Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

Is Lack of Transparency the Same as Lying?

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What if we neglect to tell a family member something that we feel is unimportant or even trivial, but they think IS important and not trivial? Is that lying? Or behaving falsely?

For example……

What if a family member, a care-giving sibling (CGS), uses her parents’ money to purchase a first-alert device or a home security system so she knows whether the parent has been in an accident or has a medical emergency? The other siblings live a several hundred miles away. Why bother? They’re not involved, right?

[Read more…]

Lessons Learned – Part One: Get Issue Oriented

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As Carolyn and I consider our next steps with Tough Conversations we’d like to share some of the lessons learned mediating adult family issues. Among the most salient is that mediation is ‘issue focused.’

How many times have we been asked to mediate toxic relationships among family members who over the years have become increasingly embittered? That, we reply, is for therapists or family counselors who can help families traverse the divides that have overtaken their relationships. Often toxicity deepens when families confront an older adult member who may need care or medical help.

In these cases it’s our charge to tease out of our discussions with family members the issues or disputes that impelled them to reach out to us. In some cases no dispute exists, only decades-old enmity that needs professional counseling. [Read more…]

An Alternative to Guardianship Made for Mediation

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An Alternative to Guardianship Made for MediationWell, if you die before she does, then she’ll need a guardian,” an attorney recently told a friend of mine. He was referring to my friend’s sister who relies largely on him to handle her financial, healthcare, and other concerns. The attorney’s remark was like the snap of a wet towel across his thigh. [Read more…]

The Wrecked Car Analogy

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No offense intended, but when I hear of a family riddled with distrust, anger, and even denial about their situation or condition of their parents, I most often envision a wrecked car. The Wrecked Car AnalogyCan’t help it. It’s the first image that comes to mind.

There it stands: Not just dings, but serious dents, a missing headlight, duct tape holding the rearview mirror together, and so on. My job as an elder mediator is checking whether the car can travel to its destination. It’s NOT to try to repair the car.

I won’t know whether the car can travel all the way, however, until all the passengers get in the car. [Read more…]

Trust and Transparency

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Sig Cohen, http://toughconversations.net, takes a look at the importance of open communication between family members when writing Wills or other legal documents. A lack of trust and transparency between parents and their children, or among the siblings themselves, is common in many cases we mediate. Too often parents name one of their children executor of their will or financial power of attorney, or both, without telling the other siblings.

Or informing them after the fact.

While parents may think they are doing the right thing because they are planning for when they might lack capacity to make good decisions, not including the other siblings in the process can have negative results. [Read more…]

Is An Imperfect Relationship Perfect For You?

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Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net, discusses ways to forgive and move on. Sometimes an imperfect relationship is good enough.

In Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, Dr. Pauline Boss describes an alternative to ending a relationship because it’s not everything we wish for. By that she means we can choose to retain the relationship and find peace by consciously deciding that a relationship is worth preserving, even though parts of it are painful.

This is not to pretend that nothing is wrong, or that bad behavior must be silently borne; victimhood leads to smoldering resentment. No, the attitude Dr. Boss describes is empowering because the acceptance is a conscious choice.

I’ve seen this lived out in inspiring ways. [Read more…]

What Do You Really Want?

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Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net/, shares communication tips.A character in the movie, How Do You Know? declares that what he’s learned in 20 years boils down to this: “Life is about finding out what you want and how to ask for it.”

That about sums up what most people learn in mediation. They are trying to discover what they [really] want and how to ask for it [so they can get it and move on].

For instance, an out-of-town daughter, Janna, is furious at her Uncle Peter, who lives near her mom. When she visits every two or three months she sees Mom deteriorating, and she holds her uncle accountable. Janna wants to replace Peter as holder of her mother’s medical power of attorney. [Read more…]

The Power of Paradox

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Carolyn Parr, http://toughconversations.net/, shares tips to resolve family matters. A paradox is a contradiction: holding as true two ideas that appear inconsistent or logically impossible. Let’s say, for example, Mom and her children agree she can no longer stay in her home. The wealthiest child insists Mom moves to an upscale assisted living residence. But the other siblings think it’s more important that Mom’s money lasts as long as she does. Mom wants both.

Deconstructing a paradox begins by examining each idea, or wing. Families facing such choices may respond by: [Read more…]