot of misgivings, especially about Mom, but given everybody’s circumstances it seemed like the best solution. I speak Spanish and have many Latino friends. Whenever I told Gringo friends what I was contemplating, they’d say, “Are you sure you want to do that?” Or “How generous of you!” Or “Have you thought of …. [Name your alternative]?” This pretty much reflected my own doubts.
But my Latino friends without exception said things like, “Oh, I envy you! I wish I could take care of my parents!” Or “I’m so happy for you!” or “That’s wonderful!” (Not as in, “How noble you are!” but as in “You won the lottery!”)
I was amazed. I started to realize there was more than one way to think about this, and I began to try to see this change in the family as a blessing.
I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna. Caring for parents in your home is not for everyone. Mom eventually needed more intensive care than we could give. But Dad lived with us until he died at 92, and he knew he was wanted and loved.
Jerry once was cleaning a wound Dad had received from falling, and Dad said with tears in his eyes, “I hate to be a burden.” Jerry said, “Art, if it’s a burden, it’s a sweet burden.” And he meant it from the heart.
Carolyn
Today we’re re-posting our first blog, to remind our readers –and ourselves — why we exist.
“Tough Conversations” was born from the stories of our mediation clients and our own experiences caring for elderly parents. Even with years of training and experience, we had to learn through trial and error. We hope readers will profit from our experience.
Intergenerational discussions of family problems can be painful and hard. If unresolved differences end up in court, all hope for healthy future relationships may die. We aim to help clients find solutions that meet the needs of everyone, that everyone owns, and that strengthen family bonds. We think communication is the key.
This blog is dedicated to pastors, social workers, probate lawyers and others who serve families of older adults and their “sandwich generation” children, and to the families themselves.
Our goals are to help families and others
– Solve problems through compassionate communication
– Preserve and improve relationships
– Foresee and prevent situations before they become conflicts
We welcome your own stories and other feedback!
Carolyn Parr and Sig Cohen