Tough Conversations

Solutions Through Compassionate Communication.

What’s Fair?

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“I just want what’s fair.” As mediators Sig and I hear this from divorcing couples, from family members contesting a will or trust, and even from parties in civil lawsuits. Sometimes they ask us directly, “What do you think is fair?”

We try to toss the question back rather than answer it. “Well, what do you mean by ‘fair’”? We ask because we really don’t know.

Fairness is not the same as justice. Justice is rights-based, getting what’s legally owed. It’s about keeping the rules. Fairness is more complex. It has aspects related to religion, family history, culture, emotions.

For instance, here are some considerations for a father preparing to make a will:

Is leaving everything in equal shares to your two children “fair”? Depends . That would be distributive fairness and may be fine with everyone.

But what if one child is a single mom struggling financially, while her brother is a partner in a major law firm? During his lifetime Dad has helped out his daughter by paying for child care and unexpected emergencies. Dad wants both his children to be able to live comfortably after he’s gone. To leave the daughter a bigger share would be “needs” fairness. Would the brother think that was fair?

(Hint: he might wholeheartedly agree IF he understood Dad’s reasoning. Or he might volunteer to take over some of his sister’s expenses himself if Dad chose equal distribution.)

Then there’s “merit” fairness. Say Mom becomes an invalid but wants to stay in her own home. Her son quits his job and moves in to care for her full time. Mom wants to leave the home to that son. The caregiver thinks that’s fair. But his sister – who may or may not have contributed to Mom’s upkeep – thinks her brother’s a freeloader and should have even been paying rent. What’s fair?

And, of course, fairness is much more complicated when a second marriage and step-children are involved.

How the parent views fairness will, of course, control. It’s your money and your decision.  But to preserve loving relations among your heirs– and loving memories of you — the important point is this: Before you die – and preferably before you make your will – talk to your kids.

Especially talk privately to the ones to whom you plan to leave less. Explain your concept of fairness, and listen to their feedback. Try to get their understanding and buy-in to what you have in mind. Even if they don’t agree they will know you loved them all and tried to do the right thing.

Carolyn

But What About Me?

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Last week my neighbor Phil told me that his mother in law recently passed away. After extending my condolences over his loss, I remarked that rarely had I seen such devotion as what his 17-year-old son Wyatt has felt toward his maternal grandmother. Throughout her bout of illnesses and a difficult passage to her death, Wyatt was always there for her.

Eventually our chat got around to her legacy. He said that his mother in law had left every thing to his wife Stella, her only child. He further commented that when Wyatt heard about her bequest, he asked: “But what about me?” Wyatt had spent time each day with his grandmother while she lived with them during the last two years of her life. Now that she was gone, what did he have to remember her by, other than memories?

Phil said that Wyatt was getting over his disappointment, and that he and Stella decided to allot a portion of the bequest for Wyatt’s higher education and a new laptop computer. But the hurt lingered.

How could this situation have been handled differently? Well, Stella and Phil could have talked with Stella’s mother and suggested that she leave something to Wyatt. It might have been a tough conversation….or not. Phil was sure that had they suggested leaving something for Wyatt, Gail would have agreed. But, sadly, no one thought of it.

This is our third blog that deals with holistic estate planning. As you can see, it doesn’t have to be a complicated process. But had a conversation taken place and Gail’s will included something for Wyatt, it would have had a profoundly positive effect on Wyatt for years to come.

Sig

Looks Like a Beach House But It’s Really a Time Bomb

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You and your wife spent weeks every summer at the Delaware shore, and your three kids loved the place. Now adults with their own families, they still come bringing grandchildren and friends to your growing reunions. Of course, you assume they’ll want to continue this tradition. The thought of leaving it to them in equal shares after you’re gone makes you smile.

Wait!  You forgot something. You forgot to ask them.

At the reading of the will Karen (who married money) says, “I can’t really use the beach house since I moved to California. I’d like to sell my share to one of you and get something closer to home. Who wants to buy my share?”

“Buy your share!”  Joe explodes. “My business is in trouble. I need more income. I say we keep the house, rent it all summer, and use the income.” He glares at Karen.

Marianne, the youngest, is shocked at her siblings’ lack of sentiment. She loves the house and wants to spend much of the summer there. She’s a single parent and can’t afford to contribute to taxes, insurance, utilities, and yard service. So she’d like to mortgage the place and use her share of the cash to pay expenses and send her kids to college. She has a vague hope of getting a raise or a better job so she could help later with expenses and mortgage payments – but not now.

So . . . Karen sees the beach house as a California play space. Joe sees it as insurance to prop up his business. And Marianne sees it as a free vacation and college for her kids.

This kind of dilemma is very common and easily avoided. But that requires a conversation. It’s much easier to talk differences through with living parents present than in a post-mortem mediation or, worst case, a lawsuit. Sometimes the anger never goes away.

How much better if the parents had simply said, “We’re thinking of leaving you the beach house together. How might that work for you?”

Please, as you’re making your will, check out your assumptions about what your children want or need. You want to leave behind happy memories and love for each other – not a ticking time bomb.

Carolyn