Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

202-359-6141

  • Home
  • Resources
    • FAQ
    • Elder Mediation Defined
    • The Uses of Elder Mediation
    • News Articles of Interest
  • News & Events
  • Services
  • Blog
  • Love’s Way
  • About Us
  • Testimonials

What’s Fair?

April 1, 2013 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

“I just want what’s fair.” As mediators Sig and I hear this from divorcing couples, from family members contesting a will or trust, and even from parties in civil lawsuits. Sometimes they ask us directly, “What do you think is fair?”

We try to toss the question back rather than answer it. “Well, what do you mean by ‘fair’”? We ask because we really don’t know.

Fairness is not the same as justice. Justice is rights-based, getting what’s legally owed. It’s about keeping the rules. Fairness is more complex. It has aspects related to religion, family history, culture, emotions.

For instance, here are some considerations for a father preparing to make a will:

Is leaving everything in equal shares to your two children “fair”? Depends . That would be distributive fairness and may be fine with everyone.

But what if one child is a single mom struggling financially, while her brother is a partner in a major law firm? During his lifetime Dad has helped out his daughter by paying for child care and unexpected emergencies. Dad wants both his children to be able to live comfortably after he’s gone. To leave the daughter a bigger share would be “needs” fairness. Would the brother think that was fair?

(Hint: he might wholeheartedly agree IF he understood Dad’s reasoning. Or he might volunteer to take over some of his sister’s expenses himself if Dad chose equal distribution.)

Then there’s “merit” fairness. Say Mom becomes an invalid but wants to stay in her own home. Her son quits his job and moves in to care for her full time. Mom wants to leave the home to that son. The caregiver thinks that’s fair. But his sister – who may or may not have contributed to Mom’s upkeep – thinks her brother’s a freeloader and should have even been paying rent. What’s fair?

And, of course, fairness is much more complicated when a second marriage and step-children are involved.

How the parent views fairness will, of course, control. It’s your money and your decision.  But to preserve loving relations among your heirs– and loving memories of you — the important point is this: Before you die – and preferably before you make your will – talk to your kids.

Especially talk privately to the ones to whom you plan to leave less. Explain your concept of fairness, and listen to their feedback. Try to get their understanding and buy-in to what you have in mind. Even if they don’t agree they will know you loved them all and tried to do the right thing.

Carolyn

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: fairness, making a will, merit fairness, needs fairness, talking about your will

Money Talks

October 31, 2011 By Carolyn Parr 4 Comments

TALKING ABOUT MONEY

Money.   We agonize over how to stretch it, invest it, spend it, or give it away.  And the older we get, the more we hate to talk about it.  Especially with our adult kids.

Seniors with little money don’t want to burden their children.  Members of the WWII generation — who value their self-sufficiency and independence — may especially resist these conversations.  In these “traditional” families dad was the breadwinner, and mom raised the children.  Once they were their children’s safety net.  This role reversal hurts.  They may feel ashamed and disappointed to ask for help.

Middle-class elders – good pensions, some investments, and long-term care insurance – may fret about how to bequeath their money.  The questions for them: “What do our kids expect?” and “What’s fair?”  These decisions can be equally tough. 

Take a couple with three adult children: One is a successful engineer happily married to a lawyer with a big firm, two kids, and plenty of money.  Another is a struggling actor.  (The parents are paying his rent while he tries to get the ‘big break.’)  The third is a divorced daughter with two children, a decent job, but living on the edge.  They just paid her car repair bill so she could get to work. 

What’s fair?  Should parents give by need or in equal amounts?  If by need, will the child who receives less feel less loved and valued?  Is a will the place to reward a child who has been especially attentive to an aging parent?  Or to express disapproval of one who made choices the parent didn’t like? 

Wealthy families may have other issues: If they make generous gifts to their university or other charities, will the children be shocked?  Resentful?  Who should be named as Executor?  Or as trustee of a trust?  How strict or lenient should be the provisions of a trust? These questions become more crucial if the children are not friendly to each other.  A will challenge can swallow the assets so fast that there’s nothing left  but a residue of bitterness.

David Solie’s advice (How to Say it to Seniors):  It’s easier to find good answers if we stop thinking of money as a “thing” to be accumulated and divided, and start seeing it as a means to express our values and the meaning of our lives. 

The important thing for parents is to swallow your fear or pride and tell your kids (individually or all together) what you’re thinking.  Answer their questions.  Ask what they think is fair, and seriously consider their answers.  Let them know you love them. 

We welcome your views on this very sensitive topic!

Carolyn

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: David Solie, distributing wealth, kid's expectations, leaving money, making a will, predictable dilemmas, talking about money, what's fair

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to receive our Monthly Newsletter and receive a free copy of our 10 point Guide to Tough Conversations.


Sign Up

Read stories, tips, and facts
about some of life's tough
conversations »

Please call us for
more information:

202-359-6141

HOME | NEWS & EVENT | SERVICES | BLOG | ABOUT US | CONTACT US

©2011 Beyond Dispute Associates, Washington, D.C. Maryland, Virginia. All Rights Reserved.


Like us on
Facebook
Visit us on
Linkedin