On a night train speeding from Florence to Cortona, Italy I was alarmed to discover I couldn’t read the station signs in the dark. Afraid I would miss my stop, I asked a stranger where to get off. I did not speak Italian; she spoke no English. Nevertheless, she understood my question and was able to communicate with perfect clarity, by gestures, that it was not the next stop but the one after that.
Actual words may be the least important part of communication. We “speak” with our eyes, touch, tone of voice. Carl Rogers, the noted psychologist, said “Total attention feels like love.” My dad could not say “I love you,” but from earliest childhood I had no doubt. His face lit up when I walked in the room. He spent endless hours happily teaching me games (and letting me win), attending my band practices, playing catch. I knew in my depths that I was the apple of my father’s eye.
Sometimes the words are right but the nonverbal clues give it all away. We all know how it feels to be saying something you really want the other person to hear, and they are texting. Or looking around the room. Or nodding off to sleep. It feels disrespectful. It is dismissive.
Here’s the takeaway: when you’re in a tough conversation, be fully engaged. Turn off the cellphone or tv. Face the person. Look into the other person’s eyes. Lean forward. Nod when you understand. Smile if appropriate. Touch the other’s hand in sympathy. Be aware of your tone. Sometimes words are the least of it.
Have you had a significant nonverbal exchange? Tell us about it!
Carolyn
I struggle sometimes to listen because I do not hear very well. Hearing aids help combined with lip reading but sometimes I just get tired and “tune out” or my mind wanders. Then someone close to me gets upset because they can see I’m “not listening”, I feel bad because I have gone away when the effort becomes too much. I don’t mean to ignore people or be disrespectful. I’m just brain dead from the effort after a while and need to take a break. It’s worst in a noisy environment where the background noise makes it really hard to understand the words coming at me. When I am aware I am not able to hear well enough to pay attention I tell the other person and ask if we can find a quieter place to talk but sometimes I feel like a tired driver and I am just gone and off the road before I realize it. Usually it’s not personal so it would help if before getting angry, if you notice someone drifting off to get their attention and ask if they are OK. They may just snap back and apologize and be more focused, not realizing their brain had just taken a cat nap.