Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

The Portland Paradox

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In May 2017 my wife and I visited Portland, Oregon, for a week. We had a wonderful time. There’s plenty to do. The weather was awesome. Our hotel was top-notch. Everything clicked.

Our first evening there we saw a play. The theater is in a building that houses several art galleries. One is called “The Geezer Gallery.” After years of writing about ageism and the need for us older Americans to face life squarely and with self-respect, I was honestly appalled that an organization could call itself that. (My online dictionary defines geezer as an odd or eccentric man, usually an elderly person). [Read more…]

What I Wish I’d Said

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Scene: Terminal A, Gate 26, Newark Airport, waiting for a flight to DC.
What I Wish I'd Said

“For God’s sake, lady!” a red-faced man exploded. Custom-made suit, silk tie, luxury watch, Italian leather briefcase. Gray-haired, tall, distinguished – and seriously p.o.’d. At me.

My roll-aboard and attached duffle bag had fallen over in the space in front of his seat. He took it personally.

Shocked by his intensity, I asked, “You don’t think I did that on purpose, do you?”

Him: “I think you’re flakey!”

Me: “Well I think you’re very rude!”

[Read more…]

Withholding Permission

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“No one can make me feel inferior without my permission.” She had a receding chin, buck teeth, a dumpy shape, and bad hair. She was the butt of jokes. Her voice grated. But when First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt spoke, millions of “nobodies” took heart.

We often avoid hard conversations because we fear how someone else may “make” us feel. You know, I can’t talk to him because he makes me feel … hurt, dumb, mad, guilty, useless… the list goes on.

What if we put our own okayness in the driver’s seat, and denied permission for anyone else to “make” us feel anything we don’t want to feel? Isn’t it really more accurate to say, “When you raise your voice, I feel intimidated.” Then I can decide whether to be intimidated or not. I’m taking responsibility for my own feelings. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Since I’m not accusing, he can respond without getting defensive. He may choose to moderate his volume, since he may not realize how loud he’s speaking or its effect on me.

Of course, taking responsibility is easier said than done. And I don’t mean to blame the victim. Bullying, especially if accompanied by physical actions or threats, is real and wrong. But we gain a lot of power in a conflict when we make this shift.

Recently I mediated a case involving millions of dollars. Both sides were convinced their case was very strong. In a private session with one group, I tried to lower expectations by saying, “You know, a judge might see this differently.” One person blurted out, “You’re a liar!” Others sucked in their collective breath. Someone murmured, “That’s offensive!” I heard myself saying, truthfully, “I’m not offended. Let’s move on.” Why was I not offended? I realized the speaker was simply upset and out of control. It was about his fear of being wrong. It wasn’t about me.

Next time you feel uncomfortable in a conversation, say what you’re feeling. Make a request of the other. (“Could you lower your voice?” “Could you reframe that statement?” Or, “Could we take a 10-minute break for everyone to calm down and collect our thoughts?”) Ask yourself what’s behind the other’s behavior. And… look within to try to figure out what’s being triggered in you and why.

Carolyn Parr

SILENCE

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The Bible says God speaks in a still small voice. We often think we have to yell to be heard. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Silence can be hostile and violent, as when a person refuses to speak to us. But silence can also be a friend. It can be a sign of intimacy. Ever see a happy couple who have been married a long time? They can be together without speaking all afternoon. They feel safe in each other’s presence and don’t need words to be understood.

Quakers use silence to get centered. To go deeper. To open the heart. To pay attention to what matters. In a tough conversation silence can be very helpful, as long as nonverbal signals such as attention and a friendly expression are present.

When I first became a mediator – after 16 years as a judge – I had to train myself not to rush in with a solution or advice. Not to anticipate a question and answer it before it was asked. Not to interrupt when the other paused to think.

I’ve learned it’s especially important to pause and wait when you’ve asked an open question. The person may not be sure what the answer is, may need time to bring it to the surface and turn it over. You’ll learn a lot more about what’s really bugging him/her and how to reach agreement if you wait.

Choosing silence can be especially helpful when you’re under attack. The other accuses you or calls you names or threatens action that leaves you feeling disrespected or unsafe. Adrenalin floods in triggering your reptilian brain impulse to run away or fight back. There’s a third way. Pause. Breathe. Give yourself time to calm down and think. Let the other person finish. Instead of firing back, just quietly stand your ground. If he/she says, “Well, say something!” you might simply say, calmly and quietly, “Is there anything more?” Or “I need to think about what you’ve said and how to respond. Could we take a 15 minute break?” This allows you both to calm down, reframe what was said (and what was heard, which may not be the same), and de-escalate the situation.

Finally, tough conversations can be painful. If another is weeping it’s more helpful to sit silently, making sympathetic eye contact , and let his tears flow. Eventually the person will regain control and the conversation will move forward. Your nonjudgmental silence will have deepened the other’s feeling of safety and trust.

Once as I sat on a bench in the ER at Sibley Hospital where my husband lay unconscious, a light began to flash above his cubicle. Alarms sounded, people ran toward him. I heard “Code blue!” and started to weep. I knew it signaled a cardiac arrest. A complete stranger sitting beside me silently embraced and held me. I never knew her name, but I needed that hug far more than any words she could have spoken.*

I wish you a peaceful and quiet day.
Carolyn

*My husband lived and, thanks to good doctors and a pacemaker, is now fine.

Words Matter

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Henry Kissinger once said, “Protocol prevents the accidents of personality.” Calling someone a liar might get you punched out, but it won’t get you heard. Saying, “I remember that differently” will keep people listening. In a tough conversation, words really matter.

Mediators call this “reframing.”

In their book, Crucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson and others say two things are necessary for people to keep talking: Safety and respect. Name-calling is disrespectful and will shut down a conversation or turn it into a shouting match. Bullying, shouting, finger-pointing, and getting in the other person’s face threaten us and send us directly to fight, flight, or paralysis.

What if someone does that to you? Here are some things you can do:

1. Imagine: What’s the fear behind the anger? Ask yourself, “What would make me act like that?”

2. Reframe what the person just said, then answer that question.

3. Ask a question. “What part of the truth do you think I’m leaving out?”

4. Ask for clarification. [Overstressed Caregiver says to absent Sister, “You don’t give a damn about me!” Sister says: “Wow. Help me understand what you mean when you say I don’t care?”]

5. Make a personal revelation, followed by a request. “I can’t think clearly when someone yells at me. Could you lower your voice?”

6. Check out the other’s assumption, and clarify or reframe what you said. “When I asked what’s happening to Mom’s money, I didn’t mean I don’t trust you. I just want information so I can understand what she needs.”

7. If you lost your temper – or regret something in the past – apologize.

8. Ask for a time out. “Could we take a time out and try to calm down?”

Be prepared for surprises. Mindreading is notoriously wrong. It pays to enter a tough conversation with humility, because we don’t know what we don’t know. And asking the right open questions — (“What do you need?” “Help me understand why ___ is so important to you.” “What do you think would be a win-win for everyone?”) — will bring new information and new possibilities for a happy resolution.

Carolyn Parr