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Why Won’t They Talk to Each Other?

August 13, 2012 By Carolyn Parr Leave a Comment

That is the question that preoccupied me throughout my viewing of Footnote, an Israeli film, nominated for an Oscar (Best Foreign Language Film) in 2012. The story concerns a father and son, both scholars in Jerusalem, both working in essentially the same area of research, and both lacking any capacity (so it appeared) to share even a word with each other.

I don’t want to give away the twists and turns of the plot. Suffice to say the Father (a self-described philologist) has accomplished little if anything in his sequestered career). For that and other reasons he is contemptuous of his son’s academic prowess, reputation, and accomplishments. Not envious, by any means. Just downright contemptuous.

When the son confronts a situation that he believes could destroy what’s left of his father’s self-respect, he comes to his father’s defense, sacrificing much. Yet he never reveals this to his father, nor to anyone but his mother, whom the viewer believes keeps it secret. Since the distance between the two men was so remote, I wondered what the son would even say to his father if he could summon the courage to share this vital information with him.

Throughout the film other important conversations between family members go unspoken and their relationships grow apart. The only memorable conversation is between the son and other academics which goes from bitterly antagonistic to comically physical.

Footnote left me thinking how about the many conversations that have gone unspoken in my own and others’ lives – conversations that might burnish a relationship or two, but will likely remain unsaid.

Sig

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: films about communication; "Footnote" an Israeli film, silence, withdrawal

Read My Mind!

November 14, 2011 By Carolyn Parr 1 Comment

Ever had a friend or family member withdraw or act angry and you had no clue why?

The answer may be simple: you failed to read his/her mind!

This can become especially acute around the Holidays. Gift giving can be a minefield. You ask a loved one what she’d like for Christmas or Hanukkah. She may respond in any of several ways:

Your sister gives you a list, without saying “choose one” (errr… does that mean she expects everything on the list, or just wants to keep an element of surprise?). If you choose wrong, she may be disappointed. If you buy everything, she may scold you for being extravagant and/or making her look bad because she only gave you one thing. Or the items may be of varying prices. Will she be disappointed if you don’t buy the most expensive? Will you look cheap?

Or your Dad may say, “Really, I have everything I need. You don’t have to give me anything.” He does have everything he needs. But still, he really does expect something. At least make him some cookies, or give a gift to his favorite charity in his honor.

Mind-reading is a type of assumption based on expectation. If we fail to do it correctly, we can be punished. Two recent columns by Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for The Washington Post, illustrate the problem.

One column involved the meaning of an engagement ring. Should the recipient have a voice in choosing it? Is it a simple expression of love, an investment, an “icky assertion of ownership,” a piece of jewelry the woman is expected to wear the rest of her life, a status symbol, or all of the above?

The other column was about the meaning of a birthday. (Big deal or no big deal?)
In both situations, unstated — and therefore unmet — expectations were ripe to cause hurt feelings all around. To complicate matters, assumptions are unconscious.

Two lessons here: (1) Examine your own assumptions and talk about them ahead of time to be sure you’re on the same page. “In my family, birthdays were a big deal. How did your family celebrate?” “I’m worried about our budget this year. What would you think of a $___ limit on gifts?”

And (2) If you’re disappointed after the fact, take responsibility for your own unexamined expectations. Then let them go. Let the holidays be a time of forgiveness and love.

Carolyn

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Carolyn Hax, Christmas gifts, Christmas lists, engagement rings, meaning of a birthday, mind reading, sulking, unmet expectations, withdrawal

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