Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

The Portland Paradox

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In May 2017 my wife and I visited Portland, Oregon, for a week. We had a wonderful time. There’s plenty to do. The weather was awesome. Our hotel was top-notch. Everything clicked.

Our first evening there we saw a play. The theater is in a building that houses several art galleries. One is called “The Geezer Gallery.” After years of writing about ageism and the need for us older Americans to face life squarely and with self-respect, I was honestly appalled that an organization could call itself that. (My online dictionary defines geezer as an odd or eccentric man, usually an elderly person). [Read more…]

The Trouble with Bubbles

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These days we hear a lot about people living in ‘bubbles.’ In mediation I often encounter parties whose positions are encased in a bubble, reinforced by an interior monologue that strengthens their conviction that they are right and the opposing party is wrong. In time it’s possible to pierce these bubbles and engage in conversations about mutual concerns and interests they share with the other party.

In politics bubbles have taken a more sinister significance. Living just 12 blocks from the U.S. Capitol, I’m sure many think I not only live in a bubble, but in ‘The Swamp’ as well.

If I live in a bubble, don’t an unemployed factory worker in Youngstown, Ohio, or a rancher in Oklahoma live in bubbles as well? One could argue we all live in bubbles.

Bubbles can be perilous places. While they may provide a protective ‘skin’ to keep out opposing, even ‘dangerous’ ideas, and exposure to the ‘other,’ they also prevent us from enlarging our understanding of the world beyond us.

 

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Is Lack of Transparency the Same as Lying?

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What if we neglect to tell a family member something that we feel is unimportant or even trivial, but they think IS important and not trivial? Is that lying? Or behaving falsely?

For example……

What if a family member, a care-giving sibling (CGS), uses her parents’ money to purchase a first-alert device or a home security system so she knows whether the parent has been in an accident or has a medical emergency? The other siblings live a several hundred miles away. Why bother? They’re not involved, right?

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Tips for the Governing Party from a Mediator’s Playbook

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The recent debacle over repealing and replacing Obamacare might have been avoided had the President and Congress applied these six best practices in mediation:

1. Stop the Clock. Trying to get House approval of the American Health Care Act on the anniversary of the signing of the Affordable Care Act ignored a central premise of mediation: No clock-watching. Setting a deadline might work as a negotiating tactic. But mediation isn’t negotiation. Reaching consensus among opposing parties takes time and patience, especially when hammering out a measure that needs majority approval. Imposing a cut-off date for passing such complicated legislation guaranteed failure.

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Have Seniors Become Their Own Worst Enemy?

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I used to like being told I look great for my age. It was a super ego-booster, made me feel special. But what did that remark really mean? It meant that the person making the remark has a stereotypical view of what older people SHOULD look like. And I didn’t fit their stereotype. It wasn’t really a compliment. It was a remark tainted with prejudice.

Seniors need to stop thinking and acting as if their age limits them.It wasn’t until I began reading This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite* that the scourge of ageism in America became crystal clear. Our society is awash in it. Not only is there a psychological bias against older adults, the scourge has even infected the minds of many older Americans. And who is proof of this? Me. Yes, me. [Read more…]

The Virtue of Vulnerability

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On September 29, 2016, I sat riveted as Judge Michael Aloi of West Virginia encouraged mediators to become more vulnerable.[1}

The message, the messenger, and the audience’s response were stunning.

The Virtue of Vulnerability by Carolyn ParrThe message was surprising because mediators are usually encouraged to be neutral. Judge Aloi reminded us that most of our clients are experiencing deep pain. Our visible empathy and deep listening can help them feel safer—show them they’ve been heard. Judge Aloi said our vulnerability shows we connect with them. It telegraphs, “You are important to me. You matter.” [Read more…]

Make Up 3 Stories

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Make Up 3 StoriesLike Paris, Washington, DC is a city of outdoor cafes. One of my favorite things to do while sipping a margarita at Guapo’s is to make up stories about the people passing by. It’s fun to do with a friend.

Recently, for instance, a clean-shaven, neatly dressed brown-skinned man with straight hair walked by. He wore a blue dress shirt, open at the neck, with his sleeves rolled up. He looked 30-ish, serious, focused as he entered Starbucks next door. [Read more…]

Forget Bra Burning; Women’s Lib Gave Me My Calling

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I sometimes find it hard to explain to women under 40 why I am proud to call myself a feminist. Many think of us as angry, strident, and unnecessary. It makes me afraid that the history we forget, we may be in danger of repeating.

Forget Bra Burning: Women's Lib Gave Me a CallingAs a ninth grader in Miami, I had to take a series of vocational aptitude tests. Mine consistently showed I would be a good journalist, minister, or lawyer. Big problem: I was a girl. This was the 1950’s, and The Feminine Mystique was just beginning to germinate in Betty Friedan’s heart and mind. Nobody had ever heard of women’s liberation.

Help Wanted columns were divided by Male and Female, and there were no ads for journalists, ministers, or lawyers in the Female pages of the paper. All the “girl” jobs were in offices, hospitals, schools, or restaurants. Never courts. [Read more…]

Washington’s Latest Controversy . . . Over a Treehouse

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Washington’s Latest Controversy . . . Over a Treehouse My wife and I live in Washington DC in a neighborhood called Capitol Hill.   As such, it would seem that our lives would be consumed with:

  • National concern;
  • Tough legislative issues;
  • Key judicial decisions;

upon which the fate of the country turns. Right? Wrong.

The major buzz in our neighborhood is about a house.   Not the House of Representatives nor the White House, but, believe it or not, a tree house.
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To open your eyes, change your shoes

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Sig Cohen, http://toughconversations.net/, discusses how to change your point of view. Many of the world’s top ‘movers and shakers’ gathered last January in Davos, Switzerland, at the annual World Economic Forum to renew connections, exchange ideas, and expand their understanding on critical global issues.

Conferees could also experience a mock version of poverty at the local level. The Crossroads Foundation of Hong Kong hosted for a second year “Struggle for Survival,” a live simulation that offered Davos participants an opportunity “to take a few steps in the shoes of those living on $2 per day, which is nearly one-half the world’s population.” [Read more…]